Lesley's Blog

This Blog has moved...

2011-05-27T12:51:00.000+01:00

Please would you be willing to join me over at revdlesley.net, and if you have been kind enough to put me on your blog roll, can you fix the link for me?

Thanks.

Please help me

2011-05-26T16:08:00.000+01:00

photo © 2008 Ricardo Bernardo | more info (via: Wylio)

I got fed up of people not being able to comment on my blog, so I have moved to WordPress - the new blog is here.

I guess I'll get used to it, but at the moment it all seems very difficult and ugly.... Can you go across and check out whether you can comment?

Thanks!

Mr Catolick talks about Appointing Bishops

2011-05-26T10:01:00.000+01:00

(For the story see Andrew Brown)

Bishops are not the Focus for Unity

2011-05-26T09:22:00.001+01:00

photo © 2007 Southbanksteve | more info (via: Wylio)

I am absolutely furious this morning with Rowan Williams and with the Church of England. I don't trust myself right now to write anything about the power abuses and the blatant injustices within the organisation I work for. (Read Andrew Brown). So I just want to concentrate on the phrase about bishops being the "focus for unity"

Apparently a Bishop can only be appointed if they can be a “focus of unity” in the diocese. But how many objectors does it take to stop a bishop? And who decides? Are there any priests who could carry the whole of a diocese with them before appointment? And suppose a bishop loses the support of his diocese – should he then resign? (I can’t possibly imagine Rowan thinks that for one moment, not at present!)

“Focus for unity” may appear to be a reasonable phrase, but in fact it is meaningless; it allows the blocking of anyone as a bishop because someone doesn’t like the look of them, with no definition of who is and isn’t acceptable. All rather like the Anglican Covenant, the offence is in upsetting someone else, not in any objective and predefined behaviour.

Given that “offence” is the basis of the blocking, then perhaps we will see no more Conservative Evangelical or Anglo Catholic bishops. We can certainly be assured that if the Women Bishops legislation gets through General Synod then it will be utterly useless - because surely there will be one parish in each diocese who would claim that a woman would not be a "focus for unity".

Or perhaps we can be sensible and decide that “focus of unity” is not a job description for the bishop, but for the diocese; that it is incumbent upon all of us in a diocese to gather round and support our bishops, which doesn’t mean unthinking obedience, whether we agree with them or not.

Of all the rotten excuses for discrimination that I have heard this is by far the worst. It guarantees the status quo and the grounds for discriminating is "someone doesn't like your face".

Jesus is our "focus for unity", not the bishops! No wonder we are suffering power abuses if the Bishops have decided to put themselves in the place of God.

Recovering from Abuse - The problem of memory

2011-05-26T07:00:00.000+01:00

photo © 2008 Sarah Le Clerc | more info (via: Wylio)

When I was a kid, between the ages of 7 and 10, I lived at 6642 Kirkley Ave, McLean, Virginia. My road was low lying, running parallel to a creek that ran along the bottom of our yard. The main road also ran parallel to my road and it was elevated compared to us. Three roads ran perpendicular to my road joining us to the main road and I cycled down them, scaring myself. They were breathtakingly steep, perhaps 1 in 5, it was exhilarating.

This is my memory of my house. Is it true? Absolutely, I would think. I would swear to it and get very indignant if anyone contradicted me. But then I went to visit the house when I was older, and I was shocked to find that the slopes that I so bravely cycled down were pathetically tame.

I guess we all have this experience. The things we remember as children turn out to be smaller, milder, tamer when we see them through the eyes of an adult. We come to doubt our childhood memories.

So what do we do with half remembered fragments of ‘something’ that points towards abuse? Well we doubt them. But they call to us – nag us...

I was asked how to recover memories of abuse in the comments of a post entitled ‘Recovering from Abuse – Remembering’, the commenter says:

Years ago I had a couple of panic reactions to situations which caused me to suspect that I had been abused. Since then some bits of memories have come back to me that would back that up and something else said by a family member also points to that conclusion. I just feel it's all so vague and sometimes I feel inconclusive. I know I'll probably never remember every detail and that probably wouldn't be helpful anyway but I feel like as you say it's a jigsaw with missing pieces. I just wish I could find enough pieces to give me an idea of the overall picture so that I could deal with it.

If remembering is the first step towards healing how can I make that step? Just now I swing between trusting that God will reveal things to me when the time is right and feeling like I have to know now in order to move on.

I remember this very well. For me it was agonising – having tiny shards of memory – like, for instance - a hand over my mouth that also blocked my nostrils so I was wildly trying to breathe, my heels pedalling wildly, digging into my mattress to get some purchase so I might get away. With the shard of memory was the emotion associated with it – sheer terror.

What do you do with that? For me, I had to know. I am lucky enough to have had two Spiritual Directors who have helped me, one after the other – they took pity on me in my agony and sacrificially decided to accompany me in the pursuit of finding out the truth.

They were both very aware of the accusations of False Memory Syndrome that had been a feature of child abuse cases in the States in the 1990s. So they were cautious, but still wanted to help me.

The first helped me using prayer. We would settle into a very deep silent prayerful state and then she would ask me if Jesus was there. It was a sort-of Ignatian prayer, which is the type of prayer I do at the end of the day – walking alongside Jesus through the memories of my day – through the highs and lows, coming to peace with it all.

So I had many sessions when we prayed and I walked alongside Jesus through the memories. I could remember more than I thought – I believe the memories were blocked by stress and tension – and as I was with someone I trusted, in a relaxed state of prayer, hanging out with Jesus, it was easier to remember. In particular, it helped me remember the splitting, the way I willed myself to be outside the room, and I actually achieved it psychologically – I was free, the other side of the window and in the night sky, completely unaware of what was happening in the room.

I thought it was all behind me, and it was for a while, but then another shard or two of terrifying memory appeared that I couldn't make sense of...

So the second Spiritual Director did something similar to the first – she used a technique to help me relax, and then in a relaxed state I could enter through a door, and the door led me into whichever memory I wanted to go to. I probably could have remembered more if I had allowed myself to keep going back, but it was too frightening, and eventually I understood enough to draw a line under it all.

Do I trust the memories? Not every one of them entirely. However, almost everything I have written about my childhood home above did turn out to be accurate. I believe my memories are broadly true because

- there are some vivid bits,
- they completely explain the wacky phobias I have,
- I was a very psychologically poorly child indeed and my symptoms are in line with what happens to children who suffer sexual abuse,
- I can remember the re-abuse, and I was very knowing indeed, I had clearly done it before,
- the behaviour of my abuser towards me as a child and as an adult is in line with him having abused me.

It wouldn’t stand up in a court of law, it doesn’t have to – but the recovery of enough shards of memory was a way of me getting the healing I needed.

I think I am lucky in many ways - lucky that some of the shards of memory returned, lucky that I had the opportunity to take the recovery in two bites - first the re-abuse and then the first abuse, lucky that I had such wonderful spiritual directors, lucky that I am a Christian and have had a sense of God's love and sense of being held.

Not everyone gets the help that I have been given. I wish they did.

Girlie Strop

2011-05-25T19:43:00.000+01:00

photo © 2006 Rebecca Searle | more info (via: Wylio)

I'm having a girlie strop. The doctor said 'no' to me going back to work. And she is right. But I am not interested in the reality of the situation, nor am I interested in being reasonable or rational

want

life

back!

Being unwell was ok for a while, and I know I tend to overdo stuff and push myself too hard, and boy am I thankful because it has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities and also stop worrying about stuff that I had no business worrying about.

But seriously...

I've been off sick since 8th March...

I can't even blinking well stand up in a service, never mind lead one...

Aaargh.

Okay - strop over. My apologies... normal service will resume soon!

Wednesday Web Round-up

2011-05-25T19:00:00.000+01:00

Sorry this is late today - no excuses really other than I'm not feeling very well. Went to the Doctor and she said 'No' to me going back to work...

So anyway - here is the roundup.

Four excellent posts on abuse - We mixed our Drinks and Nightmares and Boners respond to Nadine Dorries, Andrew Brown does an excellent job of analysing the report on Catholic Priests and abuse and A New Name thinks about abuse in more general terms and caused me to finally write a series of posts on abuse.

The two posts I enjoyed most on the rapture were Maggi Dawn's informative piece and MadPriest's heartful thank-you, which I echo too - the rapture was a wonderful thing.

Dreaming beneath the spires writes some important thoughts about relationships. Beyondexgay has a lovely testimony - thanks to Eruptions at the foot of the Volcano for that one. Only dads has some parenting collywobbles - I know the feeling! Psychcentral has some interesting things about male depression that I didn't know - definitely worth a read. Jamie the Very Worst Missionary writes about where we find our self-worth.

nakedpastor has been both brilliant and harsh lately. Two posts that I really liked were Theologically assisted suicide and goats go to hell.

The only funny one I'm posting in this round up is from MadPriest - tiger escaped from toyrus recaptured by police.

So there you have it - hope you enjoy them, and thanks to all these people for taking the time to write these posts.

Go Texas - speak out for justice.

2011-05-25T12:30:00.000+01:00

This video made me cry.... it is about people speaking out in support of their gay brothers and lesbian sisters.

Recovering from abuse – losing the myth

2011-05-25T07:00:00.009+01:00

photo © 2006 D. Sharon Pruitt | more info (via: Wylio)

This post follows on from:

Recovering from abuse – remembering and

Recovering from abuse – confessing

I guess my method of healing has been to read a lot of books – seems like I am an academic at heart!

One of the most helpful snippets that I read (which irritatingly I don’t know where it came from now) was this (approximately):

“Most survivors of abuse initially tell me, in glowing terms, what a wonderful and perfect family they came from, and how unselfish their parents were. This claim becomes increasingly incredible as we begin to explore their family background and the survivor relates incidences of obvious and in some cases extreme neglect or abuse without seeming to recognise them as such”.

I read the words above and I thought, ‘Oh yes – you may say that and I can see how it would relate to others, but not to me’. However, I then read Allender,

who describes the ways that the future victim’s upbringing may be difficult (p93). To summarise them, they are:

The child may be only respected as a parentified child – performing duties and having responsibilities that should be taken by the parents, but the parents may either be absent or unable to perform the roles themselves.
The child may be denied privacy, and the home may be boundary-less in terms of separation of the inner and outer worlds – the child may not be allowed to have private thoughts or dress and undress in privacy.
The child may be told that their feelings are wrong, crazy or non-existent. When they say they are afraid they are told not to be ridiculous, or when they say they don’t like something they are told that they are wrong. So the child loses trust in their own feelings and judgement.
The atmosphere in the home is demanding, rule-bound and conservative.
The highest family value is loyalty.

As I read the bullet points above I was astounded. Not every one was true, but nearly all of them. I felt a bit freaked out – spooked that perhaps Allender had secretly observed me and written the book to deliberately unnerve me.

I put the book down. That was ridiculous. Talk about thinking I was the centre of the universe! But if my ridiculous notion wasn’t true then I had to face the possibility that my family background predisposed me to be abused…. the place where I was meant to be loved and nurtured actually wasn’t very loving or nurturing. Tentatively, I read a bit more:

The scene is set for abuse. The child is empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child.

I think I wept at that point because it exactly described me as a child. Every word was true, I lived and breathed a deep hunger to be loved and accepted and acceptable all the way through childhood.

So I asked my spiritual director to help me and we worked on all the events of my childhood. It was really helpful to get an outside perspective. I guess all of us just think our experiences of childhood are normal.. what else have we to compare them to?

I struggled quite a lot, initially to admit that things had been less than perfect, and then I found myself very angry with my parents. They weren’t abusive, just unable to communicate love effectively, and influenced by their own parenting... I guess I now think that they did the best they could, given their own very difficult childhoods. These cycles of neglect and abuse go on from generation to generation. But I was determined that it would stop with me.

The good news in all this is that most parents worry unnecessarily about their child being abused. Yes we are all crap parents at times - unfair or inattentive or selfish... but the children who get abused almost invariably come from homes where their emotional needs are utterly unmet. They are unsure of themselves, craving love, desperate to please and unthinkingly obedient. I don't think this description fits the children of the parents who fret so much about their kids being abused.

Hope you aren't getting bored with this series - if you are let me know!

Recovering from abuse – confessing

2011-05-24T12:30:00.001+01:00

So this post follows on from yesterday’s post “Recovering from abuse – Remembering”

I first told an adult that I had been 'abused' during a formal confession to a priest, prior to being Confirmed. I didn't consider it to be abuse - I confessed it as consensual sex, even though I had been so young. I went to a High Anglo-Catholic church and we were told that if we had any 'Technicolor sins’ we needed to go to formal confession. Boy did I have some Technicolor sins.

Kneeling beside the priest I confessed... it was agonising to spit out the words. The liturgy was set, but he seemed to stray from it for a second. Four extra words were added:

‘It wasn’t your fault’.

‘How ridiculous, I thought. This man knows nothing about sin, and he’s a priest!' I was a precocious thirteen year old!’

Fifteen years later I was reading a book by Dan Allender called ‘The Wounded Heart’. It is subtitled ‘Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse’:

Now it is interesting that I was reading this book… because I hadn’t been abused.. no no no… other people had been abused. Me? Oh I’d just had sex when I was young – but I had consented to it… I was completely responsible. Completely in control. It was my fault entirely, and I had done it because I was bad and evil beyond any other human being that had ever lived. (With the possible exception of Genghis Khan)

The first chapter of the book was like dropping a nuclear bomb on the landscape of my worldview, it had such a cataclysmic impact on me – the chapter is entitled “The reality of a war – facing the battle”. It is only now that I understand the title of the chapter – the war would be bloody but it was a reality and the battles needed to be faced.

Apparently, I read, adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse deny that they have been abused… so the book told me... 'Mmmm', I thought, shifting uneasily. They deny it because they suspect their memories – Check. They deny it because it is sexual so did they invite it or enjoy it? – Check. They deny it because whatever they do, they don’t want to explore it any further. Check.

And, of course, the greatest reason of all for me to deny it was that it gave me control. When I was small something happened that was terrifying, repeatedly. If I told myself it was because I was bad then I could control it – I was being punished for being bad... so all I had to do was become better, quieter, more obedient, then it would stop. The possibility that this event would happen over and over and there was nothing I could do about it would have crushed me.

Falteringly, I read the first chapter and then went backwards and forwards over the definitions of sexual abuse, examining each word, trying to find wriggle room, or the loop hope that would enable me to deny that I had been abused. Perhaps I went over the chapter for an hour. I had the workbook that went with the book, and eventually managed to wring out some feint letters that spelled the words ‘I have been abused’.

That was the beginning of the hardest journey I have made so far.

PS I liked Chris Rea as a teenager – can you tell?

Kids and a dying Grandad

2011-05-24T07:00:00.001+01:00

Okay so my mum called yesterday to say that the nice lady curate had just been to see my dad and was shocked and horrified (not the poker-faced type of curate then!). Furthermore, the curate had said that she was on a placement for two months and didn't expect dad to still be alive when she returned (tell it as it is type of curate - I like her!).

