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Please help me

photo © 2008 Ricardo Bernardo | more info (via: Wylio)


I got fed up of people not being able to comment on my blog, so I have moved to WordPress - the new blog is here.

I guess I'll get used to it, but at the moment it all seems very difficult and ugly.... Can you go across and check out whether you can comment?

Thanks!

Mr Catolick talks about Appointing Bishops

(For the story see Andrew Brown)

Bishops are not the Focus for Unity

photo © 2007 Southbanksteve | more info (via: Wylio)


I am absolutely furious this morning with Rowan Williams and with the Church of England. I don't trust myself right now to write anything about the power abuses and the blatant injustices within the organisation I work for. (Read Andrew Brown). So I just want to concentrate on the phrase about bishops being the "focus for unity"

Apparently a Bishop can only be appointed if they can be a “focus of unity” in the diocese. But how many objectors does it take to stop a bishop? And who decides? Are there any priests who could carry the whole of a diocese with them before appointment? And suppose a bishop loses the support of his diocese – should he then resign? (I can’t possibly imagine Rowan thinks that for one moment, not at present!)

“Focus for unity” may appear to be a reasonable phrase, but in fact it is meaningless; it allows the blocking of anyone as a bishop because someone doesn’t like the look of them, with no definition of who is and isn’t acceptable. All rather like the Anglican Covenant, the offence is in upsetting someone else, not in any objective and predefined behaviour.

Given that “offence” is the basis of the blocking, then perhaps we will see no more Conservative Evangelical or Anglo Catholic bishops. We can certainly be assured that if the Women Bishops legislation gets through General Synod then it will be utterly useless - because surely there will be one parish in each diocese who would claim that a woman would not be a "focus for unity".

Or perhaps we can be sensible and decide that “focus of unity” is not a job description for the bishop, but for the diocese; that it is incumbent upon all of us in a diocese to gather round and support our bishops, which doesn’t mean unthinking obedience, whether we agree with them or not.

Of all the rotten excuses for discrimination that I have heard this is by far the worst. It guarantees the status quo and the grounds for discriminating is "someone doesn't like your face".

Jesus is our "focus for unity", not the bishops! No wonder we are suffering power abuses if the Bishops have decided to put themselves in the place of God.

Recovering from Abuse - The problem of memory

photo © 2008 Sarah Le Clerc | more info (via: Wylio)

When I was a kid, between the ages of 7 and 10, I lived at 6642 Kirkley Ave, McLean, Virginia. My road was low lying, running parallel to a creek that ran along the bottom of our yard. The main road also ran parallel to my road and it was elevated compared to us. Three roads ran perpendicular to my road joining us to the main road and I cycled down them, scaring myself. They were breathtakingly steep, perhaps 1 in 5, it was exhilarating.

This is my memory of my house. Is it true? Absolutely, I would think. I would swear to it and get very indignant if anyone contradicted me. But then I went to visit the house when I was older, and I was shocked to find that the slopes that I so bravely cycled down were pathetically tame.

I guess we all have this experience. The things we remember as children turn out to be smaller, milder, tamer when we see them through the eyes of an adult. We come to doubt our childhood memories.

So what do we do with half remembered fragments of ‘something’ that points towards abuse? Well we doubt them. But they call to us – nag us...

I was asked how to recover memories of abuse in the comments of a post entitled ‘Recovering from Abuse – Remembering’, the commenter says:

Years ago I had a couple of panic reactions to situations which caused me to suspect that I had been abused. Since then some bits of memories have come back to me that would back that up and something else said by a family member also points to that conclusion. I just feel it's all so vague and sometimes I feel inconclusive. I know I'll probably never remember every detail and that probably wouldn't be helpful anyway but I feel like as you say it's a jigsaw with missing pieces. I just wish I could find enough pieces to give me an idea of the overall picture so that I could deal with it.

If remembering is the first step towards healing how can I make that step? Just now I swing between trusting that God will reveal things to me when the time is right and feeling like I have to know now in order to move on.

I remember this very well. For me it was agonising – having tiny shards of memory – like, for instance - a hand over my mouth that also blocked my nostrils so I was wildly trying to breathe, my heels pedalling wildly, digging into my mattress to get some purchase so I might get away. With the shard of memory was the emotion associated with it – sheer terror.

What do you do with that? For me, I had to know. I am lucky enough to have had two Spiritual Directors who have helped me, one after the other – they took pity on me in my agony and sacrificially decided to accompany me in the pursuit of finding out the truth.

They were both very aware of the accusations of False Memory Syndrome that had been a feature of child abuse cases in the States in the 1990s. So they were cautious, but still wanted to help me.

The first helped me using prayer. We would settle into a very deep silent prayerful state and then she would ask me if Jesus was there. It was a sort-of Ignatian prayer, which is the type of prayer I do at the end of the day – walking alongside Jesus through the memories of my day – through the highs and lows, coming to peace with it all.

So I had many sessions when we prayed and I walked alongside Jesus through the memories. I could remember more than I thought – I believe the memories were blocked by stress and tension – and as I was with someone I trusted, in a relaxed state of prayer, hanging out with Jesus, it was easier to remember. In particular, it helped me remember the splitting, the way I willed myself to be outside the room, and I actually achieved it psychologically – I was free, the other side of the window and in the night sky, completely unaware of what was happening in the room.

I thought it was all behind me, and it was for a while, but then another shard or two of terrifying memory appeared that I couldn't make sense of...

So the second Spiritual Director did something similar to the first – she used a technique to help me relax, and then in a relaxed state I could enter through a door, and the door led me into whichever memory I wanted to go to. I probably could have remembered more if I had allowed myself to keep going back, but it was too frightening, and eventually I understood enough to draw a line under it all.

