I’ve been reading ‘parish profiles’ lately (documents churches write when they want a new vicar), some are great and some of them have made me laugh out loud. Here is one I made up that is based on a few profiles:
(translation in red)
Forward for the post of Vicar of the Wallops from the Bishop of Backward Ho!
“This is a wonderful post for anyone. Fantastic committed and involved laity. Gorgeous house. Loving community. Mission orientated.”
(Will I ever get anyone to fill this role?)
Statement from the Area Dean
We are looking for someone who will be active in the deanery.
(No one else is and I’m feeling lonely).
Vision for the Wallops
We want someone who is mission focussed and will help us grow spiritually.
(No idea what this means, but the Bishop was very insistent that we include it.)
We want to continue the worship that has been offered to God in these villages since the the churches were built in the twelfth and thirteenth centuries.(Don’t even THINK of changing anything – if BCP was good enough for Jesus then its good enough for us.)
Person specification
We want a vicar who will be able to encourage young families into our churches.
(Because we have run out of ideas!)
We want a vicar who has a charismatic personality and winning smile.
(So that people will miraculously come to church - last vicar failed here)
We want a vicar who is pastoral and will visit the church members.
(Because we want to be loved and the last vicar loved us very well and we are still grieving).
We want a vicar who is computer literate
(Unlike the last one who thought that the internet was the work of Satan)
Worship
We have an elaborate rota that we couldn’t fit on this page but trust us, it works.
(You can’t change the rota because it took us three years of horse-trading to work it out when they merged the churches into a single Benefice).
The congregations are modest in size but dedicated.
(There are five of us at each service, but we always turn up, unless we have family staying – obviously).
The Church Buildings
We have some really really old and beautiful buildings.
(We love our buildings and spend lots of time and money tending to them and they all still desperately need fixing – good luck!)
Schools
The church has a wonderful relationship with the local school.
(The vicar is expected to take 2 assemblies a week and
Finances
Please find the last seventeen years of church income and expenditure.
(We hope you don't notice that we are living on past endowments that are about to run out. Please skip this section.)
Vicarage
Here is a lovely picture and the Vicarage is BIG (but not a freezing Victorian pile)!
(Hoping this will encourage you to apply - we recognise that when you check out the 1960s kitchen and bathroom you might be a bit disappointed)
9 comments:
Brilliant!
I'm furiously making notes for my PCC.
Love it. One query - can vicars without teaching qualifications go into schools and teach RE? I'm asking not because I think it's a necessarily awful idea, but just wondering if someone could resist the pressure to do so by saying they weren't trained?
Don't forget the ones that say, "We want a vicar to move us into the 21st Century and encourage growth while maintaining all of our past traditions and ways of doing things."
I've pinched your idea and format:
http://pluralistspeaks.blogspot.com/2011/05/spoof-and-yet-serious-parish-profile.html
:) glad you liked it
@Adrian I almost emailed it to you to make it funnier :)
You forgot:
We have a 5-bedroom Rectory which would be perfect for a priest with a large family.
Translation: Gay and lesbian priests need not apply.
We strive to be a welcoming parish and want a priest who will help us extend that welcome to everyone in the village.
Translation: The last vicar alienated everyone in the village and your first job is to try to get them to come back to church.
We would like a vicar who is good at the pastoral offices, especially weddings.
Translation: Our church is ugly and the aisle is shorter than most brides' trains so we want someone to persuade couples to get married here rather than in St. Swithun's Juxta Lane in the next village which is about as picturesque as a church can get.
Do you realise that there is actually a United Benefice of the Wallops?
@Chris - so true!
@Tom - no I had no idea at all - surely not Cod's Wallop though?
Sadly there is no Cod's Wallop, but there are the villages of Over Wallop & Nether Wallop. (Between them is an army air base, called middle wallop, so perhaps that's Cod's Wallop?) They are in Hampshire half way between Salisbury and Andover. Being small and rural the two parishes are a single benefice, and part of a team ministry.
Not that you really needed to know that!
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