So I mused that perhaps I should try and see him sooner rather than later and my mum replied that he sleeps 23 hours a day so she isn't sure what the point is, but if I do come and see him do not bring the kids because he is ghastly looking and dreadfully gaunt.

At this point I decided I definitely need to see my dad soon - and I will go on Saturday - Alan and I will do the driving between us, but seeing as we are pathetically poorly we'll stop at every coffee shop and cafe on the way - which suits me - I love stopping at these establishments!

I don't know what to say to my kids though. I feel quite relieved mum has told me not to bring them, although I wonder whether this is a cop out.

Have you lot experienced this? Do you have any advice???

Recovering from abuse – Remembering

2011-05-23T13:30:00.008+01:00

There has been a lot of talk in the news recently about childhood sexual abuse. There was the Catholic report saying that the permissive society had an impact on priests and their inclination to abuse children (mmm) and also Nadine Dorries (~~Nutter~~ Tory MP) showed a staggering insensitivity suggesting that “abstinence sex education” would help girls to stop being abused. Sigh.

I’ve been wanting to write a series of posts about childhood sexual abuse in order to highlight some paths towards healing that might be useful if anyone has been abused, or just because it is interesting how the human psyche works and how we can recover from stuff. Also, I think it would be better if society did talk about these things honestly.

It is a big subject though, and a difficult one, and I don’t want to depress anyone… so I am cautious about writing about it.... Tell me your thoughts. This post is about 'remembering'.

The first step to recovery is to remember the abuse, which seems a bit odd that it is forgotten in the first place, but the problem is twofold. The first is that in some cases the trauma is so scary that a child will engage in ‘splitting’.. ie when the abuse is happening s/he is prevented from running away physically so does so mentally, so that in terms of memory s/he wasn’t there. The second is that the child’s subconscious considers that the memory is too unpleasant and prevents access to it... for years. The child may well need to relate to their abuser in a family context and I guess it is good for survival that the psyche decides to prevent the memory returning until later in life.

These two things do not, however, prevent the child from experiencing extreme psychoses during childhood – depression, suicidal feelings, phobias, compulsive masturbation, insomnia, night terrors, low self-esteem.. the list goes on and on. The child experiences these things and knows they are 'different' but either doesn’t link the psychoses to the abuse or doesn’t remember the abuse. Hence, they think they are bad, or mad, or both.

In my own case there were two bouts of abuse – one earlier (aged 4-6) and another later (aged 7-10). They were quite different. The first was violent and I only remembered it recently. The second was coercive and I think my abuser, like many, was opportunistic – they groom many children and a few children say ‘yes’ – especially if they have been abused before. Re-abuse is incredibly common.

I remembered the later abuse (aged 7-10) first, which is quite usual. In fact it came flooding back to me in a Biology lesson when we were learning about human reproduction. Weirdly, in an instant, I could remember the four encounters and every word the two of us had said verbatim, as well as what happened.

Most of my recovery in subsequent years was based on these memories, but they didn’t answer many questions. The most obvious of which was that I sort of knew I wasn’t a virgin on the first occasion that I could remember, but also my phobias were odd and I couldn’t make sense of them.

Then a couple of years ago shards of earlier memories returned. It just started with a memory of a dread that my bedroom door would open. More and more little fragments of memory returned and explained so many things – the way I couldn't sleep unless someone was between me and the door; the way I would be literally paralysed with fear if I heard footsteps on the landing (even when I knew the footsteps were those of my sweet baby boy padding to go to the loo.. or worse coming to see me in the night).

The reinstated memories were helpful in explaining things. But they didn’t eliminate the phobias. For instance, I have a phobia of mold that causes an instant gag reflex, often followed by vomiting, and whilst I now understand why, that doesn’t stop the phobia. I should probably sort some of my phobias out but it just feels easier to avoid the triggers rather than face the trauma of recovery.

Someone once asked me whether it was better before I remembered. I think I had told her that the earlier memories revealed sadistic cruelty and made my stomach turn whenever I considered them. My reply was that unless we remember we can’t begin to recover.

Time helps too – when the memories first returned they dominated my life (both times) – I couldn’t stop my mind returning to them.. a bit like running your tongue over a sharp piece of tooth… But with time my mind didn’t return so frequently, and now hardly at all.

The other thing that was disturbing with the sadistic abuse is I felt like I had some pieces of a jigsaw, but not all of it, and I endlessly tried to work out what happened, how old I was, who the perpetrator was, and so on. Whilst I still have only shards of memories, I have enough to piece it together well enough to answer these things and I’ve accepted that the rest of the memories are lost – partly because I did so much ‘splitting’.

I hope this is helpful to others in understanding, I'll try to write about the journey from remembering to healing. I would say that if you are alongside someone who is ‘remembering’ then be encouraged that it is the beginning of healing, painful though it is. (And when I say painful I mean some words that are not usually acceptable in decent company!)

PS the song I have posted at the top was my favourite as a teen when I was dealing with some of this - it expressed my regret that I hadn't been 'Wired to the Moon'.

Really looking forwards to getting back to work

2011-05-23T07:00:00.002+01:00

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, and I have a little flurry of excitement whenever I think about it, because she will hopefully sign me back onto light duties at work fairly soon.

They have changed things now so you can be signed back onto light duties, and start back perhaps an hour a day and build up.

I don’t know exactly why I am so excited.. I suppose it is partly that I feel in limbo, being “off sick”, and also I am missing people, and missing the job that I do. Plus I just feel out of touch.

I keep having these flights of fancy though, when I imagine going back to work I see myself as fully fit, whizzing round visiting people, or taking services, or leading an alpha group… the reality of what I will be signed back to is going to be somewhat different.

I have put together a programme to return to work that starts with me attacking my email mountain, and short easy visits, and staff meetings… that is pretty much it.

I had a go at driving on Wednesday (the previous effort was very scary), and I think I can do twenty minutes, so that will get me around the benefice, maybe… I am wondering whether the Doctor will say it is irresponsible to drive at the moment.

I’ve finally worked out a good explanation of how I am feeling. It is a bit like when I was a student and we worked all night to complete a project, and then the next day I didn’t go to bed…. I feel like that – a sort of fugginess… and some things I can do quite well, albeit slowly, but other things are completely beyond me.

And then, when I overdo it, it feels like sunstroke. Suddenly I am very hot all over, and I have a terrible headache, and I have to go to bed and sleep it off. This happened on Friday. I had been trying to do one thing a day all week. And some of the activities had been strenuous – we went to see the priest who will marry us on the Monday, and I went to see a dressmaker on the Wednesday….. Then Alan and I managed to have a… err… misunderstanding on the Friday… which flipped me into the ‘sunstroke’ mode. I didn’t feel better until later on the Saturday.

I think what I am trying to say to myself is that I am no where near better and just because I am signed back on doesn’t mean I can act like I am well.. otherwise I think it will be revenge of the Glandular Fever!

(But I am really, really, really looking forwards to work!)

Bizarre telephone calls

2011-05-22T12:21:00.000+01:00

photo © 2010 Frédéric BISSON | more info (via: Wylio)

I reckon I get a greater number of bizarre telephone calls since being ordained.

I quite enjoy them if I am honest.

Once, I was called to answer a question about Christianity because two people who I didn’t know from Adam were having a disagreement, and they needed someone to give the definitive answer.

Another time someone called me to ask me to offer some advice and Bible verses for a talk that he was doing the next week.

Then there are the ones that I refer on to the church wardens – “Is my auntie Ethyl buried in your church?”, “Is this brass rubbing that Grandpa Smith made from brass in your church?”

I don’t really think I am very good at these conversations, enjoyable though they are. This was a recent one (changed a few details):

“Yes... hello… My name’s Smythe and I used to be the Archdeacon of St Albans”.

(Oooo… very important person – must be on best behaviour!)

“I wonder, can you tell me, is Brill Church worth visiting?”

“Ummmm…..”

“Let me explain, I take a group of people round ancient churches and then we have a pub lunch”.

“Oh… well the thing is I don’t know much about church buildings”.

“Shame on you.”

“Mmm.. well it is nice, if you are into that sort of thing… I suppose. But I do know about pubs and there is an excellent Pub…..”

“Yes, yes, yes, I already know about the pub, it is the church I was wondering about”.

“Hum… well Wotton is unusual… it has a whole aisle full of dead people…

…errr – they are like dead people, all in their own little drawers…

… important dead people, they are the… err…”

(Yikes, but who are they??? Something to do with Buckingham).

“… the… umm.. Dukes of Buckingham" (trying to sound convincing).

“Ah, yes, that sounds very good. I shall look into that. Thank-you very much indeed.

What do you reckon? I give myself 5 out of 10 for that conversation.

I really enjoyed the rapture

2011-05-22T07:00:00.004+01:00

I loved the rapture for several reasons. Mostly because my Twitter friends are so witty with suggestions for #rapture play lists, little videos with rapture advice and the like. I love the way people mock things by taking them deadly seriously.

Some of my favourites on the Rapture Play List were

Chris Rea with "Road to Hell"
Beyonce with "Until the end of time"
Europe with "The Final Countdown"
Ronan Keating with "If tomorrow never comes"

I like the way Christians and Atheists play together when something like this happens.. or doesn't happen in fact.

The other thing that was good about the rapture was that spooky feeling of ooooooo but what if it does happen? (Not that I believe in the Rature.. but it didn't stop the feeling). I thought to myself that if the Rature happened I would definitely be left behind because I seriously don't believe in a god that goes around frying people.

But in a funny way I felt like I wouldn't mind so much if the end of the world was yesterday.... which confused me... why would I say that?

I managed to tease out that the reason is because I feel so at peace. I feel like I've managed to overcome some huge monsters, I feel easy with myself and easy with God, and broadly my relationships with almost everyone are good. Yes there are a couple of people that I struggle with... but even there I find I'm able to shrug and feel I can't please all the people all of the time. It is very releasing and I think this is the first time in my life that I have been in this place.

So that was good to know... plus it was sunny yesterday, and the sky was blue, and the birds were singing. Thinking about the Rapture made me realise how incredibly lucky I am and how good life can be.

Ireland 'subscribes' to the Anglican Covenant

2011-05-21T16:39:00.000+01:00

photo © 2010 juergen49 | more info (via: Wylio)

I promised to bring this blog up to date with all the Covenant news that has passed me by recently. I think this is the final post to do that. I'll try to stay on top of it now that I'm feeling a bit better.

So Ireland 'subscribed' to the Covenant - see Thinking Anglicans for the statements and links to some great blog posts. The deal basically is that they are worried about it taking away their autonomy and so they are not comfortable committing fully. More of an agreement to a dinner date rather than marriage.

This No Anglican Covenant page lists all the provinces where it has been discussed or approved so far. It is quite interesting. The thing that strikes me is how begrudging it is. I feel quite strongly that something entitled 'Covenant' should be entered into with joy - like a marriage. The fact that there is so little trust and goodwill suggests to me that now might not be the best time to embark on a Covenant. I can't imagine any document signed up to in this manner will avail unity or trust.

Could we Anglicans write anything that would bring us together? I think we could:
We could commit to meeting together.
We could commit to loving Christ.
We could commit to serving the world.
We could commit to praying for each other.
We could commit to loving one another.

If we joyfully wrote a few short sentences like this I think it would have vastly more benefit that Anglican Covenant. But then that is just my opinion...

From the 'Lesley is a soppy git' range:

2011-05-21T12:00:00.000+01:00

The Anglican Covenant saves the World

2011-05-21T11:22:00.000+01:00

h/t Madpriest

Parish Profile for Upper Wallop, Lower Wallop & Cod’s Wallop

2011-05-20T12:30:00.008+01:00

I’ve been reading ‘parish profiles’ lately (documents churches write when they want a new vicar), some are great and some of them have made me laugh out loud. Here is one I made up that is based on a few profiles:
(translation in red)

Forward for the post of Vicar of the Wallops from the Bishop of Backward Ho!
“This is a wonderful post for anyone. Fantastic committed and involved laity. Gorgeous house. Loving community. Mission orientated.”
(Will I ever get anyone to fill this role?)

Statement from the Area Dean
We are looking for someone who will be active in the deanery.
(No one else is and I’m feeling lonely).

Vision for the Wallops
We want someone who is mission focussed and will help us grow spiritually.

(No idea what this means, but the Bishop was very insistent that we include it.)

We want to continue the worship that has been offered to God in these villages since the the churches were built in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries.
(Don’t even THINK of changing anything – if BCP was good enough for Jesus then its good enough for us.)

Person specification
We want a vicar who will be able to encourage young families into our churches.
(Because we have run out of ideas!)
We want a vicar who has a charismatic personality and winning smile.
(So that people will miraculously come to church - last vicar failed here)
We want a vicar who is pastoral and will visit the church members.
(Because we want to be loved and the last vicar loved us very well and we are still grieving).
We want a vicar who is computer literate
(Unlike the last one who thought that the internet was the work of Satan)

Worship
We have an elaborate rota that we couldn’t fit on this page but trust us, it works.
(You can’t change the rota because it took us three years of horse-trading to work it out when they merged the churches into a single Benefice).
The congregations are modest in size but dedicated.
(There are five of us at each service, but we always turn up, unless we have family staying – obviously).

The Church Buildings
We have some really really old and beautiful buildings.
(We love our buildings and spend lots of time and money tending to them and they all still desperately need fixing – good luck!)

Schools
The church has a wonderful relationship with the local school.
(The vicar is expected to take 2 assemblies a week and ~~give staff some free periods~~ teach RE on a regular basis.)

Finances
Please find the last seventeen years of church income and expenditure.
(We hope you don't notice that we are living on past endowments that are about to run out. Please skip this section.)

Vicarage
Here is a lovely picture and the Vicarage is BIG (but not a freezing Victorian pile)!
(Hoping this will encourage you to apply - we recognise that when you check out the 1960s kitchen and bathroom you might be a bit disappointed)

On being a Wounded Healer

2011-05-20T07:00:00.008+01:00

photo © 2009 derek visser | more info (via: Wylio)

I like to prepare well for things, and before my first meeting with the Diocesan Director for Ordinands (person who puts you through the selection for ordination process) I had found out that she tends to ask you for your life story as the starter for ten.

The meetings were an hour long, and so I thought I could fit my life story into one meeting. However, she asked a lot of questions and clarified this and that as we went along, and so as the first hour drew to a close I had only got to the age of about fourteen in my description. She looked at me and said:

'Gosh that is a very, very sad story'.

I could see tears in her eyes, and I felt sorry for her so I said 'Oh, don't worry - it gets better after the age of fourteen'.

So when we met again I told her the story from fourteen until thirty-two, which is the age I was when we met (goodness I'm forty now and I've only just finished training!).