Do I trust the memories? Not every one of them entirely. However, almost everything I have written about my childhood home above did turn out to be accurate. I believe my memories are broadly true because

- there are some vivid bits,
- they completely explain the wacky phobias I have,
- I was a very psychologically poorly child indeed and my symptoms are in line with what happens to children who suffer sexual abuse,
- I can remember the re-abuse, and I was very knowing indeed, I had clearly done it before,
- the behaviour of my abuser towards me as a child and as an adult is in line with him having abused me.

It wouldn’t stand up in a court of law, it doesn’t have to – but the recovery of enough shards of memory was a way of me getting the healing I needed.

I think I am lucky in many ways - lucky that some of the shards of memory returned, lucky that I had the opportunity to take the recovery in two bites - first the re-abuse and then the first abuse, lucky that I had such wonderful spiritual directors, lucky that I am a Christian and have had a sense of God's love and sense of being held.

Not everyone gets the help that I have been given. I wish they did.

Girlie Strop

photo © 2006 Rebecca Searle | more info (via: Wylio)

I'm having a girlie strop. The doctor said 'no' to me going back to work. And she is right. But I am not interested in the reality of the situation, nor am I interested in being reasonable or rational

I 

want

my 

life

back!

Being unwell was ok for a while, and I know I tend to overdo stuff and push myself too hard, and boy am I thankful because it has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities and also stop worrying about stuff that I had no business worrying about.

But seriously...

I've been off sick since 8th March...

I can't even blinking well stand up in a service, never mind lead one...

Aaargh.

Okay - strop over. My apologies... normal service will resume soon!

Wednesday Web Round-up

Sorry this is late today - no excuses really other than I'm not feeling very well. Went to the Doctor and she said 'No' to me going back to work...

So anyway - here is the roundup.

Four excellent posts on abuse - We mixed our Drinks and Nightmares and Boners respond to Nadine Dorries,  Andrew Brown does an excellent job of analysing the report on Catholic Priests and abuse and A New Name thinks about abuse in more general terms and caused me to finally write a series of posts on abuse.

The two posts I enjoyed most on the rapture were Maggi Dawn's informative piece and MadPriest's heartful thank-you, which I echo too - the rapture was a wonderful thing.

Dreaming beneath the spires writes some important thoughts about relationships. Beyondexgay has a lovely testimony - thanks to Eruptions at the foot of the Volcano for that one. Only dads has some parenting collywobbles - I know the feeling! Psychcentral has some interesting things about male depression that I didn't know - definitely worth a read. Jamie the Very Worst Missionary writes about where we find our self-worth.

nakedpastor has been both brilliant and harsh lately. Two posts that I really liked were Theologically assisted suicide and goats go to hell.

The only funny one I'm posting in this round up is from MadPriest - tiger escaped from toyrus recaptured by police.

So there you have it - hope you enjoy them, and thanks to all these people for taking the time to write these posts.

Go Texas - speak out for justice.

This video made me cry.... it is about people speaking out in support of their gay brothers and lesbian sisters.

Recovering from abuse – losing the myth

photo © 2006 D. Sharon Pruitt | more info (via: Wylio)

This post follows on from:

Recovering from abuse – remembering and

Recovering from abuse – confessing

I guess my method of healing has been to read a lot of books – seems like I am an academic at heart!

One of the most helpful snippets that I read (which irritatingly I don’t know where it came from now) was this (approximately):

“Most survivors of abuse initially tell me, in glowing terms, what a wonderful and perfect family they came from, and how unselfish their parents were. This claim becomes increasingly incredible as we begin to explore their family background and the survivor relates incidences of obvious and in some cases extreme neglect or abuse without seeming to recognise them as such”.

I read the words above and I thought, ‘Oh yes – you may say that and I can see how it would relate to others, but not to me’. However, I then read Allender,

who describes the ways that the future victim’s upbringing may be difficult (p93). To summarise them, they are:

• The child may be only respected as a parentified child – performing duties and having responsibilities that should be taken by the parents, but the parents may either be absent or unable to perform the roles themselves.
• The child may be denied privacy, and the home may be boundary-less in terms of separation of the inner and outer worlds – the child may not be allowed to have private thoughts or dress and undress in privacy.
• The child may be told that their feelings are wrong, crazy or non-existent. When they say they are afraid they are told not to be ridiculous, or when they say they don’t like something they are told that they are wrong. So the child loses trust in their own feelings and judgement.
• The atmosphere in the home is demanding, rule-bound and conservative.
• The highest family value is loyalty.

As I read the bullet points above I was astounded. Not every one was true, but nearly all of them. I felt a bit freaked out – spooked that perhaps Allender had secretly observed me and written the book to deliberately unnerve me.

I put the book down. That was ridiculous. Talk about thinking I was the centre of the universe! But if my ridiculous notion wasn’t true then I had to face the possibility that my family background predisposed me to be abused…. the place where I was meant to be loved and nurtured actually wasn’t very loving or nurturing. Tentatively, I read a bit more:

The scene is set for abuse. The child is empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child.

I think I wept at that point because it exactly  described me as a child. Every word was true, I lived and breathed a deep hunger to be loved and accepted and acceptable all the way through childhood.

So I asked my spiritual director to help me and we worked on all the events of my childhood. It was really helpful to get an outside perspective. I guess all of us just think our experiences of childhood are normal.. what else have we to compare them to?

I struggled quite a lot, initially to admit that things had been less than perfect, and then I found myself very angry with my parents. They weren’t abusive, just unable to communicate love effectively, and influenced by their own parenting... I guess I now think that they did the best they could, given their own very difficult childhoods. These cycles of neglect and abuse go on from generation to generation. But I was determined that it would stop with me.

