photo © 2006 D. Sharon Pruitt | more info (via: Wylio)This post follows on from:
Recovering from abuse – remembering and
Recovering from abuse – confessing
I guess my method of healing has been to read a lot of books – seems like I am an academic at heart!
One of the most helpful snippets that I read (which irritatingly I don’t know where it came from now) was this (approximately):
“Most survivors of abuse initially tell me, in glowing terms, what a wonderful and perfect family they came from, and how unselfish their parents were. This claim becomes increasingly incredible as we begin to explore their family background and the survivor relates incidences of obvious and in some cases extreme neglect or abuse without seeming to recognise them as such”.I read the words above and I thought, ‘Oh yes – you may say that and I can see how it would relate to others, but not to me’. However, I then read Allender,
who describes the ways that the future victim’s upbringing may be difficult (p93). To summarise them, they are:
- The child may be only respected as a parentified child – performing duties and having responsibilities that should be taken by the parents, but the parents may either be absent or unable to perform the roles themselves.
- The child may be denied privacy, and the home may be boundary-less in terms of separation of the inner and outer worlds – the child may not be allowed to have private thoughts or dress and undress in privacy.
- The child may be told that their feelings are wrong, crazy or non-existent. When they say they are afraid they are told not to be ridiculous, or when they say they don’t like something they are told that they are wrong. So the child loses trust in their own feelings and judgement.
- The atmosphere in the home is demanding, rule-bound and conservative.
- The highest family value is loyalty.
As I read the bullet points above I was astounded. Not every one was true, but nearly all of them. I felt a bit freaked out – spooked that perhaps Allender had secretly observed me and written the book to deliberately unnerve me.
I put the book down. That was ridiculous. Talk about thinking I was the centre of the universe! But if my ridiculous notion wasn’t true then I had to face the possibility that my family background predisposed me to be abused…. the place where I was meant to be loved and nurtured actually wasn’t very loving or nurturing. Tentatively, I read a bit more:
The scene is set for abuse. The child is empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child.
I think I wept at that point because it exactly described me as a child. Every word was true, I lived and breathed a deep hunger to be loved and accepted and acceptable all the way through childhood.
So I asked my spiritual director to help me and we worked on all the events of my childhood. It was really helpful to get an outside perspective. I guess all of us just think our experiences of childhood are normal.. what else have we to compare them to?
I struggled quite a lot, initially to admit that things had been less than perfect, and then I found myself very angry with my parents. They weren’t abusive, just unable to communicate love effectively, and influenced by their own parenting... I guess I now think that they did the best they could, given their own very difficult childhoods. These cycles of neglect and abuse go on from generation to generation. But I was determined that it would stop with me.
The good news in all this is that most parents worry unnecessarily about their child being abused. Yes we are all crap parents at times - unfair or inattentive or selfish... but the children who get abused almost invariably come from homes where their emotional needs are utterly unmet. They are unsure of themselves, craving love, desperate to please and unthinkingly obedient. I don't think this description fits the children of the parents who fret so much about their kids being abused.
Hope you aren't getting bored with this series - if you are let me know!
1 comments:
“Most survivors of abuse initially tell me, in glowing terms, what a wonderful and perfect family they came from, and how unselfish their parents were. This claim becomes increasingly incredible as we begin to explore their family background and the survivor relates incidences of obvious and in some cases extreme neglect or abuse without seeming to recognise them as such”.
Reading this statement, resonated. It is how I described my childhood. I would say that my parents parted when we were all very small children, and that we spent some time in the Care of a Christian Charity, (more about that later). But in general, I was always been pretty vague about a happy childhood.
Perhaps I was ashamed of my childhood? I certainly know that for the majority of my adult life I either did not speak of it, or in defensive mode, painted a rosier picture of it then it deserved.
Even now, I find it difficult to denigrate my father and mother. My mother probably left due to the overbearing, bullying nature of my father. I know from recently received records that she was certainly depressed and overwhelmed by having three children in five years. Living in a one bedroom in shared, over crowded accommodation, post-WW2.
Our time in care wasn't easy. Not seeing a parent for 3 years is hard. Children in residential care (there were over 250 in this home) don't have the luxury of privacy, care and parental love. In our case (in the 1950's) were were subject a strict, disciplinarian regime (Nuns?) with narrow boundaries, everything shared in common and with nothing of your own to cherish. Corporal punishment was the standard model of punishment. Along with deprivation of food and being isolated, locked alone in rooms for hours I can see now, that such treatment while not cruel in the sense of brutality, was brutal in its own way. Children deprived of any contact with their parents or siblings, were vulnerable enough. Withdrawing them from the society of the other children, made it unbearable. Having seen our care records, we are described variously as troublesome, disobedient, dishonest, lazy etc, etc. This from Nuns and Social Workers responsible for our care! But reflecting on what came after, this was heaven?
We were desperate for love and yearned for a home, which we could barely remember and for parents, who we did not see. Eventually, after five years, our father took us out of care and back to a new home in social housing. It was a much worse environment of fear, bullying and abuse. We were isolated from the wider family, not permitted the least freedom of playing out or meeting friends, or bringing them home. School was our only freedom or outlet. At home, we were made to cook and clean, and wait hand and foot on our father. Our life was dreary, painful, introspective and all about keeping the outside world away from our private world. Social services were rebuffed when they visited and we dared not tell anyone outside, what was going on.
Bullying and physical abuse continued until, when in my teens, I had grown sufficiently large and strong enough to threaten my father that if he hit me again, then I would retaliate. He knew that I meant it. Being the coward (that most bullys and abusers seem to be) he stopped. I finally escaped from this environment first by finding a job on leaving school and at the first opportunity, signed up for the Army. I never returned home. My elder sister escaped to live a life where she was unable to sustain long term relationships, eventually today, living in sheltered accommodation, perhaps at last having some safety and security in her life. My younger sister was able to marry and as described sustain a happy family life.
I’m not sure how sharing this helps others. It is certainly helping me.
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