I told her about an attempted rape, subsequent mental breakdown and reliance on alcohol for four years, tricky marriage, the abortion and subsequent depression and childlessness. I told her about the joy of having kids but also the onset of Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction and the chronic pain I endured. Plus I mentioned the struggles that I had engaged with to try to come to terms with the difficulties of the first fourteen years.

At the end of the session she looked at me:

'I thought you said it got better after the age of fourteen'.

'Err.. well it did..'

She looked at me.

'Well it did.... a bit'.

She smiled, 'I think you are called to be a "Wounded Healer". Have you read that book?'

'Yes, my Spiritual Director said the same thing. She lent it to me'.

But I wasn't sure I wanted to be a wounded healer.

Nonetheless, what we want doesn't always seem to be the biggest factor in what happens. My brother rather ruefully says that the got older he gets, the more he realises how few choices have actually been available. I can see what he means. As I look back on the landscape of my life, whilst I thought I had massive numbers of decisions to make and that the world was my oyster, the reality was that I had a number of obstacles to overcome and a great deal of growing up to do. And whilst I could change the little things like who I married or what career I did, I couldn't change the big things like how broken I was and therefore the type of marriage that I had or the type of scrapes that my immaturities would lead me through.

And so it turns out that I find myself being a wounded healer by accident. Somehow, many, many people with wounds that are similar to mine have confided in me about their wounds. It is an immense privilege.

I am deeply grateful to the wounded healers who have been alongside me and listened to me for hours. Now I spend more time listening to others I realise how painful it is to listen. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, like all the goodness and happiness and joy in the world can't compensate for the utter leviathan agony that people suffer and that it is possible to witness. And I become even more grateful to those who have listened to me. I wrote this poem about how one of my Spiritual Directors made me feel. I hope I can make others feel loved and restored like she did:

You look at me with a clear gaze
and the kindness in you eyes
amazes me, humbles me.
After the sighs, the ‘whys’, the struggles
the lies, the shame, the pain,
the fear, the horror of being debased.
Nothing ever alters in you,
your love is the same -
consistent, eternal, caring.
Everything about you says,
"I’m still here and glad to be",
sometimes with a humorous face.

You smile at me with sheer joy,
and I know that you love me,
believe in me, trust me.
You enjoy me, welcome me.
I’ve never seen anyone shine
so brightly and with such glee.
It is like sunshine on my skin,
warm, enriching, healing
infectious, expansive, unrestrained.
The freedom of God’s laugh,
and I am the luckiest person alive
for the recipient is so often me.

And you hold me with such tenderness
and generosity when I am in pain.
You comfort me with your love,
your kindness, stillness, patience
You wait with me, watch with me,
speak softly to me in the safe place.
I can feel the touch of concern
soothing me on the nape of my neck
I feel the countenance of compassion
restoring me, resting on the top of my head.
I feel my heart stilled, the world is safe
in the arms of your healing embrace.

Episcopal Girl

2011-05-19T12:30:00.001+01:00

h/t Ann

This made me laugh... so wish we'd done this as a sketch when we were training for ordination. Them were the days. Go girls!

Bishop John is spot on with Schools Policy

2011-05-19T07:00:00.000+01:00

I know this is old news, but I have been feeling too unwell to comment on current affairs recently, so have a stock of blog posts I would like to write about church news.

The first post that I want to write is that I was so proud of my bishop in this interview - I agreed with every word he said about church schools. It is worth clicking through to the link and watching the video if you haven't seen it. (Yes I know it was unfortunate that the news broke on Good Friday).

He addresses the fundamental issue of 'what are we, the church, here for?' Are we a club who huddles together and shares the benefits, or are we about serving the world and transforming the world?

I am more and more convinced that we sometimes fall down as a church because we fail to follow through with our vision, we can't quite manage to be the radical institution that we are called to be.... what would it look like if we did these things:

'Do not fear'
'Love your neighbour as yourself'
'Bless those who persecute you'
'Remember the first will be last'

I think Bishop John modeled these things and more in his interview. And he is right - unless we are inclusive in all our policies then our mission is compromised. This is vastly more important than exam results or people coming church to get their kids in a school. He is clear in his vision - Gospel values first, even if it is sacrificial.... Maybe it isn't such a bad thing that the news broke on Good Friday - Jesus pours himself out for all and this is the challenge to us as a church to do likewise.

Quincy says 'No' to the Anglican Covenant

2011-05-18T21:45:00.000+01:00

Sorry this is old news - couple of weeks late, but I am trying to get back to recording what is going on now I am feeling a bit better. Quincy covers the area of West Illinois. You may like to read their reasons for declining to adopt the Anglican Covenant

h/t Wounded Bird

The Episcopal Diocese of Quincy
Anglican Covenant Responses

We, the deputies of the Episcopal Diocese of Quincy, each having read the proposed Anglican Communion Covenant thoroughly and prayerfully and various documents in favor and not in favor of adopting the covenant, report our unanimous response (with one lay deputy absent due to serious illness):

1) We have grave reservations about the “instruments of the Communion,” the authority bestowed by the proposed covenant and the hierarchy it creates. The only hierarchy of the Communion has been a spiritual one, bonding all Anglicans to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Lambeth Conference is an important gathering of the Communion’s bishops, each now by invitation of the Archbishop of Canterbury. It may issue recommendations or spiritual advice to the Communion, but has no binding authority.

The Anglican Consultative Council, created by the Lambeth Conference in 1968, is not widely recognized as an authoritative body in the Communion, nor does it appear to be clearly known to the average Anglican.

The Primates’ Meeting seems to have taken on a life of its own and again is not widely understood or seen as a source of authority.

While the present wording of the Covenant does not clearly establish these bodies as an authoritative hierarchy it is a move in that direction.

We only recognize the Archbishop of Canterbury as our spiritual head, and no other earthly international authority. We see no reason to change this.

2) Despite protests to the contrary, it is clear that section 4 is punitive. It is a break with the history of the Communion, which has been a warm fellowship of churches in communion with the Archbishop of Canterbury and who share common sources of worship and tradition.

3) The need or desirability of a Covenant, with or without section 4, seems to us counterproductive, sewing seeds of conflict and endangering the great productivity with which God has blessed our Communion.

4) While manifold blessings are being given us as our global community draws closer together, we must recognize that the world in which we live is still very diverse. The customs, circumstances, growth and spiritual needs of people throughout our world share much in common and yet remain quite divergent as our histories, traditions and social interactions are not always the same. We recognize that the continents and countries of our world each have unusual, sometimes unique, needs to which God, through His Church, will respond in varying ways. We can only respect these needs and differences and recognize God’s grace showered on us all.

5) All of our deputies feels the language of the proposed Covenant is too vague, unclear and not concise. Specifically it was called “gobbledygook.” The average church person probably will have little idea what the covenant really says or means, if she or he can be induced somehow to read it. We doubt few have any real interest in a covenant.

6) We feel rather than binding the Communion together in closer fellowship, the proposed covenant, with or without Section 4, is an invitation to conflict and will lead to further stress and distrust that will endanger our future together.

7) We shall attend General Convention determined to listen carefully and be open to the Spirit. However, with the knowledge and urging of that Holy Spirit we have received up to this point, we shall will vote against adopting the Covenant.

Submitted by:
The lay and clergy deputies to the 2012 General Convention from the Episcopal Diocese of Quincy, 24 April 2011.

An exercise in self justification?

2011-05-18T12:30:00.000+01:00

photo © 2010 Jacqui Brown | more info (via: Wylio)

I believe that the spiritual path is one where we come face to face with ourselves.. we unmask. We stop excusing our behaviour, stop justifying our prejudices, stop denying our fears and stop hiding our brokenness.

It is awful painful.

It starts in a moment.. perhaps at the foot of the cross.. which is where it began for me.. and it becomes a lifetime's journey, an epic adventure that keeps moving us on over vastly different terrain. There are tough times and we can be tempted to stop... or even to retreat... to backtrack, maybe without even realising it.

A big part of the job of the church is to provide structure and support for this epic quest, for in unmasking we can see God for the first time and indeed as we become more and more real we encounter God in ever deeper ways.

In a conversation a couple of days ago I found myself running straight into a wall. SLAM. It caused me to reel. I had given a copy of the Winchester Report to the priest who will marry us and before meeting with him I had run through it. It has a series of questions that evaluate whether the couple are good candidates to be married in church. So I assessed myself against each question... fine, fine, fine.. tick, tick, tick, I thought as I read it. According to this I am squeaky clean....

So we got to the pub and the priest looked at me, 'What is this? An exercise in self-justification? We all do that.'

SLAM.

If I carry along that track I will be happily backtracking on all the years of openness and honesty that I have travelled along. Of course I'm not squeaky clean, I may be able to easily answer the questions in the report, but there are always deeper questions and deeper questions beyond those. I've spent many hours unpacking what happened in my marriage and my part in it. I have acknowledged weaknesses that I didn't realise I had, and learned how to accept them and work with them before God. Chief of which was codependency. Of course I'm not squeaky clean.

It made me remember how arduous the selection process for ordination was for me. I was travelling along the road to freedom, but in the face of scrutiny and the feeling of being judged against criteria, the temptation to self-justify was incredible. There was a strong temptation to tick the boxes and to consider myself suitable.

I must say my DDO was completely, amazingly, wonderful. I may have done some self-justification for a while but then I had a total meltdown over whether it was appropriate for someone who had been abused to be a priest... The process had caused me to remember a host of things that I had buried and my life no longer made sense. I said to her that I was a mess, it was as if I was doing a jigsaw and I had pink and blue pieces and I couldn't see any way to piece them together. She replied that in time I would, and that the blue may become sky and the pink would perhaps become a flower.

And she was right.... about sorting it out.. not the sky and flower thing particularly...

I love the church when it encourages us towards openness and healing. I have had so many of these experiences where it does that so well. My DDO being a wonderful example of that, and I have many memories of her encouragement. Sadly, I have also had times when I have been afraid to open my mouth in a Christian group for fear of being shot.

My friend's comments caused me to redouble my efforts to follow the path of not self-justifying, in the words or Frederick Buechner:

"What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing."

Wednesday Web Round-up

2011-05-18T07:00:00.096+01:00

Ok this round up is dedicated to Gurdur because he does such excellent round-ups and he has been offline for a week.. which feels a long time. I'll try to do it a bit more in his style.

Church Issues Posts

The nakedpastor illustrates how churches talk-the-talk but then do the opposite in his post 'we welcome short people'.

The Church Mouse talks sense, as usual, in his post 'Church misery guts over royal wedding spoof video'. I recommend that Mouse becomes the chief PR professional in the Church of England and all potentially idiotic decisions about being grumpy with cartwheeling vergers and the like should be given to him for consideration first. This would help with my blood pressure and swearing at the computer screen issues. It is worth consideration....

Benny's Blog highlights how we are a sex mad church. Truly we are - all we want to obsess about is who puts what bit were and whether they are married when they do it. We even have an Anglican Covenant looming to try and sort it out.

A New Name explains what can and can't be said in church... ouch.

Atheist Issues:

Thoughts from Kansas writes an excellent post on atheist tactics entitled '....because we said so'

Ethical Posts:

Bishop Alan writes a truly inspired post entitled 'airbrushing out the women' and then in the comments robustly disallows religion to be an excuse for poor behaviour.

Vic the Vicar writes a very thought provoking post about divorce and made me see things in entirely new ways.

Human Interest Posts:

Lay Angelica has some great advice on what to do and say, reflecting on people's response to her cancer.

Eliza does very little writes a very moving post entitled 'Openness, honesty and T-shirts'. What would your T-shirt be?

Lighter posts:

Apples of Gold has a bit of a wardrobe crisis and reminds me why I'm glad I have sons rather than daughters.

The Screaming Kettle at Home has a very amusing post entitled 'Top Twenty Five Tuesday: Baffling Search Results that Have Led People to My Blog'

Significant Truths made me laugh and looks at the Church and Masons.

Not as good as Gurdur's round-up - but I quite enjoyed writing it this way...

South East Asia 'Accede' the Covenant

2011-05-17T15:58:00.001+01:00

photo © 2010 Jesse Baron | more info (via: Wylio)

South East Asia have 'acceded' to the Covenant. If you would like to read an excellent blog post on this subject see the Liturgy Blog.

I was interested in this aspect of their understanding of the Covenant:

(a) that those who accede to the Anglican Communion Covenant will unequivocally abide by Lambeth 1998 Resolution 1.10 in its spirit and intent;

(b) that those Provinces and Dioceses whose actions violate Lambeth Resolution 1.10 as well as subsequent Primates Communiqué statements that have placed a moratorium on the consecration of gay bishops and the authorization and implementation of public rites for the blessing of same sex unions, are expected to rescind their actions, and bring their public doctrine and practice in line with Lambeth 1.10, before acceding to the Anglican Communion Covenant; and

(c) that Churches that accede to the Anglican Communion Covenant should bear authentic witness to the orthodox faith by an unequivocal commitment to the standards of moral and ethical holiness as set by Biblical norms in all aspects of their communal life. (Mt 19:4-6; Rom 1:21-32; 1 Cor 6:9-11; Gal 5:16-26; Eph 5:3-14; Col 3:5-14; 1 Thess 4:3-12; 2 Tim 3:1-5; Heb 13:1-5; 1 Pet 4:1-11; 2 Pet 2:13-22; Jude v18-21; Rev 18:1-8).

(d) that the Primates Meeting, being responsible for Faith and Order, should be the body to oversee the Anglican Communion Covenant in its implementation (Anglican Communion Covenant Section 3.1.4.IV and South-to-South Encounter, Fourth Trumpet, 21).

Interesting that they want the Primates to oversee the Covenant - making it both episcopally lead and governed. I would hope for more lay involvement.

Also, I thought I'd better look the verses up, like the good evangelical I used to be. I have added the texts to the end of this blog post (below the fold).

Having looked at the verses and in the context of (a) and (b) above, which mention Lambeth 1:10, it seems that the South East Asians are under the impression that the Covenant is all to do with sex, homosexual sex. And this is understandable as it came into being as a result of the Windsor Report which dealt with homosexual sex.

The South East Asians have decided that they know the answer to the question of whether practising homosexuality is okay or not. The answer is that if you engage in homosexual sex then the below verses apply. So... by implication... homosexuals are are going against God's will, they are foolish, liars, filled with every kind of wickedness and depravity, deserve death, immoral, will not inherit the Kingdom of God, disobedient, pagan, should be shunned, are divisive and in the end will be overtaken by fire as God judges them.

Terrific.. where do I sign?