The good news in all this is that most parents worry unnecessarily about their child being abused. Yes we are all crap parents at times - unfair or inattentive or selfish... but the children who get abused almost invariably come from homes where their emotional needs are utterly unmet. They are unsure of themselves, craving love, desperate to please and unthinkingly obedient. I don't think this description fits the children of the parents who fret so much about their kids being abused.

Hope you aren't getting bored with this series - if you are let me know!

Recovering from abuse – confessing

So this post follows on from yesterday’s post “Recovering from abuse – Remembering”

I first told an adult that I had been 'abused' during a formal confession to a priest, prior to being Confirmed. I didn't consider it to be abuse - I confessed it as consensual sex, even though I had been so young. I went to a High Anglo-Catholic church and we were told that if we had any 'Technicolor sins’ we needed to go to formal confession. Boy did I have some Technicolor sins.

Kneeling beside the priest I confessed... it was agonising to spit out the words. The liturgy was set, but he seemed to stray from it for a second. Four extra words were added:

‘It wasn’t your fault’.

‘How ridiculous, I thought. This man knows nothing about sin, and he’s a priest!' I was a precocious thirteen year old!’

Fifteen years later I was reading a book by Dan Allender called ‘The Wounded Heart’. It is subtitled ‘Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse’:

Now it is interesting that I was reading this book… because I hadn’t been abused.. no no no… other people had been abused. Me? Oh I’d just had sex when I was young – but I had consented to it… I was completely responsible. Completely in control. It was my fault entirely, and I had done it because I was bad and evil beyond any other human being that had ever lived. (With the possible exception of Genghis Khan)

The first chapter of the book was like dropping a nuclear bomb on the landscape of my worldview, it had such a cataclysmic impact on me – the chapter is entitled “The reality of a war – facing the battle”. It is only now that I understand the title of the chapter – the war would be bloody but it was a reality and the battles needed to be faced.

Apparently, I read, adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse deny that they have been abused… so the book told me...  'Mmmm', I thought, shifting uneasily. They deny it because they suspect their memories – Check. They deny it because it is sexual so did they invite it or enjoy it? – Check. They deny it because whatever they do, they don’t want to explore it any further. Check.

And, of course, the greatest reason of all for me to deny it was that it gave me control. When I was small something happened that was terrifying, repeatedly. If I told myself it was because I was bad then I could control it – I was being punished for being bad... so all I had to do was become better, quieter, more obedient, then it would stop. The possibility that this event would happen over and over and there was nothing I could do about it would have crushed me.

Falteringly, I read the first chapter and then went backwards and forwards over the definitions of sexual abuse, examining each word, trying to find wriggle room, or the loop hope that would enable me to deny that I had been abused. Perhaps I went over the chapter for an hour. I had the workbook that went with the book, and eventually managed to wring out some feint letters that spelled the words ‘I have been abused’.

That was the beginning of the hardest journey I have made so far.

PS I liked Chris Rea as a teenager – can you tell?

Kids and a dying Grandad

Okay so my mum called yesterday to say that the nice lady curate had just been to see my dad and was shocked and horrified (not the poker-faced type of curate then!). Furthermore, the curate had said that she was on a placement for two months and didn't expect dad to still be alive when she returned (tell it as it is type of curate - I like her!).

So I mused that perhaps I should try and see him sooner rather than later and my mum replied that he sleeps 23 hours a day so she isn't sure what the point is, but if I do come and see him do not bring the kids because he is ghastly looking and dreadfully gaunt.

At this point I decided I definitely need to see my dad soon - and I will go on Saturday - Alan and I will do the driving between us, but seeing as we are pathetically poorly we'll stop at every coffee shop and cafe on the way - which suits me - I love stopping at these establishments!

I don't know what to say to my kids though. I feel quite relieved mum has told me not to bring them, although I wonder whether this is a cop out.

Have you lot experienced this? Do you have any advice???

Recovering from abuse – Remembering

There has been a lot of talk in the news recently about childhood sexual abuse. There was the Catholic report saying that the permissive society had an impact on priests and their inclination to abuse children (mmm) and also Nadine Dorries (Nutter Tory MP) showed a staggering insensitivity suggesting that “abstinence sex education” would help girls to stop being abused. Sigh.

I’ve been wanting to write a series of posts about childhood sexual abuse in order to highlight some paths towards healing that might be useful if anyone has been abused, or just because it is interesting how the human psyche works and how we can recover from stuff. Also, I think it would be better if society did talk about these things honestly.

It is a big subject though, and a difficult one, and I don’t want to depress anyone… so I am cautious about writing about it.... Tell me your thoughts. This post is about 'remembering'.

The first step to recovery is to remember the abuse, which seems a bit odd that it is forgotten in the first place, but the problem is twofold. The first is that in some cases the trauma is so scary that a child will engage in ‘splitting’.. ie when the abuse is happening s/he is prevented from running away physically so does so mentally, so that in terms of memory s/he wasn’t there. The second is that the child’s subconscious considers that the memory is too unpleasant and prevents access to it... for years. The child may well need to relate to their abuser in a family context and I guess it is good for survival that the psyche decides to prevent the memory returning until later in life.

These two things do not, however, prevent the child from experiencing extreme psychoses during childhood – depression, suicidal feelings, phobias, compulsive masturbation, insomnia, night terrors, low self-esteem.. the list goes on and on. The child experiences these things and knows they are 'different' but either doesn’t link the psychoses to the abuse or doesn’t remember the abuse. Hence, they think they are bad, or mad, or both.

In my own case there were two bouts of abuse – one earlier (aged 4-6) and another later (aged 7-10). They were quite different. The first was violent and I only remembered it recently. The second was coercive and I think my abuser, like many, was opportunistic – they groom many children and a few children say ‘yes’ – especially if they have been abused before. Re-abuse is incredibly common.

I remembered the later abuse (aged 7-10) first, which is quite usual. In fact it came flooding back to me in a Biology lesson when we were learning about human reproduction. Weirdly, in an instant, I could remember the four encounters and every word the two of us had said verbatim, as well as what happened.