Matthew 19:4-6

4He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

Rom 1:21-32

21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Galatians 5:16-26

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[a] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Ephesians 5:3-14

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

Colossians 3:5-14

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[a] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.11 Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-12

3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.[b] The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. 7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
9 Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. 10 And in fact, you do love all of God’s family throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers and sisters, to do so more and more, 11 and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, 12so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

2 Timothy 3:1-5

1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Hebrews 13 1-5

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 3 Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.
4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. 5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”

1 Peter 4:1-11

Living for God 1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. 2 As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 3 For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 4 They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you. 5 But they will have to give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. 6 For this is the reason the gospel was preached even to those who are now dead, so that they might be judged according to human standards in regard to the body, but live according to God in regard to the spirit.
7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

2 Peter 2:13-22

13 They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done. Their idea of pleasure is to carouse in broad daylight. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their pleasures while they feast with you.[a] 14 With eyes full of adultery, they never stop sinning; they seduce the unstable; they are experts in greed—an accursed brood! 15 They have left the straight way and wandered off to follow the way of Balaam son of Bezer,[b] who loved the wages of wickedness. 16 But he was rebuked for his wrongdoing by a donkey—an animal without speech—who spoke with a human voice and restrained the prophet’s madness.
17 These people are springs without water and mists driven by a storm. Blackest darkness is reserved for them. 18 For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of the flesh, they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error. 19 They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for “people are slaves to whatever has mastered them.” 20 If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and are overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. 21 It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them.22 Of them the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,”[c] and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.”

Jude 1:18-21

18 They said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires.” 19 These are the people who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit.
20 But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

Revelation 18:1-8

Lament Over Fallen Babylon 1 After this I saw another angel coming down from heaven. He had great authority, and the earth was illuminated by his splendor. 2 With a mighty voice he shouted:
“‘Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great!’[a]
She has become a dwelling for demons
and a haunt for every impure spirit,
a haunt for every unclean bird,
a haunt for every unclean and detestable animal.
3 For all the nations have drunk
the maddening wine of her adulteries.
The kings of the earth committed adultery with her,
and the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries.”
Warning to Escape Babylon’s Judgment
4 Then I heard another voice from heaven say:
“‘Come out of her, my people,’[b]
so that you will not share in her sins,
so that you will not receive any of her plagues;
5 for her sins are piled up to heaven,
and God has remembered her crimes.
6 Give back to her as she has given;
pay her back double for what she has done.
Pour her a double portion from her own cup.
7 Give her as much torment and grief
as the glory and luxury she gave herself.
In her heart she boasts,
‘I sit enthroned as queen.
I am not a widow;[c]
I will never mourn.’
8 Therefore in one day her plagues will overtake her:
death, mourning and famine.
She will be consumed by fire,
for mighty is the Lord God who judges her.

Selection for Ordination of Divorced Candidates

2011-05-17T07:00:00.003+01:00

In response to my post yesterday on remarriage in the Church of England, a few people emailed me their stories and asked that I should highlight the process for selecting candidates for ordination who are divorced.

The truth is, although I have known people who have been through this process, it is hard for me to write about it because I haven't experienced it myself.

I know there is a lot of strong feeling about the process - I regularly see people tweet questions like 'why is it just divorce that gets investigated, what about investigating lustful thoughts and loss of temper?'

I find the whole thing deeply disturbing, and it strikes me that the church is willing to damage members of the flock in order to avoid potential scandal... "See how they love each other"..?

Perfect love drives out all fear, we read in the Bible.. but the church seems riven with fear of scandal.

In addition, when I became a Christian, I read the Bible for the first time and got excited. Like Jude in the video above, I thought:

Jesus came for the broken,
brother and sister
the ache, the pain
and the blister.
The wrong decision,
the open wound,
the blurred vision
that won’t ever hope again.

I thought the church was the place for sinners, because the well have no need of a physician. But, in selecting the leaders it seems like the criteria is more:

The Church want the well
the swell, the hell I’ve got everything I need,
the nothing’s lacking,
the non-cracking up.
They're interested in courting
the sorted.

If you are divorced and feel called to ordained ministry, a 'bishop's representative' makes inquiries and fills in the following form:

This process is highly intrusive, it is a fault finding exercise with nothing about forgiveness and nothing about compassion.

The important thing is to ensure that the church does not become involved in any scandal.

Divorce, with the best will in the world, is intensely painful, RevKathy reminded me of some verses from Jeremiah in the comments yesterday:

The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over.

When I read the word 'crushed' I winced even though my divorce was relatively easy and amicable. We endure the pain and then we start to forget as the years go on. I had my interview with the priest who will marry us yesterday, and he remarked that although he had been alongside me during my divorce, he had forgotten the details. The thing is I had forgotten too - it is a natural part of the healing process...

Dragging up painful and guilt filled history seems to me to be counterproductive not only for the candidate for ministry, but also their ex, their children and any potential new partner.

The process is evidence based. The candidate provides their history and is interviewed closely by a Diocesan advisor who also contacts spouses, former friends and employers seeking information about the failed marriage. The process is a trial and you are guilty by implication, until exonorated by the process.

Of course, not all marriages end cleanly and the ex partner can make allegations that might be framed to derail any chance of a candidate being accepted for ministry. 'Revenge is sweet, but better served cold'.

I really think this process breaks the second great commandment - love your neighbour as yourself. What do you think?

Mr Catolick and the House of Love

2011-05-16T15:26:00.000+01:00

First Australian Diocese adopts the Anglican Covenant

2011-05-16T15:12:00.000+01:00

I’ve got behind with reporting on the Anglican Covenant – been so poorly and a bit preoccupied with other things – I have about 5 or 6 posts that I’ll put up each afternoon this week. This is the first, from the comments in the Liturgy Blog ‘Anglican Covenant meaningless’:

I’m a member of the Synod of the Diocese of Gippsland, which is a part of the Anglican Church of Australia. Our diocesan synod finished yesterday.

One of the motions at the Synod was the following:
“That this Synod receives the final draft of the Anglican Communion Covenant and encourages the General Synod to adopt the Covenant by resolution at its next session.”
The motion was passed.

Before the vote on the Covenant we had a presentation from the Primate, Archbishop Phillip Aspinall. The Archbishop, not surprisingly, presented the Covenant as a Good Thing, for a few reasons. Bishop John McIntyre, the Bishop of Gippsland, also presented the Covenant as a Good Thing, as did the mover of the motion, the Hon Robert Fordham (until recently a member of the Anglican Consultative Council). All three really suggested that the Covenant is a way of ‘solidifying’ Anglican identity, and maintaining relationships.

There were not many who voted against the motion (which was passed on the voices), but I was one. I’m a homosexual Anglican, and all I can see in the Covenant is a means of clobbering those who disagree with the majority, whatever that might be on the issue that presents (that there is no clear mechanism for that to happen, is beside the point, in my view).

Looking at the Province of South East Asia’s document leaves me in no doubt as to their understanding of the Covenant. That our Diocese’s understanding is quite different is interesting, and speaks to the vagueness of the process.

In short, I see little hope in this process, but I wanted to note that the process of reception has started in the church in Australia.

The church, forgiveness and divorce

2011-05-16T07:00:00.003+01:00

photo © 2006 Hamed Saber | more info (via: Wylio)

My physio is one of my heroes. I suffer from a condition called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction and started seeing him almost exactly eleven years ago. The condition started during my second pregnancy and rendered me unable to walk.

I was told it would get better after the birth, but it didn't..

then after I stopped breastfeeding, but it didn't...

then after my son was a year old..

but it didn't!

I was seeing physios on the NHS, but it wasn't improving.. and then I heard that there was a physio who could help, and so I spent money I seriously didn't have to go and see him. It was worth every penny a hundred times over.

Not only is he a miracle worker, he is a really good guy. He is candid, honest, caring, wise, respectful and fun. I see him about once every six months these days, and for me it is like seeing a Spiritual Director.

We talk about the church, society, morality, spirituality, and he bends my ear about where the church is getting it right or wrong. Is he a Christian? - no. Will he ever go to church? - no way! I found out why very soon into our friendship:

When he was eighteen, he married his seventeen year-old girlfriend. They thought it was a good idea. It wasn't. They parted on good terms and were divorced within the year.

Some years later, he fell in love and wanted to marry his sweetheart.. in church... It was important to his wife-to-be, I think they were both reasonably spiritual, and she had always dreamed of marrying in her village church.

Well you can guess what happened.

The answer was no.

He was hurt.

Angry.

He felt like he was being told he was no good.

He had committed the unforgivable sin.

He was a second-class husband.

When my physio told me this story, the anger and pain raged in his eyes, which was shocking really, because he is such a warm and happy man, with twinkly, shiny, mischievous eyes. It was also shocking because the event had happened over twenty-five years earlier.

So I wanted to ask him whether he could find it in his heart to forgive the church. But I didn't, because I knew he would respond by saying that the church refused to forgive him, so why should he forgive them?

I guess this story is not unique.

I was reminded of my Physio yesterday. I was writing the Order of Service for our wedding and was anxious to get it right, dot all the 't's and cross all the 'i's.... oops - that isn't right is it?

Anyway.

I was on the internet trying to find out what we must do, who we must speak to, as divorcees, where the Winchester Report might be found and what it says (the report that allows divorcees to be married in church).

In my Googling, I got more and more depressed. It sapped all my joy. The church appeared to be begrudging, small-minded, judgemental and generally miserable. Furthermore, psychologists will tell you that it is pointless and naive attributing blame... marriage breakdown is complex and simple stories of blame are to be treated with suspicion. But it feels that the church does blame, so either they didn't do that sort of research or thought it was irrelevant. In the reports, divorcees appeared to be thought of as second class, woefully negligent and broadly an unwelcome embarrassment.

Blimey.

Nothing like feeling loved, accepted and forgiven.

And the reports of the Church seemed to be nothing like those things.

I understand the hurt of my physio so much more now.

I have picked up a bit since surfing the net, but I feel like there is a disapproving shadow that the church casts, and it is painful. It really does hurt. The truth is that most Vicars are much more caring, loving and forgiving than the reports suggest... but there again, I guess it can be a bit of a lottery.

Of course, if you murder your ex-partner, serve your time and say sorry you can remarry in the Catholic Church or any Church of England church, I believe.

Murder is forgivable... for some it seems that divorce is not.

Ooops

2011-05-15T18:39:00.000+01:00

photo © 2007 Chris | more info (via: Wylio)

Sorry - somehow managed to post a couple of half formed drafts on my blog!

Will try to do better!!!

Organising a Wedding

2011-05-15T07:00:00.001+01:00

photo © 2008 Adam Fuller | more info (via: Wylio)

Been in ‘wedding organising mode’ the last couple of days. It is weird being on this side of the wedding and not being the priest. In a strange way I can’t stop playing the ‘Oh I’m getting married and I don’t know what to do’, helpless role, whereas when I am in ‘professional mode’, I’m like..

‘this is what you do, have you thought about this and that?

Who will be giving you away?

Who will be signing the register?

Question…?

question…?

q u e s t i o n...?

and another 17 questions...????????

The couple generally look at me with wide eyes... err... well... umm... err... yes... hadn't thought about that...

I’m a bit more sympathetic, suddenly, funnily enough. There are lots of little decisions to make, and they start to feel overwhelming, and there are delicate relationships within families that need considering... the questions aren't so easy to answer.

Reminds me of when I was a University Lecturer and I used to roll my eyes because the students not only failed to bring their calculators, but sometimes would fail to bring a pen and paper too! For goodness sake!!!!! And another thing – why had they not done the work I’d set them?

And then when I started training for ordination, on an evening and weekend course, often I would find myself asking my neighbour for a piece of paper.. and sometimes a pen too! Oooooops.... Oh, and it was tough to get the essays in because I had a life other than the course which also required my attention. It was an eye-opening experience, being both a lecturer and student at the same time. Suddenly, I was a much more sympathetic lecturer!

Anyway.. back to the point..

It feels like there are lots of things to do, even though our wedding is going to be microscopically small…

Here are some decisions we have made so far:

Number of guests – 20
Church - tick
Venue for meal – tick
No photographer
No Cake
No bouquet
Order of service (mostly)
Hymns (perhaps)
Readings (maybe)
Witnesses
Rings ordered
Wedding dress ordered online (fingers crossed)
Priest to marry us

Plus we’ve started the Banns process and sent off the invitations.

I could do with your help though… If you have time, can you tell me:

1. Your favourite music to go out to.

2. Some non-classical music that would be good for signing the register.

3. Your favourite wedding hymns.

4. Your favourite wedding readings (esp a Gospel passage)

Thanks – hope not to be too fixated on this over the next few weeks!

Blogging is cheaper than therapy

2011-05-14T07:00:00.003+01:00

A few things have happened lately to make me realise once again how grateful I am for my blog and for the people who read it.

I think I forgot for a while how much I love it.

Sometimes it is tricky – it makes me think hard and my brain hurts.

Or I have a challenging set of questions and I don’t have the emotional energy to respond.

Or I fear I’ll lose a friend because we are disagreeing.

Or someone is flaming me.

Sometimes I can’t find anything inspiring in the blogosphere – or worse, I can’t find anything that inspires me on my blog.

And it feels like

words.....

words.....

meaningless words.

And then I wake up.. come to my senses and realise what an immense privilege and life changing experience blogging has been for me.

I have rehearsed the benefits before – the greater interest and knowledge about stuff, the friendships I have made, the amazingly kind emails I get that make me cry – never had so much encouragement before. But one aspect that has been more evident to me recently and I have been too embarrassed to admit is summed up in the phrase:

“Blogging is cheaper than therapy”.

I first noticed the phrase in the ‘Blogrocket’ free ebook where he was encouraging bloggers to keep going for many, many reasons and ‘cheaper than therapy’ was one of them.

But in fact it is a common phrase and a common experience.

I guess I started blogging when I was bereft because my marriage was over and I had free time at the end of the day - the time I used to spend time with my husband. And I was hurting.

I have been struck that the posts about my divorce have gradually gone from ‘pain, guilt, wail, stress, tears, shame, more pain’ to ‘acceptance’. ‘The first cut of the year’ was an early one and ‘Saying thank-you to my ex’ is just a year later. I think it is this blog and the kind community that surround it that have enabled me to make this transition.

But it isn’t just that – I feel scared as a parent or I have a bad day, and the process of writing the post in itself helps, as well as reading the comments, it restores my sense of perspective.

I think I would have been reluctant to admit this benefit before – doing therapy in public is simply inappropriate, I would think to myself. But now I just see it as life – we all have good days and bad, and it helps to share the good and the bad… lets us know we are all human.

So thank-you. Once again.

x

Overdone things

2011-05-13T17:47:00.000+01:00

photo © 2008 jim crossley | more info (via: Wylio)

Rightly or wrongly, probably wrongly, I kept an appointment on Monday that meant I was out the house all day. Since then I have been exhausted – sleeping on and off in the day again and very diminished in energy.

Been feeling low as a result, and stupid.

Also, whereas I was pottering around the house feeling like some things were getting done, now nothing is getting done and my little list of possible jobs I might do feels overwhelming.

Weird how it affects everything. My mood has been almost endlessly sunny since being ill, but today everything seems difficult.