Most of my recovery in subsequent years was based on these memories, but they didn’t answer many questions. The most obvious of which was that I sort of knew I wasn’t a virgin on the first occasion that I could remember, but also my phobias were odd and I couldn’t make sense of them.

Then a couple of years ago shards of earlier memories returned. It just started with a memory of a dread that my bedroom door would open. More and more little fragments of memory returned and explained so many things – the way I couldn't sleep unless someone was between me and the door; the way I would be literally paralysed with fear if I heard footsteps on the landing (even when I knew the footsteps were those of my sweet baby boy padding to go to the loo.. or worse coming to see me in the night).

The reinstated memories were helpful in explaining things. But they didn’t eliminate the phobias. For instance, I have a phobia of mold that causes an instant gag reflex, often followed by vomiting, and whilst I now understand why, that doesn’t stop the phobia. I should probably sort some of my phobias out but it just feels easier to avoid the triggers rather than face the trauma of recovery.

Someone once asked me whether it was better before I remembered. I think I had told her that the earlier memories revealed sadistic cruelty and made my stomach turn whenever I considered them. My reply was that unless we remember we can’t begin to recover.

Time helps too – when the memories first returned they dominated my life (both times) – I couldn’t stop my mind returning to them.. a bit like running your tongue over a sharp piece of tooth… But with time my mind didn’t return so frequently, and now hardly at all.

The other thing that was disturbing with the sadistic abuse is I felt like I had some pieces of a jigsaw, but not all of it, and I endlessly tried to work out what happened, how old I was, who the perpetrator was, and so on. Whilst I still have only shards of memories, I have enough to piece it together well enough to answer these things and I’ve accepted that the rest of the memories are lost – partly because I did so much ‘splitting’.

I hope this is helpful to others in understanding, I'll try to write about the journey from remembering to healing. I would say that if you are alongside someone who is ‘remembering’ then be encouraged that it is the beginning of healing, painful though it is. (And when I say painful I mean some words that are not usually acceptable in decent company!)

PS the song I have posted at the top was my favourite as a teen when I was dealing with some of this - it expressed my regret that I hadn't been 'Wired to the Moon'.

Really looking forwards to getting back to work

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, and I have a little flurry of excitement whenever I think about it, because she will hopefully sign me back onto light duties at work fairly soon.

They have changed things now so you can be signed back onto light duties, and start back perhaps an hour a day and build up.

I don’t know exactly why I am so excited.. I suppose it is partly that I feel in limbo, being “off sick”, and also I am missing people, and missing the job that I do. Plus I just feel out of touch.

I keep having these flights of fancy though, when I imagine going back to work I see myself as fully fit, whizzing round visiting people, or taking services, or leading an alpha group… the reality of what I will be signed back to is going to be somewhat different.

I have put together a programme to return to work that starts with me attacking my email mountain, and short easy visits, and staff meetings… that is pretty much it.

I had a go at driving on Wednesday (the previous effort was very scary), and I think I can do twenty minutes, so that will get me around the benefice, maybe… I am wondering whether the Doctor will say it is irresponsible to drive at the moment.

I’ve finally worked out a good explanation of how I am feeling. It is a bit like when I was a student and we worked all night to complete a project, and then the next day I didn’t go to bed…. I feel like that – a sort of fugginess… and some things I can do quite well, albeit slowly, but other things are completely beyond me.

And then, when I overdo it, it feels like sunstroke. Suddenly I am very hot all over, and I have a terrible headache, and I have to go to bed and sleep it off. This happened on Friday. I had been trying to do one thing a day all week. And some of the activities had been strenuous – we went to see the priest who will marry us on the Monday, and I went to see a dressmaker on the Wednesday….. Then Alan and I managed to have a… err… misunderstanding on the Friday… which flipped me into the ‘sunstroke’ mode. I didn’t feel better until later on the Saturday.

I think what I am trying to say to myself is that I am no where near better and just because I am signed back on doesn’t mean I can act like I am well.. otherwise I think it will be revenge of the Glandular Fever!

(But I am really, really, really looking forwards to work!)

Bizarre telephone calls

photo © 2010 Frédéric BISSON | more info (via: Wylio)

I reckon I get a greater number of bizarre telephone calls since being ordained.

I quite enjoy them if I am honest.

Once, I was called to answer a question about Christianity because two people who I didn’t know from Adam were having a disagreement, and they needed someone to give the definitive answer.

Another time someone called me to ask me to offer some advice and Bible verses for a talk that he was doing the next week.

Then there are the ones that I refer on to the church wardens – “Is my auntie Ethyl buried in your church?”, “Is this brass rubbing that Grandpa Smith made from brass in your church?”

I don’t really think I am very good at these conversations, enjoyable though they are. This was a recent one (changed a few details):

“Yes... hello… My name’s Smythe and I used to be the Archdeacon of St Albans”.

(Oooo… very important person – must be on best behaviour!)

“I wonder, can you tell me, is Brill Church worth visiting?”

“Ummmm…..”

“Let me explain, I take a group of people round ancient churches and then we have a pub lunch”.

“Oh… well the thing is I don’t know much about church buildings”.

“Shame on you.”

“Mmm.. well it is nice, if you are into that sort of thing… I suppose. But I do know about pubs and there is an excellent Pub…..”

“Yes, yes, yes, I already know about the pub, it is the church I was wondering about”.

“Hum… well Wotton is unusual… it has a whole aisle full of dead people…

…errr – they are like dead people, all in their own little drawers…

… important dead people, they are the… err…”

(Yikes, but who are they??? Something to do with Buckingham).

“… the… umm.. Dukes of Buckingham" (trying to sound convincing).

“Ah, yes, that sounds very good. I shall look into that. Thank-you very much indeed.

What do you reckon? I give myself 5 out of 10 for that conversation.

I really enjoyed the rapture

I loved the rapture for several reasons. Mostly because my Twitter friends are so witty with suggestions for #rapture play lists, little videos with rapture advice and the like. I love the way people mock things by taking them deadly seriously.

Some of my favourites on the Rapture Play List were

Chris Rea with "Road to Hell"
Beyonce with "Until the end of time"
Europe with "The Final Countdown"
Ronan Keating with "If tomorrow never comes"

I like the way Christians and Atheists play together when something like this happens.. or doesn't happen in fact.

The other thing that was good about the rapture was that spooky feeling of ooooooo but what if it does happen? (Not that I believe in the Rature.. but it didn't stop the feeling). I thought to myself that if the Rature happened I would definitely be left behind because I seriously don't believe in a god that goes around frying people.

But in a funny way I felt like I wouldn't mind so much if the end of the world was yesterday.... which confused me... why would I say that?

I managed to tease out that the reason is because I feel so at peace. I feel like I've managed to overcome some huge monsters, I feel easy with myself and easy with God, and broadly my relationships with almost everyone are good. Yes there are a couple of people that I struggle with... but even there I find I'm able to shrug and feel I can't please all the people all of the time. It is very releasing and I think this is the first time in my life that I have been in this place.

So that was good to know... plus it was sunny yesterday, and the sky was blue, and the birds were singing. Thinking about the Rapture made me realise how incredibly lucky I am and how good life can be.

Ireland 'subscribes' to the Anglican Covenant

photo © 2010 juergen49 | more info (via: Wylio)


I promised to bring this blog up to date with all the Covenant news that has passed me by recently. I think this is the final post to do that. I'll try to stay on top of it now that I'm feeling a bit better.

So Ireland 'subscribed' to the Covenant - see Thinking Anglicans for the statements and links to some great blog posts. The deal basically is that they are worried about it taking away their autonomy and so they are not comfortable committing fully. More of an agreement to a dinner date rather than marriage.

This No Anglican Covenant page lists all the provinces where it has been discussed or approved so far. It is quite interesting. The thing that strikes me is how begrudging it is. I feel quite strongly that something entitled 'Covenant' should be entered into with joy - like a marriage. The fact that there is so little trust and goodwill suggests to me that now might not be the best time to embark on a Covenant. I can't imagine any document signed up to in this manner will avail unity or trust.

Could we Anglicans write anything that would bring us together? I think we could:
We could commit to meeting together.
We could commit to loving Christ.
We could commit to serving the world.
We could commit to praying for each other.
We could commit to loving one another.

If we joyfully wrote a few short sentences like this I think it would have vastly more benefit that Anglican Covenant. But then that is just my opinion...

From the 'Lesley is a soppy git' range:

The Anglican Covenant saves the World

h/t Madpriest

Parish Profile for Upper Wallop, Lower Wallop & Cod’s Wallop

I’ve been reading ‘parish profiles’ lately (documents churches write when they want a new vicar), some are great and some of them have made me laugh out loud. Here is one I made up that is based on a few profiles:
(translation in red)


Forward for the post of Vicar of the Wallops from the Bishop of Backward Ho!
“This is a wonderful post for anyone. Fantastic committed and involved laity. Gorgeous house. Loving community. Mission orientated.”
(Will I ever get anyone to fill this role?)

Statement from the Area Dean
We are looking for someone who will be active in the deanery.
(No one else is and I’m feeling lonely).

Vision for the Wallops
We want someone who is mission focussed and will help us grow spiritually.

(No idea what this means, but the Bishop was very insistent that we include it.)

We want to continue the worship that has been offered to God in these villages since the the churches were built in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries.
(Don’t even THINK of changing anything – if BCP was good enough for Jesus then its good enough for us.)

Person specification
We want a vicar who will be able to encourage young families into our churches.
(Because we have run out of ideas!)
We want a vicar who has a charismatic personality and winning smile.
(So that people will miraculously come to church - last vicar failed here)
We want a vicar who is pastoral and will visit the church members.
(Because we want to be loved and the last vicar loved us very well and we are still grieving).
We want a vicar who is computer literate
(Unlike the last one who thought that the internet was the work of Satan)

Worship
We have an elaborate rota that we couldn’t fit on this page but trust us, it works.
(You can’t change the rota because it took us three years of horse-trading to work it out when they merged the churches into a single Benefice). 
The congregations are modest in size but dedicated.
(There are five of us at each service, but we always turn up, unless we have family staying – obviously).

The Church Buildings
We have some really really old and beautiful buildings.
(We love our buildings and spend lots of time and money tending to them and they all still desperately need fixing – good luck!)

Schools
The church has a wonderful relationship with the local school.
(The vicar is expected to take 2 assemblies a week and give staff some free periods teach RE on a regular basis.)


Finances
Please find the last seventeen years of church income and expenditure.
(We hope you don't notice that we are living on past endowments that are about to run out.  Please skip this section.)

Vicarage
Here is a lovely picture and the Vicarage is BIG (but not a freezing Victorian pile)!
(Hoping this will encourage you to apply - we recognise that when you check out the 1960s kitchen and bathroom you might be a bit disappointed)

On being a Wounded Healer

photo © 2009 derek visser | more info (via: Wylio)

I like to prepare well for things, and before my first meeting with the Diocesan Director for Ordinands (person who puts you through the selection for ordination process) I had found out that she tends to ask you for your life story as the starter for ten.

The meetings were an hour long, and so I thought I could fit my life story into one meeting. However, she asked a lot of questions and clarified this and that as we went along, and so as the first hour drew to a close I had only got to the age of about fourteen in my description. She looked at me and said:

'Gosh that is a very, very sad story'.