I regret that I can’t see my dad (now bedridden and sleeping all the time – worried he might die before I next see him).
I feel fed up that I can’t get a wedding dress sorted.
I feel sorry that I promised my mum she could stay and she is waiting on top line to come over, but I’m too ill.
I feel guilty that it is so long since we’ve seen Alan’s mum (she has dementia so she doesn’t know, but I worry that deep down she does).
I feel like my kids are taking the piss about computer games.
I feel frustrated that I’ve changed a program that I use a lot and now it doesn’t work… grrr…
Oh and I’ve burnt my finger on the oven, sob… (seriously – it hurts)

Interesting how elderly parents have become a concern in this phase of life. Of course, nothing has really changed. Other days I just accepted that my health was most important right now, and the rest would have to wait.

I’m sure there are lessons I am learning from this about sometimes putting my needs first, about not finding worth in what I do and not worrying about what I can’t change.

I was sent an article about pacing oneself if you have ME or CFS and I found it helpful – common sense stuff really. It struck me that it had a monastic feel to it and that my life has a forced monasticism at the moment – eating the right food, no excesses, sleeping the right amount, getting the basics of life done like washing and cooking, then a small extra thing like sorting a cupboard, on days when I feel well.

The article said that people with ME reported an improvement when they stuck to the regime, and I wondered whether people without ME might also feel the benefit if our lives were more balanced with exercise, rest, work and sleep. Of course we would benefit, we all say, but life isn’t like that… is it? But why isn’t it like that?

Ultimate Dog Tease

2011-05-11T20:45:00.000+01:00

h/t Kerry

This is so mean!

The Simpsons – America’s most dysfunctional family

2011-05-11T19:57:00.000+01:00

I used to enjoy watching the Simpsons, until I realised how clever the program is, and how it models dysfunctional family life so well.... now I find it slightly scary! Let me try to explain:

Families are systems where no one is isolated from anyone else. If one person is like a bent cog, then they may choose to marry someone else who is damaged, and then the children have to adapt to this wacky environment too.

There is a “dysfunctional person” like Homer… often an active addict or someone with an untreated personality disorder. They marry an “enabler” who is like Marge – endlessly trying to make everything right. The enabler thinks that the dysfunctional person’s problem is their responsibility. Ironically, so does the dysfunctional person.

The oldest child becomes the HERO, like Lisa. They try to make everything in their family ‘better’, and the task is completely beyond them. They cover up feelings of inadequacy by overachieving and people pleasing. The stress and responsibility of their role is incredible. This child usually grows up to become an enabler and co-dependent. They slowly learn to put their needs last and their life on hold for others.

The second child becomes the SCAPEGOAT, like Bart. Challenging the dysfunctional person is counterproductive and so everyone in the family vent their frustrations on the scapegoat instead.

Another child may become the LOST CHILD, like the baby Maggie.. who broadly doesn’t draw any attention and doesn’t cause any problems.

Obviously, lots of generalisations in this, but I read a scholarly tome by Dr Robert Skynner (of Families and How to survive them fame):

..and in many of the detailed case studies the children were acting in these roles in order to survive family life!

Simpsons is scarily brilliant at highlighting the internal workings of a dysfunctional family!

Trust, Intimacy and Blogging

2011-05-11T12:30:00.001+01:00

We all have boundaries when it comes to blogging, and they fall in different places… and that is fine.

For me, broadly I don’t blog things that will mess up my real life relationships and I don’t blog things about work that I feel would be unprofessional…

So, I end up not blogging things that are really important to me, like:

the reason my marriage broke down
the issues my kids are dealing with
job interviews that come up
relationships in the parishes

In general, I try not to allude to stuff either, mostly because I find it very annoying when others do it – I’m like, ‘Oh for goodness sake – either bloody tell us or don’t’ when I read secret squirrel posts.

My boundaries do leave a lot of life to be shared and I love sharing life with other people in the blogosphere.

But I get blogger's block when something is consuming me that can’t be shared. I find it really difficult to read blogs, tweet, comment, write my own blog… I feel like I am withholding and need to withdraw to keep my secret safe.

I sense that I am a bit odd in this respect. I’m not particularly good at keeping my own secrets…. For instance, when I was eighteen and planning my boyfriend’s 21st birthday, he ended up thinking that I was having an affair because I was clearly emotionally withholding!

For me, relationships are based on trust, intimacy and mutuality, whether in the blogosphere or real life, and I feel that as soon as I can’t be intimate the relationship doesn’t work, and consequently the blog doesn’t work.

Anyway, that is a long way of saying that I’ve been elsewhere lately, and now I’m back… and if I have been odd then that is why! (Hope this hasn’t been a secret squirrel post!)

I would be interested in whether other people struggle like this too…?

Wednesday Web Round-up

2011-05-11T07:00:00.112+01:00

So here are my favourite posts this week. Hope you enjoy them too!

Funniest Pictures:

Daily Dawdle with '10 Best Ad Campaigns "Life's too short for the wrong job" '

Most Shocking Post:

Apples of Gold with 'Human Trafficking, the true horror'

I cannot begin to imagine the true horror of what it would be like for a victim of trafficking. The loneliness, isolation, the pain - both physical and mental, the complete loss of dignity and self worth, these women are slaves in every sense of the word. They have no rights, they are held captive, and forced to do the most awful things. How can one recover from that?

Best post about blogging:
Looking Deeper with 'blogging: a writer's dilemma'

But the question now is not - do I dare to blog? but Where is the balance? Because it's not just about time and energy - it's about the writing. Me as a writer. I'm currently focusing a lot on my (non fiction) book, which is privately satisfying but inevitably it doesn't 'show' in any way; it is a working towards something that might be published in the future, not an article I wish to get published now.

Best Nutty Christian exposé:
Jamie the very worst missionary with 'Turf Wars'

Peg your jeans, People. Pull on your leather jacket, cuff your cigarettes, and start snapping - The gangs of New York have got nothing on the turf war escalating in my neck of the rain forest.

Most Challenging post (and funny with it):
Rachel Held Evans with 'Ask Yourself'

She said, “Well, it sounds like you’re happy with that school, but we’re Christian missionaries, so the environment we expose our children to is extremely important to us.”

And I was like, “Are you kidding me?! Seriously? Ok, first of all - That’s just plain offensive. I mean, do you honestly believe that you care more about your kids that I do because you’re a missionary, or a Christian, or whatever? Really?! Because that has got to be one of the most ballsy, arrogant, self-righteous things anyone has ever said to me. Oh, and second? Um. I’m a missionary, too! Thankyouverymuch.”

It’s true. I said all of that… In my head… Nine hours after the actual conversation took place.

Most Candid Post:
A new name with 'Make it Stop'

Emaciated arms, hugging the empty basket. I look at them and I’m frozen, winded by their misery. I want to rush over, to gently pry their fingers from the handles. To lead them somewhere safe, somewhere quiet. To stop the voices, the lies. To comfort and to heal. To speak truth and life into misery and a slow, slow death.

Best Writing:
Dreaming beneath the spires with 'Aliens and Strangers'

When I study the faces of immigrants, the lostness, the strain of the attempt to sing an old song in an alien land, I wonder if it was worth it. If immigration opens up a way to taste life in its fullness, perhaps it can be justified. For people whose deepest satisfaction is in their work, immigration works out for good, I guess, if it offers a larger, more fulfilling arena for their lifework. It’s a great trade-in. You trade in your roots--landscape, possessions, family, friends, connections, social standing, all things familiar that made up your world--to heed the siren summons to adventure in fresh woods and pastures new. In a sense, you change your very identity.

Most Interesting Post
Psychcentral with 'Computers of Flesh'

Personally, I’d recommend a grandmother’s advice about how to achieve happiness over a neuroscientist’s. I’d embrace a yogi’s opinion about how to manage anxiety over a psychiatrist’s. And I’d endorse a saint’s ideas about the meaning of human life over a reductionist’s. Sure, let’s continue to study the brain. But until the research proves itself in the behavioral realm, let’s not grant it so much influence over how we view ourselves and our struggles.

Most Inspiring Post:
It's all about Love with 'You know you're a grown woman when....'

You know you're a grown woman...When you inform your employer that regardless of budget cuts you will only stay in hotels rated 3.5 stars or better......And you don't share rooms with co-workers!!!

You know you're a grown woman...When admitting that you were wrong feels liberating instead of debilitating....and that being wrong is not "the end of the world."

Most Ironic Post:
Newsbiscuit with 'Many born-again Christians suffering birth defects'

Doctors warned today that those embracing religion in adult life are often not receiving the vital medical attention they need to avoid potentially dangerous complications during labour. As a result, the lives of born-again Christians are routinely being blighted by incurable conditions such as smugness, chronic evangelism and an inability to conduct a conversation without mentioning the name ‘Jesus’.

Learning from Art

2011-05-10T18:42:00.002+01:00

Whenever I paint or draw, it feels like the medium itself is trying to teach me lessons about life. Perhaps art is like prayer – it is a method of attentiveness, a word that Revsimmy uses so appropriately in the comments here.

Art is a hard disciplinarian in a number of areas and if I cut corners or disobey I cannot give birth to the piece of art that hides within the blank sheet of paper. And I fail much more often than I succeed.

The first discipline that I would do well to learn, both in art and in life is to tell the truth. The actual, hard, real, raw truth. If I compromise, flatter or fail to take time to look carefully and represent faithfully, then the art is compromised, marred and dishonest. In my head, I still have the words of my art teacher who was both a fantastic artist and a masterful teacher. “Represent it faithfully, look carefully”.

The process is iterative, a brushstroke – stand back and look, compare carefully, another brushstroke – stand back and look…

If I try to give someone a kinder hairline, a stronger jaw, a less wrinkled face, then not only does it not look like them, but it doesn’t look like anyone. Somehow all the features of our faces are connected, and all the boughs of a tree affect each other, the subtleties of light and shade and the intricacies of the forces that link everything together are too complex for me to fake – the real thing is all I can represent.

Another thing that Art teaches me, that I need to learn in life, is to carry on even through confusion and even in the face of contradiction. Sometimes I don’t understand why the colours are as they are, or the lines and shapes seem strange. It is hard to paint or live when confused. But sometimes it is those areas of faithfulness in the strangeness that are most beautiful. It takes maturity to accept the strange colours or shapes that the piece of art demands. And yet, when I look closely at the grand masters, I find lime green on the forehead or turquoise on the cheeks. And when I stand back it is a rich melody that speaks of a truth that is beyond my smallness.

However, suddenly, the confusion breaks and I am one with the piece. My conscious and subconscious work in harmony and I know in my mind's eye exactly how the feature that I am painting looks – I know where the light comes from, where the shading will fall, the shape of the eye socket, the bagginess of the skin, the shine of understanding in the subject's soul or the depths of their despair. I connect and the paint flows and I am one with the subject, with the brush and with myself.

I suppose I feel like it is these moments that are heavenly, perhaps it is when I start telling the truth and trust myself completely and the editor in my head starts working for me – building myself up rather than pulling me down. I don’t know. Moments like it are fleeting, but the quality of the art is so much better when it is like that.

Finally, and most difficult of all, is the ability to let my subconscious tell the story and to let the art become abstract. The truth telling goes beyond mere representation to the deeper truth of myth, and that is frightening and it is a vulnerable but healing place. I think that is something we reach towards when we say we are spiritual or when we pray. We know there is a deeper truth that our conscious mind can’t access. It can’t be weighed and evaluated, it can’t be grasped or sought, but it finds us in stillness and humility.

Art is never a relaxing hobby for me – it is a discipline in overcoming my flailing self to find my still self and a struggle to refuse my weaknesses in order to embrace my vulnerabilities. Perhaps this explains why I do it so rarely, why it is so tempting not to observe Lent or not to pray, not to face myself in the scriptures, not to listen to the words of those who know me best. Spiritual discipline is hard, and my over-indulgent self wants to turn away.

Art as therapy

2011-05-10T07:00:00.004+01:00

I have been doing a bit of sorting out as I need to make space for Alan to move in after we get married… I came across some of my artwork that I did at A’Level. I remember so well how therapeutic I found art. I took it as a fourth A’Level because I loved it so much. This one epitomised how lost and confused I could feel:

This one was a response to meeting and spending time with those who were on the fringes of society. In particular, I was shocked by meeting a group of prostitutes who were heroin addicts. Actually I suppose they were addicts who were funding their habit with prostitution. I was a broad-minded and worldly teenager but until then I had no inkling of the depths of ugliness, humiliation and despair that human beings could sink to. The thing I couldn’t get my head around was the difference between the way they looked when they were ‘working’ and when they weren’t. It wasn’t just sex that was being sold – it was a lie.

This is my most personal piece. There was a tremendous agony behind it that was released when I painted it. I had been out with an older man who worked on the funfair and he had tried to force himself on me. Then later he publicly dumped me in humiliating fashion. The girl represents me and the baby was the imaginary product of our short and painful relationship. Again, the painting shows I feel lost and alone in a sinister world. Looking at the painting now I think the baby represents my own inner child who I wanted to protect but didn’t know how.

I’ve recently taken up painting and drawing again, thanks to encouragement from The Pluralist. I’ve enjoyed painting and drawing my blogging friends (not sure they feel the same way). I have also painted characters from the past.

What has struck me is it is the wrinkles, the lines, the bags under our eyes, the moles that make us distinctive and give our faces character. Everyone has darkened skin under their eyes and laugh lines. Why on earth do we care? Everyone is beautiful. It is so intimate paining peoples faces – I am struck by their beauty and how their dads and mums must know and love their features so well.

I would love to do a larger project – like these pictures from A’Level. I didn’t intend to give up art forever when I left school, but somehow I have never found the time to commit to it ever since. I’ll have to see if I can find some time in the next phase of life.

I'm so excited...

2011-05-09T21:53:00.001+01:00

... shame that word has sexual connotations! I can't think of another word that expresses how I feel!

Mind you I do have the words of that Pointer Sister's song going round in my head, which is pretty err... rude, so now I'm wondering whether my choice of the phrase is Freudian!

Umm... so where was I?

Ah yes - I'm so excited...

I have been clearing some space in my house for Alan to move in next month..... (in case you have missed the news - I'm getting married on June 25th!)

My wardrobe is now half empty. In the process I have discovered a load of clothes that I had forgotten about, so that is cool!

Plus, I managed to get rid of some books so my bookshelves are now merely full rather than overloaded... sigh... lucky he has bookcases to bring!

I also need to get rid of some dilapidated furniture and rubbish in the garage... mmm.... sounds tricky.

But what it all means is I'm going to be spending much more time with the man I love...

I can feel another chorus of the Pointer Sister's song coming on!

I'm so excited - and I just can't hide it!!!

Why do people sit at the back in church?

2011-05-09T07:00:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I attended one of the churches in my Benefice and sat in the congregation, which is extremely unusual for me.

On the way to the door I had decided that I would sit at the back.

There were fifteen of us, spread around a bit, with the first five or six pews entirely empty. As I sat down I had a pang of guilt... I hate the way everyone sits at the back when I am leading a service - feels like I have leprosy. And there was I doing the same thing.