I could see tears in her eyes, and I felt sorry for her so I said 'Oh, don't worry - it gets better after the age of fourteen'.

So when we met again I told her the story from fourteen until thirty-two, which is the age I was when we met (goodness I'm forty now and I've only just finished training!).

I told her about an attempted rape, subsequent mental breakdown and reliance on alcohol for four years, tricky marriage, the abortion and subsequent depression and childlessness. I told her about the joy of having kids but also the onset of Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction and the chronic pain I endured. Plus I mentioned the struggles that I had engaged with to try to come to terms with the difficulties of the first fourteen years.

At the end of the session she looked at me:

'I thought you said it got better after the age of fourteen'.

'Err.. well it did..'

She looked at me.

'Well it did.... a bit'.

She smiled, 'I think you are called to be a "Wounded Healer". Have you read that book?'

'Yes, my Spiritual Director said the same thing. She lent it to me'.

But I wasn't sure I wanted to be a wounded healer.

Nonetheless, what we want doesn't always seem to be the biggest factor in what happens. My brother rather ruefully says that the got older he gets, the more he realises how few choices have actually been available. I can see what he means. As I look back on the landscape of my life, whilst I thought I had massive numbers of decisions to make and that the world was my oyster, the reality was that I had a number of obstacles to overcome and a great deal of growing up to do. And whilst I could change the little things like who I married or what career I did, I couldn't change the big things like how broken I was and therefore the type of marriage that I had or the type of scrapes that my immaturities would lead me through.

And so it turns out that I find myself being a wounded healer by accident. Somehow, many, many people with wounds that are similar to mine have confided in me about their wounds. It is an immense privilege.

I am deeply grateful to the wounded healers who have been alongside me and listened to me for hours. Now I  spend more time listening to others I realise how painful it is to listen. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, like all the goodness and happiness and joy in the world can't compensate for the utter leviathan agony that people suffer and that it is possible to witness. And I become even more grateful to those who have listened to me. I wrote this poem about how one of my Spiritual Directors made me feel. I hope I can make others feel loved and restored like she did:

You look at me with a clear gaze
and the kindness in you eyes
amazes me, humbles me.
After the sighs, the ‘whys’, the struggles
the lies, the shame, the pain,
the fear, the horror of being debased.
Nothing ever alters in you,
your love is the same -
consistent, eternal, caring.
Everything about you says,
"I’m still here and glad to be",
sometimes with a humorous face.

You smile at me with sheer joy,
and I know that you love me,
believe in me, trust me.
You enjoy me, welcome me.
I’ve never seen anyone shine
so brightly and with such glee.
It is like sunshine on my skin,
warm, enriching, healing
infectious, expansive, unrestrained.
The freedom of God’s laugh,
and I am the luckiest person alive
for the recipient is so often me.

And you hold me with such tenderness
and generosity when I am in pain.
You comfort me with your love,
your kindness, stillness, patience
You wait with me, watch with me,
speak softly to me in the safe place.
I can feel the touch of concern
soothing me on the nape of my neck
I feel the countenance of compassion
restoring me, resting on the top of my head.
I feel my heart stilled, the world is safe
in the arms of your healing embrace.

Episcopal Girl

h/t Ann

This made me laugh... so wish we'd done this as a sketch when we were training for ordination. Them were the days. Go girls!

Bishop John is spot on with Schools Policy

I know this is old news, but I have been feeling too unwell to comment on current affairs recently, so have a stock of blog posts I would like to write about church news.

The first post that I want to write is that I was so proud of my bishop in this interview - I agreed with every word he said about church schools. It is worth clicking through to the link and watching the video if you haven't seen it. (Yes I know it was unfortunate that the news broke on Good Friday).

He addresses the fundamental issue of 'what are we, the church, here for?' Are we a club who huddles together and shares the benefits, or are we about serving the world and transforming the world?

I am more and more convinced that we sometimes fall down as a church because we fail to follow through with our vision, we can't quite manage to be the radical institution that we are called to be.... what would it look like if we did these things:

'Do not fear'
'Love your neighbour as yourself'
'Bless those who persecute you'
'Remember the first will be last'

I think Bishop John modeled these things and more in his interview. And he is right - unless we are inclusive in all our policies then our mission is compromised. This is vastly more important than exam results or people coming church to get their kids in a school.  He is clear in his vision - Gospel values first, even if it is sacrificial.... Maybe it isn't such a bad thing that the news broke on Good Friday - Jesus pours himself out for all and this is the challenge to us as a church to do likewise.

Quincy says 'No' to the Anglican Covenant

photo © 2011 afunkydamsel | more info (via: Wylio)

Sorry this is old news - couple of weeks late, but I am trying to get back to recording what is going on now I am feeling a bit better. Quincy covers the area of West Illinois. You may like to read their reasons for declining to adopt the Anglican Covenant

h/t Wounded Bird

The Episcopal Diocese of Quincy
Anglican Covenant Responses

We, the deputies of the Episcopal Diocese of Quincy, each having read the proposed Anglican Communion Covenant thoroughly and prayerfully and various documents in favor and not in favor of adopting the covenant, report our unanimous response (with one lay deputy absent due to serious illness):

1) We have grave reservations about the “instruments of the Communion,” the authority bestowed by the proposed covenant and the hierarchy it creates. The only hierarchy of the Communion has been a spiritual one, bonding all Anglicans to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Lambeth Conference is an important gathering of the Communion’s bishops, each now by invitation of the Archbishop of Canterbury. It may issue recommendations or spiritual advice to the Communion, but has no binding authority.

The Anglican Consultative Council, created by the Lambeth Conference in 1968, is not widely recognized as an authoritative body in the Communion, nor does it appear to be clearly known to the average Anglican.

The Primates’ Meeting seems to have taken on a life of its own and again is not widely understood or seen as a source of authority.