I would have been extremely resistant to moving, by the way.

Interestingly, when I go to the theatre I want to be close to the front and see what is going on - I have a completely different attitude.

But why? Well.....

- I couldn't stand or sing and so I felt conspicuous...
- I didn't know whether I might need to leave during the service...
- I was unsure whether whoever was leading the service would want me there, after all, sometimes I feel pressure if another vicar is there.

Which reminds me of a story when I was worshipping in a small town called Charlbury. Rowan Williams had a retreat house there and would occasionally attend in his lumberjack shirt and jeans, with Jane and their two children. At that church we often had students who were training at Wycliffe Hall come to 'practise' by giving sermons to us.

On one occasion, it so happened that one of the people who was training for ordination at Wycliffe Hall was going to give her first sermon to a live congregation..... that included the Archbishop of Canterbury! She looked terrified. I couldn't help but be a little amused... wouldn't have found it so amusing if it had happened to me however!

So.. where was I?

Ah yes - why do people sit at the back?

Well those were my reasons, but other people might have different ones.

Perhaps they aren't sure whether they really believe, or they are worried about what the preacher might say, or they don't want anyone to hear their rubbish singing... I don't know.

But I couldn't help wondering whether it was me that was putting the distance between myself and the congregation.

What would happen if I said at the beginning 'everyone is welcome, whether you believe or you don't believe or you aren't sure whether you believe'... and before the hymns what if I said 'please sing whether you are good or bad or you sound like a wailing cat'... and before each sermon I said 'I promise not to make you feel guilty, and if I do then we'll all go to the Local and the round will be on me'.

How about if I installed a cappuccino maker at the back of the church and told people to help themselves to coffee and doughnuts at any time during the worship and to feel free to come and go as they wished?

Just a thought - if I did that every week, would people start getting closer to the front? Perhaps they wouldn't turn up at all!

Incidentally, Rowan Williams sat at the back too. Understandably - he must feel conspicuous wherever he goes. Rowan also once sat in "someone's" seat and got told to move!

So that is why praying for parking spaces works!

2011-05-08T12:30:00.005+01:00

Every home group that I have ever attended, at some point, normally when we are on the subject of prayer, has a conversation like this:

'Yes, I pray to God a lot - just normal stuff - like when I really want a parking space'.

At which point two or three people looked shocked and one will say:

'You pray for parking spaces????'

And the first person will say 'Oh yes, and it works, they always open up for me'.

'But.. but.. but... what about all the people starving to death, or.. or... being raped, or with dying children, and God doesn't bother answering them, but he finds you a parking space'.

'Err.. yes'...

'I pray for parking spaces too'... chips in another, 'and it works'. Two or three nod authoritively.

And so the home group is split squarely down the middle between those who do and those who don't pray for parking spaces. I must have observed this phenomenon five times.

Personally, I think it is the power of positive thinking.

Lady Di was one of my heroes

2011-05-08T07:00:00.002+01:00

I had just caught a train from Northampton, probably aged fourteen or fifteen, and settled myself down in the refreshments carriage, with a nice cup of coffee and some homework, like the big swot that I was. And a member of staff came up to me:

'You're Lady Di aren't you?'

I wanted to correct him - it was 1984 and Diana had married in 1981, she was now Princess Di. Still - she was 'Lady Di' to us.

But I was very flattered, given I thought Princess Di was beautiful, although I had been accused of being her several times.

'No, I'm not'.

'Yes you are'.

'I'm not'.

'Seriously, you're having me on - you're Lady Di - no mistake'.

'Honestly, I'm not her!'

'You must be her sister then'.

'Sister!!!' - I thought... 'Humph, she has two older frumpy sisters... does he really think I look like them??' Less flattered now.....

'No'.

'Come on'.

'NO - I'm not'. (Blimey this guy is persistent)

'Cousin'.

'No'.

'Some other relative'.

'No'.

'You're Lady Di, aren't you?'

'NO - I am NOT Lady Di!'

With that, he went with a sort of 'Humph' and a 'I know you're Lady Di even if you don't admit it' reproving look.

The truth is we all looked a bit like Lady Di. We dressed like her and had our hair cut like her. I think I had a sort of coyness like her when I was that age.

For me she was a hero of sorts - she had the 'Toulouse Lautrec effect' - she seemed uncomfortable with all the pomp and formality of Royaldom and much more comfortable with the regular folk, the poor folk, the despised and marginalised. I suspected she was like that because inside she identified with the misfits. Of course that was projection, because I felt exactly like that.

My other hero was Boy George, for the same reason... he had a whole fan base of misfits.

We will never know the truth, but in my mind Diana was an open, vulnerable, loving human being, who came up against the hard institution of being Royal, and it crushed her. But even more so, the endless interest of the Tabloid Press damaged her, killed her. And so many of us felt the loss when she died. Elton John summed it up when he sang 'Candle in the Wind' at her funeral. I wept for her too boys - she was such a special person, how could those lads bear the loss?

I didn't approve of her discussing her marriage break up on national TV. But from the time that she exploded into the News as Lady Di until the time that she died, many of us couldn't get enough of her, and I guess the corollary is that much was reported that I had no business knowing.

All these feelings were churned back up for me because of the recent Royal Wedding. How sad for William that she was missing. Perhaps irrationally I felt anxious about the level of Press coverage. My news feed in the Google Bar on my Desktop has been full of details of this that and the other that I have no business knowing, and I have studiously avoided everything to do with it.

But then I think to myself that if the Royal Wedding was a state occasion to which everyone was invited, is it not natural that we all want to know the details of where they go on honeymoon, what they do (other than the obvious), when they are going to have kids, and all the rest? It is like the second part of a story.. what happens next?

I really hope that the private lives of Will and Kate will stay private. I'm really hoping that the circumstances around Diana's death will influence that. I guess Will will set some firm boundaries - let's hope so.

More Flying Bishops–another thing I don’t understand

2011-05-07T12:30:00.001+01:00

Okay, so correct me if I’m wrong…

- General Synod vote to abolish ‘flying bishops’, ie Bishops for people who want oversight from a Bishop who has never been tainted by ordaining a woman, or indeed ever thinking about ordaining a woman.

- At the moment the legislation is going through the Dioceses and looks like it will be passed.

- The two ‘flying bishops’ for the Southern Province of England migrate to Rome.

- Arrangements were made a month or two ago for pastoral care for those who the previously looked after by the flying bishops.

So what is the obvious thing to do?

a) Wait for a few months to see what happens in the Dioceses (it often takes a long time to appoint a bishop)?

b) Hastily appoint more ‘flying bishops’?

Well the answer is b). Thinking Anglicans reported:

Downing Street has today announced the appointment of the Reverend Jonathan Baker as Bishop of Ebbsfleet and the Reverend Norman Banks (pictured above) as the Bishop of Richborough, both of whom will be consecrated at a service at Southwark Cathedral on 16th June.

If someone could explain the logic of this I would be extremely grateful.

I would also be grateful if someone would explain to me why the ‘Forward’ in Faith logo has the world turning backwards, is it actually deliberate?

Lesley in Wonderland

2011-05-07T07:00:00.018+01:00

photo © 2008 Paul Stainthorp | more info (via: Wylio)

I'm having an odd couple of weeks... I feel like I have fallen down a rabbit hole and into a strange land.

For a start, I looked out of the window and discovered that since I was ill, the daffodils have flowered and gone over without me noticing... seems a shame.

The other thing about the garden is it looks like there could be some soldiers hiding in the grass, who don't realise the second world war is over, and will jump out with bayonets if I venture out there....

Maybe I exaggerate slightly.

Then I noticed yesterday that the 'Rinse Aid' in the dishwasher had run out, and I distinctly remember just filling it up recently...

Spooky!

Also, last night all three boys couldn't complete their homework because both the colour and the black and white cartridges had run out in both printers... *bad mummy*.

And why can't my boys see through their fringes any more - wasn't it only yesterday that I dragged them all to the barber's in Bicester?

Better check the kids 'Parent Pay' for their school lunches..... Oooops - overdrawn - how did that happen? *bad parent guilt*

Boy's sheets look a bit grubby - wonder when they last got washed.. ah that would be before I got ill - two months ago... wail - what sort of parent am I? Has it really been 2 months since I washed my own sheets? No - managed that one - especially after the fever... *more parent guilt*.

And my own hair - it is seriously long... and my eyebrows seem to have become twice as thick - no bad thing though, started plucking them in the 80's when the fashion was to have uber thin eyebrows! Mind you, there are an alarming number of white ones... where are the tweezers..?

And another thing - last time I ventured out it kept threatening to snow - now it seems like it is summer....

Wonder what my Google calendar says - eeeek... meetings I need to send my apologies for! I wonder how many meetings I have missed without sending apologies???? And how many birthdays have I missed without sending cards....??? Rats - lots.

What else had I better check? Bank account - mmm... good - seems like being ill saves money!

Scales.. mmm... not bad - seems like being ill makes you lose weight!

Err.. what else..

Think, think...

What doesn't last two months...

OIL!!! - Yikes.......... bye.........!

Bin Laden and other things I don’t understand.

2011-05-06T12:30:00.019+01:00

photo © 2007 U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service - Pacific Region's | more info (via: Wylio)
I did English Literature O’Level and hated it. It was one of the options we had to do and so I had no choice but to read Shakespeare and poems such as the ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner’. I was just too young to appreciate them. I failed the exam miserably.

As I remember it, the ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ went on interminably for page after page and the deal was that you weren’t meant to kill Albatrosses because it was bad luck. But one of the sailors on the boat did kill an albatross that had been following them for ages. If I remember rightly, it took a great deal of effort and sacrifice to perform this feat, and probably at least twenty pages of verse. Anyway, as soon as the sailor had finished celebrating, another albatross could be seen on the horizon, presumably to take the place of the first one that followed the boat.

This was my first thought when I heard that Bin Laden had been killed. One person, no matter how evil or unpleasant cannot and did not cause 9/11. A leader like Bin Laden existed, not because of the man himself, but because of the environment, the soil, the atmosphere that exists. Now he is dead, I don't understand why another albatross won't take his place? Surely, to solve the problem we need to understand the psychological and political world that they live in and engage intelligently?

There are a number of things I don’t understand at the moment. Perhaps this is going to turn into a series of posts!

On Being a Christian who is a Scientist

2011-05-06T07:00:00.004+01:00

I used to be a Research Assistant, looking at methods of predicting the growth of fatigue cracks in aerospace materials under the conditions that they might experience in flight.

To predict the crack’s growth it is important to predict the stresses and strains that the material is experiencing, and these can to some extent be calculated from the distances that bits of metal have moved around in the vicinity of the crack. So looking at the above picture, there is a vertical fatigue crack that has developed – probably one millimeter long from the top of the picture to the centre.

All the other lines that can be seen are showing movements in this <—> axis. Each line represents a movement of 0.417µm. Hence by looking at the crack above I can tell that it has opened up 17µm, which is about a half or a third as much as the diameter of a human hair.

Did this work interfere with my Christian values and beliefs? No – not at all! I was interested to read this excerpt by Jerry Coyne:

"Religion is based on dogma and belief, whereas science is based on doubt and questioning," says Coyne, echoing an argument made by many others. "In religion, faith is a virtue. In science, faith is a vice." The purpose of the Templeton Foundation is to break down that wall, he says — to reconcile the irreconcilable and give religion scholarly legitimacy.

In some ways I can see that I have kept my ‘scientific’ side separate from my ‘religious’ side. The two are different. For instance, in bringing up my children I feel the most important thing is to love them, but I don’t apply any science to this – how do I know this is the most important thing? How much love? Can there be too much? What are the alternatives? None of these things have occurred to me. However, in my scientific work everything was weighed and measured and noted and experimented with. 'Religion, or ‘faith’ as a word which I prefer, is in the same sort of space as all my relationships.

However, there are also similarities. In my scientific work I would think about which parameters it seemed reasonable to vary, and then work with those parameters, whilst trying to hold everything else constant. In other words I would have a theory, and then test it. With faith, it is similar. I believe that prayer is worthwhile, because people who have gone before me have said it is. And so I pray – to see if it does indeed work. I would now concur that it is valuable. I have many uses for it – it stills me, it enables me to see the ups and downs of the day more clearly, it enables me to forgive those who I am angry with, it helps me identify the things in my life that are causing me pain or the ways in which I am causing others pain, it causes me to feel like I am part of something much bigger than myself and that I am unconditionally loved.

Likewise with theology. Theology gives a worldview. I test my theology against the experiences of the world that I live in and against the experiences of others. My theology is continuously changing as I experience more of life. This is similar to my scientific modelling of metal fatigue – as each experiment was completed it changed the model that I was working on.. I refined it.

Some things I take on trust – I treat them as ancient wisdom, and it is only later that I understand the meanings of them. But there again I took much on trust in the work I did in the lab. I built on what had gone before, I took advice on how to design the machines, or how to conduct myself in a clean room.

So yes, religion and science are different, but so are politics and science, and we all still vote.

UK Top Female Christian Bloggers – Wikio for May(=Apr)

2011-05-05T21:20:00.004+01:00

Wooo-hooo…!!

I had to report on the female bloggers this month – many of them soaring up the Wikio rankings. The fourteen blogs that I mentioned last month are all in the top 60.

All of them!

With the exception of four of us (myself included - boo, hiss) everyone has risen – Looking Deeper has risen 78 places and Apples of Gold 24 places!

Here is the graph showing the movement of the blogs over the last five months:

And below is the table with the data in. If you click on the blog titles it will take you through to the blog:

Blog Title	Dec	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr
Lesley's Blog	11	6	5	4	5
maggi dawn	30	22	18	14	11
Revise Reform	35	31	26	28	25
RevRuth		115	62	29	28
LLM Calling		111	65	38	29
Dreaming beneath the spires	34	30	25	27	31
iBenedictines		110	66	31	32
Seeker	106	47	35	33	35
The Vicar's Wife	40	44	49	58	45
Apples of Gold			76	74	50
Read through the Bible with Anita		61	33	37	51
Anchor and Chaplain		114	69	42	54
Significant Truths				62	55
Looking Deeper		117	123	135	57

I love these blogs - very grateful to the authors for the time they put into them. Go girls!

Disclaimer: This is merely indicative of a greater element of women’s voices in the blogosphere.. it is in no way meant to be competitive, and not meant to upset any male bloggers… especially of the Mad and Priestly variety, who clearly has a very wonderful and successful blog!

Parenting is SCARY!

2011-05-05T07:00:00.007+01:00

Being a parent for me encapsulates some of the greatest joys and the greatest terrors of my life.

Somehow, I have been more neurotic about my kids than the rest of everything in my life put together, easily.

My first child was lucky to survive the pregnancy to term and then even luckier to survive being born. There was a problem with his placenta, and on his birthday it caused massive haemorrhaging for me and a traumatic few moments for both of us. When the midwife came to see us a few days later she burst into tears – obviously not an easy birth for her either!

I guess that is a picture for me of parenting – holding in my arms a little thing that I love beyond any reason, enveloped in surreal joy and bliss, woozy and covered in blood and not minding the sacrifice at all – just willing to do anything for the child, whatever the cost.

The other aspect of parenting, though, is the terror that this little thing depends on me. I was so afraid that my lads might die when they were tiny. If they overslept I would race into their room with my heart in my mouth and strain to see signs of them breathing. Unconvinced, I would give them a prod to make sure they were still with me.. normally stupidly waking them up at a stage when I was sleep deprived and could have done with the peace and quiet.

I look back now on the things that worried me when they were little and feel stupid - 'How could I have worried about that? Oh, I'm so much more wise and mature now'....

NOT.

Now they are getting into their teens there are new issues that terrify me. In the last six months I’ve twice had my heart in my mouth, not knowing what to do. Terrified once again. Today is one of those days.

I guess in ten years time, I’ll think I am being stupid and neurotic today. I hope so!

Say something comforting… please!

Wednesday Web Round-up

2011-05-04T12:30:00.101+01:00

Best Cartoon:

Rachel Held Evans with 'Seven Rules of Engagement'

Best Advice:
Vic the Vicar with 'Christian Churches and Depression and Mental Illness - Gordon's Story'

The church has a poor record of handling mental health issues and my own experience bears this out in a number of ways which I will outline in this article.

Most ironic:
The satirical christian with 'The End is Nigh'

The rise of homosexuality is a clear sign that the end of the world is nigh!

Such is the verdict from the head of the Anglican Church in Nigeria, Archbishop Okoh

Most horrific Spiritual Abuse:
Hephzibah girls with 'Story of Baby S. as witnessed by Susan Grotte 15'

I sensed rather than saw Mrs. K. stand up behind me. I dared not turn my head but up front Mrs Williams also hefted her wide girth out of her metal chair. It creaked loudly in protest. At just 40, Patti Williams was fat, slovenly and mean as a snake. Her grey hair in a stringy bun she stood looking back behind me towards the Mrs. K. and baby S. She had picked up the small paddle. A hard, tight smile crossed her humorless face. Mrs. K. had now made her way into my line of vision.

Mrs. K. was clearly upset as she carried her tiny baby towards the front of the chapel.

Comment: This is an extreme case, but I have known churches where parents are encouraged to 'break the will' of a child - Read Rachel Held Evan's article HERE.

Most Insightful:
nakedpastor with 'Why Unity can't be achieved'

If one is to believe that Jesus is righteous, and that the prayers of a righteous man avails much, and that Jesus prayed that we all be one, then can we believe that his prayer is already answered? Instead of believing that this unity is something that needs to be worked for, is it possible to be certain that it is already a reality that needs admission and maintenance:

Best Writing:
Dreaming Beneath the Spires with 'Buying a Griffin':

So we tell the girls, " We almost bought a griffin today."

One daughter takes this in her stride. "Oh," she says.

(What is she meditating on? She is as abstracted as her father.)

The other daughter says, "What, where would you have put it?"

Me, frowning, "In the garden."

Most interesting question:
Washington Post.com with 'So What Made Me an Addict?'

Is addiction a disease? A moral weakness? A disorder caused by drug or alcohol use, or a compulsive behavior that can also occur in relation to sex, food and maybe even video games?

Most Sensible:
The Church Mouse with 'How to look a PR gift horse in the mouth

Welcome to the wacky world of the Church of England.

One of the high points of the Royal Wedding for Mouse was the Cartwheeling Verger. This is the now legendary incident in which Verger Ben Sheward, trotted back down the aisle of Westminster Abbey full of jubilation and joy after the wedding party had left the building. He was so overcome by the occasion that he did two cartwheels.

Comment: Dear Lord Jesus, please save us from the CofE PR, or is this penance for something?

Most Celebratory:
Seeker with '2nd Anniversary'

2 years ago yesterday I dipped a tentative toe into the blogosphere, created this blog and published a first brief and rather boring post, THE BLOG BEGINS. I had no idea what I was doing but intended to learn on the hoof as it were

Comment: Congratulations Nancy!

Most Candid:
Onlydads with 'Men and Children and Trust'

So what is this anxiety? I will try and explain.

Being a single dad of two girls – now 14 and 11 for the last 7 years has meant that I have “felt” awkward on way too many occasions. I’ll highlight some of these awkwardness’s:

Oh Lesley is a soppy git

2011-05-04T07:00:00.003+01:00

h/t My pilgrimage to Santiago

I found this on emilene's blog and it made me cry. Something very beautiful and hopeful about her blog - check it out.

Wednesday round-up later... haven't quite got it together yet!

I’m still in love with church

2011-05-03T14:59:00.000+01:00

I wrote a post a while back called ‘I need to fall in love again’. It was about my broken love affair with the church. My broken heart, perhaps.

I think many, many people feel the same pain, they have been mangled by the church at some point. And it hurts.

Of course, I wrote in my post that it is only some of the church, some sections that I find difficult. The parts of the church where you get marginalised for believing the ‘wrong’ thing or judged for having the ‘wrong’ lifestyle.

Falling out of love with ‘church’ is perhaps like deciding all men are scumbags having had a series of bad relationships. Understandable as that may be.

Bishop Alan put an interesting comment on my post:

I've been mulling over the mystery to which Jesus drew attention that the Scribes and Pharisees are wonderfully good at producing elaborate maps, but hopeless journeying companions. I'm sure we all have an emergent purpose together somehow, and the situation we encounter in Church reproduces fairly accurately in some ways the decision tree Jesus' first hearers faced in discerning their way amidst the religious leaders of their day - a strange sort of authenticity, but not insignificant?

Not entirely sure what he means, if I am honest, but I take from it that really, we need to journey alongside those who are helpful, and not those who are destructive.

I went to church on Sunday at St Michael’s and All Angel’s, which is the church of my fiancé, Alan. (oooo - fiancé!!) It was lovely. Truly wonderful to be worshipping in church with others for the first time in two months. I couldn’t stand at all, and could barely sing or read the liturgy, but it was still wonderful.

For a start, Alan received a round of applause at the beginning for just managing to get to church – owing to sickness he has also been absent for two months. I could sense the love and affection they have for him, and it struck me that local churches are, in general, places where we love and we are loved.

Also, it is Anglo-Catholic and reminds me of the church where I came to faith. I love that familiarity. I love that I know the liturgy off by heart. Church has always been a place of peace and refreshment in an otherwise turbulent life… and that goes all the way back to when I was fourteen.

I managed to make it to the altar rail and Communion is such a wonderful corporate act. Kneeling together with others, remembering the death and resurrection of Christ, finding meaning in the spiritual journey together.

I know that St Michael’s is a church where sceptical people and those who question are safe. Coincidentally, the reading was about ‘Doubting Thomas’ which seemed appropriate.

Then at the end of the service, Alan announced our engagement, and there was another round of applause, and much joy. It struck me that the church is a place where we can be family – share each other’s joys and sorrows – be part of each other’s lives together.

Most of the congregation are quite elderly. I know that my love of church with liturgy and sacrament is a dying thing. People want to express spiritually in ways that are more culturally appropriate for them. However, for me, I am very grateful indeed that there are still churches that worship and ‘do church’ in the ways that I love, as well as those who are being experimental and culturally relevant.

Blogging and Personal Branding

2011-05-03T07:00:00.001+01:00

I read an article entitled ‘The Personal Blogging Phenomenum – Distinguish Yourself’ by Dr Graham Wilson, pictured above. It was very interesting, thinking about the rise in self-employment and enable people to see themselves as ‘businesses’ and hence brand themselves in the employment marketplace. To some extent this is what careers advice does – what sort of person are you? What experiences and skills do you have? How will you market yourself? This article goes a bit further, though and outlines eight ‘laws’ of personal branding. I wondered how they would feel if they were applied to blogging, so I have changed them to fit a bit. Let’s see if it works:

1. SpecialisationWhen I did a survey I wanted to compare my blog to ones that were similar, but I found that all the blogs were very specialised. Furthermore, I have been encouraged to do what I do best and not try to be another Church Mouse or Thinking Anglicans. Not that I could if I tried!

2. LeadershipI sometimes get in trouble if I sit on the fence too much on my blog. Or if I merely reference things without taking the trouble to muse on them and come to an opinion about how these things get incorporated into life and faith. I guess this is a leadership of sorts.

3. PersonalityApparently, people don’t like individuals who try to project themselves as ‘squeeky’ clean. They like people who are ‘real’. People who are able to risk being human are liked more for it. I see this as very true in the blogging world.

4. DistinctivenessThis one pleased me – “to make a strong impression, you need to express yourself in ways that are different from others in the same domain. Remember that strong impressions are BOUND to put some people off – that is, ironically, a sign that you’ve got it right!” I have been anxious about the odd flaming and the odd row here and there – only recently have I realised that it is okay.

5. VisibilityI think Facebook, Twitter and all the Blog ranking tools help get blogs known, and this is a good thing.

6. UnityThis was interesting – “While authenticity is about living your life as you want to do and not being led to do so in other ways, unity is about leading your private life in accord with your public persona.” I think it is very off putting when there is a sense that the blogger is inconsistent or projecting an image.

7. Persistence“There are no short-cuts to achieving a personal brand – those that ‘appear’ overnight are actually the products of many years of persistence.” I think this is very true for blogs – it takes a lot of typing before the blog gets off the ground!

8. Goodwill“Personal brands may bring ‘success’ to their owner, but this needs to be a by-product. True personal brands give a great deal to their domain.” I think this is true – there are zillions of blogs - people read blogs for what it can do for them. So namedropping and self-promotion is a turn off, whilst a personal blog must always be primarily for oneself, there must also be some thought for them.

I think the list works pretty well. The other thing I would say is that blogs can help us find out who we are and what we are passionate about. That can lead us to find the right jobs and pastimes, and enable us to be more careful to ‘go where the fire is’.. to do what we are passionate about.

How to be happy

2011-05-02T12:30:00.000+01:00

Toxic Love

2011-05-02T07:00:00.004+01:00

photo © 2008 Team at Carnaval.com Studios | more info (via: Wylio)

I’ve been meaning to ask you whether this is just something that has happened to me or whether others suffer from it….

About three times in my life I have been idolised. I mean this literally.

So a guy has come along and ‘fallen in love with me’, and I am to him the epitome of perfection.

I get told how amazingly, awesomely wonderful I am, beautiful, intelligent, witty, kind… the works.

And I love it.

Now I do get a sense of disquiet, because I know I’m not all these things. In fact some of them aren’t even my strengths at all. But I go with it.

And I find myself on a pedestal.

Then for the rest of the relationship it feels like I am beaten with a broom to get back on the pedestal and regain goddess status.

If I don’t wear attractive clothes then I am a disappointment, or if I complain or assert any boundaries, or if I put my own needs first.. the list goes on and on, and the guy will get very angry with me for my humanity, as if I have misled him.

To make things worse, these relationships are impossible to get out of. Because, apparently, I am the one and only perfect and wonderful woman in the entire world, and without me the bloke can’t cope or will commit suicide.

Fortunately, I have got wise in my old age. I do miss the moments of adoration, if I am honest, but I can now spot these sort of relationships a mile off and avoid them like the plague.

Has anyone else had these issues? I think subconsciously I must have attracted them in the past…

Top twenty twittering Twurch clergy for April

2011-05-01T19:48:00.001+01:00

Here are the April Twitter results, for the Twurch of England clergy, according to Klout:

Klout Name	Klout Grade	True Reach	Ampli-fication	Net-work	Klout Twit ID
1. maggi dawn	63	744	46	70	maggidawn
2. Nicky Gumbel	62	1000	42	67	_nickygumbel
3. John Sentamu	59	4000	37	66	johnsentamu
4. Fr Paul Butler	58	294	41	68	redrector
5. Peter Ould	53	454	27	61	peterould
6. Pam Smith	52	194	33	58	revpamsmith
7. Craig Roters	52	180	33	62	clroters
8. Changing Worship	51	301	34	61	changingworship
9. Kneewax	51	213	24	56	kneewax
10. Lesley Fellows	50	314	30	57	revdlesley
11. David Cloake	50	257	25	55	frdavidcloake
12. Alastair McCollum	49	385	22	53	revdal
13. Phil Ritchie 14. cris rogers	49 49	267 229	29 30	58 57	philritchie rabbirogers
15. Graham Tomlin	47	363	26	56	gtomlin
16. Jean Rolt	47	300	25	54	revjean1
17. Nick Baines	45	653	21	50	nickbaines
18. Doug Chaplin	45	82	28	56	dougchaplin
19. James Ogley	44	209	15	10	riggwelter
20. Peter Organ	44	102	20	45	rev_org
21. Bishop Alan Wilson	43	2000	21	54	alantlwilson

The risers this month are Nicky Gumbel, going up two places to take the number 2 slot, rabbirogers, rising 5 places to number 13 and dougchaplin who wasn’t in the top 20 last month and this month is at number 17. So well done - please tell us how you managed it.

If you want to know how Klout measures these things, click here.

Some happy, happy, very very happy news!!

2011-05-01T13:00:00.000+01:00

This nutter has asked me to marry him, and I said 'yes'...

Can't tell you how happy I am about it!

He asked me a few weeks ago, but there were some people we wanted to tell face to face, rather than find out via the blog.. unfortunately the dreaded lurgy rather stopped us seeing anyone!

Anyway - we announced it at Alan's church today, and it is so lovely to be bearers of good news, they gave us a round of applause and some cheering and hand shaking...

Have to lie down now!

We will marry on the 25th June. A very small wedding seeing as we are both still really poorly.

Been dying to tell you.. I have been so incredibly happy since he asked me!

Saying 'Thank-you' to your ex

2011-05-01T07:00:00.000+01:00

photo © 2010 woodleywonderworks | more info (via: Wylio)

Two-and-a-half years ago I stared into the dark abyss of marriage break-up and realised that it was a journey that I was going to make. I'm not sure I can remember a more terrifying time... ok, I can, but it definitely ranks up there with the scariest experiences.

In fact I refuse to watch any scary programs or go on any scary rides any more. I've overloaded on fear, no need to spice things up with artificial terror!

Over those years, I have been aware that memory is a seriously wacky thing. When my husband and I split up, I literally couldn't remember one single happy moment in the 24 years of our relationship. I considered this to be an aberration, and tried hard to remember, but couldn't.

I think my sub-conscious had taken over and knew that the relationship had been harmful, and just wanted out.

Then when the divorce was underway the odd happy memory would float back, and I would have a moment of crippling guilt, wondering whether I had been too hasty, and then, immediately, a series of dark, dark memories would crash in.

Again, I think my subconscious was protecting me.