While the present wording of the Covenant does not clearly establish these bodies as an authoritative hierarchy it is a move in that direction.

We only recognize the Archbishop of Canterbury as our spiritual head, and no other earthly international authority. We see no reason to change this.

2) Despite protests to the contrary, it is clear that section 4 is punitive. It is a break with the history of the Communion, which has been a warm fellowship of churches in communion with the Archbishop of Canterbury and who share common sources of worship and tradition.

3) The need or desirability of a Covenant, with or without section 4, seems to us counterproductive, sewing seeds of conflict and endangering the great productivity with which God has blessed our Communion.

4) While manifold blessings are being given us as our global community draws closer together, we must recognize that the world in which we live is still very diverse. The customs, circumstances, growth and spiritual needs of people throughout our world share much in common and yet remain quite divergent as our histories, traditions and social interactions are not always the same. We recognize that the continents and countries of our world each have unusual, sometimes unique, needs to which God, through His Church, will respond in varying ways. We can only respect these needs and differences and recognize God’s grace showered on us all.

5) All of our deputies feels the language of the proposed Covenant is too vague, unclear and not concise. Specifically it was called “gobbledygook.” The average church person probably will have little idea what the covenant really says or means, if she or he can be induced somehow to read it. We doubt few have any real interest in a covenant.

6) We feel rather than binding the Communion together in closer fellowship, the proposed covenant, with or without Section 4, is an invitation to conflict and will lead to further stress and distrust that will endanger our future together.

7) We shall attend General Convention determined to listen carefully and be open to the Spirit. However, with the knowledge and urging of that Holy Spirit we have received up to this point, we shall will vote against adopting the Covenant.

Submitted by:
The lay and clergy deputies to the 2012 General Convention from the Episcopal Diocese of Quincy, 24 April 2011.

An exercise in self justification?

photo © 2010 Jacqui Brown | more info (via: Wylio)

I believe that the spiritual path is one where we come face to face with ourselves.. we unmask. We stop excusing our behaviour, stop justifying our prejudices, stop denying our fears and stop hiding our brokenness.

It is awful painful.

It starts in a moment.. perhaps at the foot of the cross.. which is where it began for me.. and it becomes a lifetime's journey, an epic adventure that keeps moving us on over vastly different terrain. There are tough times and we can be tempted to stop... or even to retreat... to backtrack, maybe without even realising it.

A big part of the job of the church is to provide structure and support for this epic quest, for in unmasking we can see God for the first time and indeed as we become more and more real we encounter God in ever deeper ways.

In a conversation a couple of days ago I found myself running straight into a wall. SLAM. It caused me to reel. I had given a copy of the Winchester Report to the priest who will marry us and before meeting with him I had run through it. It has a series of questions that evaluate whether the couple are good candidates to be married in church. So I assessed myself against each question... fine, fine, fine.. tick, tick, tick, I thought as I read it. According to this I am squeaky clean....

So we got to the pub and the priest looked at me, 'What is this? An exercise in self-justification? We all do that.'

SLAM.

If I carry along that track I will be happily backtracking on all the years of openness and honesty that I have travelled along. Of course I'm not squeaky clean, I may be able to easily answer the questions in the report, but there are always deeper questions and deeper questions beyond those. I've spent many hours unpacking what happened in my marriage and my part in it. I have acknowledged weaknesses that I didn't realise I had, and learned how to accept them and work with them before God. Chief of which was codependency. Of course I'm not squeaky clean.

It made me remember how arduous the selection process for ordination was for me. I was travelling along the road to freedom, but in the face of scrutiny and the feeling of being judged against criteria, the temptation to self-justify was incredible. There was a strong temptation to tick the boxes and to consider myself suitable.

I must say my DDO was completely, amazingly, wonderful. I may have done some self-justification for a while but then I had a total meltdown over whether it was appropriate for someone who had been abused to be a priest... The process had caused me to remember a host of things that I had buried and my life no longer made sense. I said to her that I was a mess, it was as if I was doing a jigsaw and I had pink and blue pieces and I couldn't see any way to piece them together. She replied that in time I would, and that the blue may become sky and the pink would perhaps become a flower.

And she was right.... about sorting it out.. not the sky and flower thing particularly...

I love the church when it encourages us towards openness and healing. I have had so many of these experiences where it does that so well. My DDO being a wonderful example of that, and I have many memories of her encouragement. Sadly, I have also had times when I have been afraid to open my mouth in a Christian group for fear of being shot.

My friend's comments caused me to redouble my efforts to follow the path of not self-justifying, in the words or Frederick Buechner:

"What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are . . . because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing."

Wednesday Web Round-up

Ok this round up is dedicated to Gurdur because he does such excellent round-ups and he has been offline for a week.. which feels a long time. I'll try to do it a bit more in his style.

Church Issues Posts

The nakedpastor illustrates how churches talk-the-talk but then do the opposite in his post 'we welcome short people'.

The Church Mouse talks sense, as usual, in his post 'Church misery guts over royal wedding spoof video'. I recommend that Mouse becomes the chief PR professional in the Church of England and all potentially idiotic decisions about being grumpy with cartwheeling vergers and the like should be given to him for consideration first. This would help with my blood pressure and swearing at the computer screen issues. It is worth consideration....

Benny's Blog highlights how we are a sex mad church. Truly we are - all we want to obsess about is who puts what bit were and whether they are married when they do it. We even have an Anglican Covenant looming to try and sort it out.

A New Name explains what can and can't be said in church... ouch.

Atheist Issues:

Thoughts from Kansas writes an excellent post on atheist tactics entitled '....because we said so'

Ethical Posts:

Bishop Alan writes a truly inspired post entitled 'airbrushing out the women' and then in the comments robustly disallows religion to be an excuse for poor behaviour.

Vic the Vicar writes a very thought provoking post about divorce and made me see things in entirely new ways.

Human Interest Posts:

Lay Angelica has some great advice on what to do and say, reflecting on people's response to her cancer.

Eliza does very little writes a very moving post entitled 'Openness, honesty and T-shirts'. What would your T-shirt be?

Lighter posts:

Apples of Gold has a bit of a wardrobe crisis and reminds me why I'm glad I have sons rather than daughters.

The Screaming Kettle at Home has a very amusing post entitled 'Top Twenty Five Tuesday: Baffling Search Results that Have Led People to My Blog'

Significant Truths made me laugh and looks at the Church and Masons.


Not as good as Gurdur's round-up - but I quite enjoyed writing it this way...

South East Asia 'Accede' the Covenant

photo © 2010 Jesse Baron | more info (via: Wylio)


South East Asia have 'acceded' to the Covenant. If you would like to read an excellent blog post on this subject see the Liturgy Blog.

I was interested in this aspect of their understanding of the Covenant:

(a) that those who accede to the Anglican Communion Covenant will unequivocally abide by Lambeth 1998 Resolution 1.10 in its spirit and intent;

(b) that those Provinces and Dioceses whose actions violate Lambeth Resolution 1.10 as well as subsequent Primates Communiqué statements that have placed a moratorium on the consecration of gay bishops and the authorization and implementation of public rites for the blessing of same sex unions, are expected to rescind their actions, and bring their public doctrine and practice in line with Lambeth 1.10, before acceding to the Anglican Communion Covenant; and

(c) that Churches that accede to the Anglican Communion Covenant should bear authentic witness to the orthodox faith by an unequivocal commitment to the standards of moral and ethical holiness as set by Biblical norms in all aspects of their communal life. (Mt 19:4-6; Rom 1:21-32; 1 Cor 6:9-11; Gal 5:16-26; Eph 5:3-14; Col 3:5-14; 1 Thess 4:3-12; 2 Tim 3:1-5; Heb 13:1-5; 1 Pet 4:1-11; 2 Pet 2:13-22; Jude v18-21; Rev 18:1-8).

(d) that the Primates Meeting, being responsible for Faith and Order, should be the body to oversee the Anglican Communion Covenant in its implementation (Anglican Communion Covenant Section 3.1.4.IV and South-to-South Encounter, Fourth Trumpet, 21).

Interesting that they want the Primates to oversee the Covenant - making it both episcopally lead and governed. I would hope for more lay involvement.

Also, I thought I'd better look the verses up, like the good evangelical I used to be. I have added the texts to the end of this blog post (below the fold).

Having looked at the verses and in the context of (a) and (b) above, which mention Lambeth 1:10, it seems that the South East Asians are under the impression that the Covenant is all to do with sex, homosexual sex. And this is understandable as it came into being as a result of the Windsor Report which dealt with homosexual sex.

The South East Asians have decided that they know the answer to the question of whether practising homosexuality is okay or not. The answer is that if you engage in homosexual sex then the below verses apply. So... by implication... homosexuals are are going against God's will, they are foolish, liars, filled with every kind of wickedness and depravity, deserve death, immoral, will not inherit the Kingdom of God, disobedient, pagan, should be shunned, are divisive and in the end will be overtaken by fire as God judges them.

Terrific.. where do I sign?

Selection for Ordination of Divorced Candidates

In response to my post yesterday on remarriage in the Church of England, a few people emailed me their stories and asked that I should highlight the process for selecting candidates for ordination who are divorced. 

The truth is, although I have known people who have been through this process, it is hard for me to write about it because I haven't experienced it myself. 

I know there is a lot of strong feeling about the process - I regularly see people tweet questions like 'why is it just divorce that gets investigated, what about investigating lustful thoughts and loss of temper?' 

I find the whole thing deeply disturbing, and it strikes me that the church is willing to damage members of the flock in order to avoid potential scandal... "See how they love each other"..?

Perfect love drives out all fear, we read in the Bible.. but the church seems riven with fear of scandal.

In addition, when I became a Christian, I read the Bible for the first time and got excited. Like Jude in the video above, I thought:

Jesus came for the broken,
brother and sister
the ache, the pain
and the blister.
The wrong decision,
the open wound,
the blurred vision
that won’t ever hope again.

I thought the church was the place for sinners, because the well have no need of a physician. But, in selecting the leaders it seems like the criteria is more:

The Church want the well
the swell, the hell I’ve got everything I need,
the nothing’s lacking,
the non-cracking up.
They're interested in courting
the sorted.

If you are divorced and feel called to ordained ministry, a 'bishop's representative' makes inquiries and fills in the following form:

This process is highly intrusive, it is a fault finding exercise with nothing about forgiveness and nothing about compassion. The important thing is to ensure that the church does not become involved in any scandal. Divorce, with the best will in the world, is intensely painful, RevKathy reminded me of some verses from Jeremiah in the comments yesterday: The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. When I read the word 'crushed' I winced even though my divorce was relatively easy and amicable. We endure the pain and then we start to forget as the years go on. I had my interview with the priest who will marry us yesterday, and he remarked that although he had been alongside me during my divorce, he had forgotten the details. The thing is I had forgotten too - it is a natural part of the healing process... Dragging up painful and guilt filled history seems to me to be counterproductive not only for the candidate for ministry, but also their ex, their children and any potential new partner. The process is evidence based. The candidate provides their history and is interviewed closely by a Diocesan advisor who also contacts spouses, former friends and employers seeking information about the failed marriage. The process is a trial and you are guilty by implication, until exonorated by the process. Of course, not all marriages end cleanly and the ex partner can make allegations that might be framed to derail any chance of a candidate being accepted for ministry. 'Revenge is sweet, but better served cold'. I really think this process breaks the second great commandment - love your neighbour as yourself. What do you think?