Now, I seem to have become peaceful about it all. I can remember the good times and the bad, without feeling bad... We made lots of bad, bad mistakes. We were young and broken. It is understandable and forgivable... The future is ours to do with what we will.

I read an article that expressed some of these feelings for me:

Recently, I sat down in a lawyer's office on 95th Street and Central Park West to sign five copies of an agreement that would formally separate me from my seventeen year marriage. Several days later, at a dinner with our 12 and 15 year-old daughters to mark my 47th birthday, I seized on a private moment to hand my ex an envelope. Folded within it lay a list, on which I'd written by hand in its left-hand corner: "Because now I can..."

Thank you, Alex*.
Thank you for saying hello to me on the F train.
Thank you for our first date at the abandoned subway yard in Bayonne.
Thank you for "L.A. Law" and sushi in bed.
Thank you for skiing with me.
Thank you for flying up to Burlington in a hurry.
Thank you for paying my portion of the rent while I was in j-school.
Thank you for marrying me.

And so it goes on...

Wondering whether I can write a 'Thank-you note' now... I think I will.... not publishable, of course..

Is there anyone you would like to send a 'Thank-you' to?

Random, slightly delirious mumblings

2011-04-30T21:00:00.000+01:00

Well I had a brilliant week.

I managed to do some housework for the first time in seven weeks - just things like pairing socks and sorting laundry, but I am pathetically grateful for the ability to do it.

My wonderful cleaners came on Tuesday, for the first time in two months, and the house now looks sparkly clean... which is exactly how I like it. I have been accused of being OTT about this sort of thing. It is a running joke between my ex-husband and myself now. He said he could tell I was unwell because my house looked like his, but tidier. In fact he cleaned my house for me a month ago because he knows how important it is to me... I reckon he is the best ex-husband a girl could get! He made light of it saying it was a small penance for messing our marital home up for eighteen years.

Anyway, back to the plot.. I am getting better, and I now know that I get better very slowly if I pace myself and listen to my body, however if I push myself I go backwards. This is hopefully a lesson I will learn for good. I have tended to be a bit soar, crash and burn for the last 40 years!

But the weird thing is, I am finding myself disengaging... I feel like life is unreal. A bit of a blur. I've hardly seen anyone except close family for seven weeks, and when I do it is amazingly tiring, so it will be a while before I'll want to start meeting up with people. I guess this is normal...

I'm going to try to attend my boyfriend's church in the morning, if I feel up to it. I'll just stay seated at the back, and see how that goes... or perhaps get there late and do the last half of the service. Ever since I was fourteen I've been a regular churchgoer.... and Communion has been exceptionally important to me, so it would be nice to get to a service.

End of random musings. Sorry about the offload!!

What would happen to communicating the Gospel if....

2011-04-30T12:30:00.006+01:00

This video was posted in the comments of yesterday morning's 'Internet Ministries' post. It has some amazing statistics. It has got me thinking, what if:

every paid minister was told to spend 50% of his or her time on social networking sites rather than in the parish?

every church met in real life only every other week and met online in between.?

every Christian was encouraged to think about being authentic online?

every sermon was put on YouTube?

every church had an interesting and lively Facebook page?

What would happen to communicating the Gospel?

I was sent this link to what sounds like an interesting conference.

The pain and loss of changing belief

2011-04-30T07:00:00.004+01:00

Do you ever have those moments when you read something and suddenly, unexpectedly, it feels like someone has turned a knife in your stomach?

I had that experience when reading a blog post by Rachel Held Evans on 'Changing faith and changing relationships: Some things I learned the hard way'. Rachel has moved from being a very conservative Christian, to one who is more liberal and open about her doubts and questions.

I have made a similar journey to her, although I didn't grow up in a Christian community, but I feel the pain of broken friendships.

When I stopped being evangelical I lost friends, I lost a community, I lost peace of mind, I lost direction, I lost the validation that all that brings.

Shepchick published a very moving 'Ask Surly Amy' question, that I think expresses all this so well. It reads:

Dear Surly Amy,

I’m pretty active in the skeptic community, and I used to blog about my atheism. I’m a 21-year-old gay atheist, formerly a Southern Baptist being groomed for the ministry.

I’m also really depressed.

Depression medications haven’t helped. Talk therapy gets me nowhere. I’m not suicidal or in danger of becoming a shut-in, but I just can’t seem to find enough reason to truly be happy with where I am in life.

The thing is, when I went to church, I was almost never blue. I had a huge, supportive church family that loved me and cared for me. After I lost the faith and left the church, losing that family has really been the number one thing holding back my happiness.

Is there something skepticism/atheism can offer to fill this gap? The drinking skeptically group near me just doesn’t have that family feel. What am I missing? I know I’m not the only de-convert who has this problem.

~Sad Panda

It takes guts to leave communities who network around certain beliefs. The fear of loosing that family, that support, means it is easier to hang in there rather than be honest if your beliefs change.

I suppose I feel that the conservative friends that I lost weren't really friends at all.. they weren't people who would love me enough to listen and understand. They weren't people who would trust me enough to know my own mind.

It still hurts, though.

I think the thing that hurts most is the shadow cast by the feelings of being misunderstood and especially the feelings of being judged.

I am lucky to have found new friends and loving communities. I hope Sad Panda finds the same, I'm guessing this is a common experience.

The Archbishop of York on the Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

Internet Ministries?

2011-04-29T07:00:00.000+01:00

The funny thing about blogging is that lots of Vicars do it but it is hard to justify, and it becomes a guilty pleasure. As far as I can see, we do the same things online as we do in real life… we write stuff and then communicate it publicly and then debate it. In addition, I get a fair few emails that are of a pastoral nature and I enjoy chatting to people off line about deeper things. I also get the odd request to help with academic stuff, believe it or not…

Defining what being a ministry is, or what lay and ordained ministers do is quite a challenge, and anyway no one wants to feel ministered to – that is insulting. But my point is that sometimes what I do as a priest in real life and online are very similar – strikingly so for me.

It occurs to me that increasing amounts of peoples lives exist in cyberspace, and less in the parishes, especially amongst the younger people, including their spiritual searches. There are various bloggers around the world that feel comfortable doing their spiritual thing online, but the time to do it is pressurised. Speaking as a priest in the Church of England, I recognise that I must fulfil a number of hours in my parish, and the blogging is almost entirely in the late evening, when the kids are in bed and the meetings or whatever are over.

I got ridiculously excited a while back, when I read the title of a post by David Housholder - ‘Bi-vocational Pastors’ – I leapt to the conclusion that some far-sighted churches were paying their minister to do part time internet ministry and part time real life ministry. The post didn't say that at all! Hmmmm, shows I wish it were so!

David Housholder wrote a post that I did read correctly about how churches are going ‘open source’, I recommend clicking through and reading what he says. Part of the post states:

All of your members have access to free Bible teaching and sermons from all over the world. It used to be that you, as a local pastor, had a monopoly on reaching and teaching them. Our church, Robinwood, reaches 100 times more people on its podcast than in person on Sunday mornings.

In a similar vein, I listened to the Podcast of Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, who said she and her husband and kids moved to Costa Rica to do missionary work, and her husband and kids have thrived, but she failed at all she turned her hand to. Except blogging. She has an exceptionally large number of people who follow her blog and form a community around it. Not Christians particularly… but for her it is the bulk of her ministry in Costa Rica, very different to what she expected!

I’m wondering whether we need to discuss this as churches. The Church of England has founded i-Church, which was set up as a ‘Cutting Edge Ministry’ in the Oxford Diocese some years ago. I don’t know how it is financed, and maybe one full time ordained minister is sufficient to meet the needs of the cyberspace mission field. But I feel doubtful about that.

What do you think – would the churches thinking about cyberspace ministry more deeply kill it off or enliven it?

Michigan says ‘no’ to the Anglican Covenant

2011-04-28T15:12:00.000+01:00

General Convention Deputation
Diocese of Michigan

The Deputies and Alternates to the 77^th General Convention met on March 10 to consider the Anglican Covenant and the accompanying Study Guide. Our response to the proposed Covenant comes in seven parts:

Our first response to the Anglican Covenant is to affirm fellowship and communion.

Such unity as these words imply is our highest good and perhaps our greatest blessing. We uphold, stand for, honor and thank God for communion.

Our second response is to ask how we can newly enter into a relationship in which we already stand and have been enjoying for some time. Just as one would not ask people long married to enter into a newly-written contract of marriage, nor ask members of a family suddenly to enter into a contract of kinship, neither can we understand why or how we could suddenly attempt to do so among our sister and brother Anglicans around the world. We believe the effort is redundant, and indeed, perhaps even dishonors the reality in which we live.

Our third response is to question the appropriateness of “Covenant” as a model for ecclesial relations. To quote from materials prepared by the Standing Commission on Liturgy and Music, “’Covenant” implies a superior who offers the covenant and a subordinate who accepts it. So God extends the covenant to Israel and Israel is bound to the terms of God's covenant. As applied to the relationship between God and Israel and between Christ and the Church this implication is foundational.” Because “Covenant” implies a hierarchical relationship, the term is inappropriate when used to describe the network of relationships between co-equal and autonomous national churches.

Our fourth response is to suggest that the Covenant document creates an international bureaucratic superstructure whose existence is at odds with the longstanding autonomy of national churches. To give juridical, disciplinary authority to super-national bodies contradicts the foundational impulses that led to the establishment of the Church of England in the sixteenth century. We believe that the Constitution of the Anglican Consultative Council already serves as a warrant for fellowship, communion, and ministry between the churches of the Anglican Communion.

Our fifth response is to affirm the vocation of the Episcopal Church in the full inclusion of all its members in all orders of ministry and the full access of all its members to its sacramental rites. Since 1979, the Episcopal Church’s baptismal covenant has included a promise to, among other things, “respect the dignity of every human being.”

Our sixth response is to express our fervent hope that the Anglican Covenant process may be an occasion to refocus our national and international energies on mission and ministry. The challenges facing us together and severally are profound. We believe that energy expended on the disciplinary processes outlined in section four would be better spent in proactive ministry to the poor, the oppressed, and those who have yet to hear the Gospel.

Our seventh and final response is to reaffirm that we are in relationship already with one another, quite apart from signing or not signing a document. Are we not the Body of Christ, and individually members of it? As the eye cannot say to the ear, "I have no need of you", nor the hand to the foot, neither can we deny what is our heritage, reality, hope, and destiny. The Covenant that binds us together is the mutuality of our ministry and accountability conferred in Baptism. The Baptismal Covenant that binds us together is no imperfect human creation. The Baptismal Covenant by which we are bound one to another is the one, perfect, eternal covenant given us by God in Christ. On that covenant we delight to stand; in that communion, second to none, we are proud to serve.

For these and other reasons, we recommend against adoption of the Anglican Covenant by the Episcopal Church.

Great sex advice for men and women!

2011-04-28T12:30:00.001+01:00

The Royal Wedding and Personality Cults

2011-04-28T07:00:00.001+01:00

I haven’t been out much lately, but I am beginning to suspect that the people of country of Great Britain are split in two: Those who are excited about the Royal Wedding and those who are confused about why people are excited about the Royal wedding.

I fall very comfortably into the second category. I get the same feelings of being utterly perplexed by the Royal Wedding that I get when speaking to train spotters. I seriously don’t get it.

Not that I’m not pleased for them, as I am for any about-to-be-wed couple.

But more than that, I don’t get why people obsess about Posh and Becks or Katie Price, or all these other characters. It just seems weird to me.

So… I have done a bit of digging around, and found that there are good evolutionary reasons for it:

Evolutionary biologists say it is natural for humans to look up to individuals who receive attention because they have succeeded in a society.

In prehistoric times, this would have meant respecting good hunters and elders.

But as hunting is not now an essential skill and longevity is more widely achievable, these qualities are no longer revered.

Instead, we look to celebrities, whose fame and fortune we want to emulate.

Which kind of makes sense to me. It is amazing how much we learn from watching other people. I am often struck by it when I peel vegetables – the way I can feel myself emulating my mum. I even choose to have a knife that looks identical to her vegetable knife.

So I’m wondering whether I don’t care about the Royal Wedding because I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to be famous. I don't want to be Kate Middleton.

I also wonder whether I have no interest in the Royal Wedding because I dislike patriotism. As a child I was bullied for being the wrong nationality, and I just see patriotism as tribalism. An unpleasant human trait, and outmoded in our global internet societies.

The third thing I wondered was whether liberals dislike royalty more than conservatives. After all, liberals are solely interested in compassion and justice, but conservatives are also interested in order, which the class system and the monarchy represent.

So over to you – are you in the ‘I don’t care’ camp, or the ‘I’m thrilled’ camp?

Lesley's Blog

This Blog has moved...

Please help me

Mr Catolick talks about Appointing Bishops

Bishops are not the Focus for Unity

Recovering from Abuse - The problem of memory

Girlie Strop

Wednesday Web Round-up

Go Texas - speak out for justice.

Recovering from abuse – losing the myth

Recovering from abuse – confessing

Kids and a dying Grandad

Recovering from abuse – Remembering

Really looking forwards to getting back to work

Bizarre telephone calls

I really enjoyed the rapture

Ireland 'subscribes' to the Anglican Covenant

From the 'Lesley is a soppy git' range:

The Anglican Covenant saves the World

Parish Profile for Upper Wallop, Lower Wallop & Cod’s Wallop

On being a Wounded Healer

Episcopal Girl

Bishop John is spot on with Schools Policy

Quincy says 'No' to the Anglican Covenant

An exercise in self justification?

Wednesday Web Round-up

South East Asia 'Accede' the Covenant

Selection for Ordination of Divorced Candidates

Mr Catolick and the House of Love

First Australian Diocese adopts the Anglican Covenant

The church, forgiveness and divorce

Ooops

Organising a Wedding

Blogging is cheaper than therapy

Overdone things

Ultimate Dog Tease

The Simpsons – America’s most dysfunctional family

Trust, Intimacy and Blogging

Wednesday Web Round-up

Learning from Art

Art as therapy

I'm so excited...

Why do people sit at the back in church?

So that is why praying for parking spaces works!

Lady Di was one of my heroes

More Flying Bishops–another thing I don’t understand

Lesley in Wonderland

Bin Laden and other things I don’t understand.

On Being a Christian who is a Scientist

UK Top Female Christian Bloggers – Wikio for May(=Apr)

Top Ten Posts in April

Parenting is SCARY!

Wednesday Web Round-up

Oh Lesley is a soppy git

I’m still in love with church

Blogging and Personal Branding

How to be happy

Toxic Love

Top twenty twittering Twurch clergy for April

Some happy, happy, very very happy news!!

Saying 'Thank-you' to your ex

Random, slightly delirious mumblings

What would happen to communicating the Gospel if....

The pain and loss of changing belief

The Archbishop of York on the Royal Wedding

Internet Ministries?

Michigan says ‘no’ to the Anglican Covenant

Great sex advice for men and women!

The Royal Wedding and Personality Cults