Being a parent for me encapsulates some of the greatest joys and the greatest terrors of my life.
Somehow, I have been more neurotic about my kids than the rest of everything in my life put together, easily.
My first child was lucky to survive the pregnancy to term and then even luckier to survive being born. There was a problem with his placenta, and on his birthday it caused massive haemorrhaging for me and a traumatic few moments for both of us. When the midwife came to see us a few days later she burst into tears – obviously not an easy birth for her either!
I guess that is a picture for me of parenting – holding in my arms a little thing that I love beyond any reason, enveloped in surreal joy and bliss, woozy and covered in blood and not minding the sacrifice at all – just willing to do anything for the child, whatever the cost.
The other aspect of parenting, though, is the terror that this little thing depends on me. I was so afraid that my lads might die when they were tiny. If they overslept I would race into their room with my heart in my mouth and strain to see signs of them breathing. Unconvinced, I would give them a prod to make sure they were still with me.. normally stupidly waking them up at a stage when I was sleep deprived and could have done with the peace and quiet.
I look back now on the things that worried me when they were little and feel stupid - 'How could I have worried about that? Oh, I'm so much more wise and mature now'....
NOT.
Now they are getting into their teens there are new issues that terrify me. In the last six months I’ve twice had my heart in my mouth, not knowing what to do. Terrified once again. Today is one of those days.
I guess in ten years time, I’ll think I am being stupid and neurotic today. I hope so!
Say something comforting… please!
16 comments:
Hi .... not sure what comforting word I can say but am thinking that any parent as self-aware as you can't be too bad!!!!
Is the current crisis (at seven o'clock in the morning) a worse than usual one ... ?
Hope it sorts itself out ... thinking of you ... and all parents who are finding the going a bit tough just now.
It seems to me that what you are experiencing is normal for most caring mothers. Perhaps enhanced by the difficulties you had with birthing.
As a father, I had similar scares with both children, my daughter seriously ill at 6 weeks in intensive care. Son with a virus at 3 months, which ended with him in hospital, then with appendicitis at 3, with another hospital stay and operation.
These things are frightening, worrying and scary, I could not show my feelings as my Ex, was in bits and I needed to support her.
Now with a daughter, of 39, in robust health and a son at 35 also in robust health, you never stop thinking and worrying about them. Its natural.
Off course, now with 6 grandchildren, the worries start all over (:
My daughter is 26 and son 20 and I still have heart in the mouth moments! I think it is inevitable. Usually I find I have been worrying about nothing. Don't despair - they are probably a lot more sensible and responsible than you think!
Only comforting thing I can say is that like labour, early health and feeding problems, potty training etc. - this too will pass, whatever the current anxiety. As a mother of 3 adult children, my experience is that you never stop caring about your children (and grandchildren). Worries come and go as the nature of the problems change through teens and adulthood, but I think you can get more relaxed/philosophical about things you've been through before. The teen years can be very scary though!
Thanks kind peeps.
It is just normal teenage stuff. I suppose I would be worried if they didn't start experimenting... I certainly did at their age. I suppose
1) It is a case of trusting them and given that they are so young (and can't even manage to shut cupboard doors or not lose their memory sticks or remember to do homework etc) that is hard.
2) It was only five minutes ago that they were babies - where did the time go?
3) The particular issue is one that pushes my buttons and I am trying to sit on my overreaction.
Thanks for listening!
thank you Lesley - I have two younger boys but today am feeling very overwhelmed by it all. Just reading your comments and especially Rev Elizabeth as brought tears to my eyes and comfort.
Helloooo
I think a Mother who never worrys can't be a very good Mother. I remember my Mum visiting me in the maternity ward when I had my first and saying 'this is when the worrying starts and it never stops, even when the're grown up' the older we all get the more I realise how right she was. Just take it day by day and try to make the best decisions you can at the time, that's as much as any of us can do.
It doesn't get any easier, just different, we now have grandchildren which brings along new concerns.
It's all been said, Lesley. As soon as you love someone you worry and get scared for them. The comfortable alternative is not to love at all, but I don't think you'd choose that.
The thing is, whilst we as their parents get very emmotional and anxious about them, they are their own people. We don't bring them in to the world to cling to them, in fact by the time they get to teens sometimes it would be a joy to push them out the door... ;)
But I think it helps that when they are pushing you to the edge of despair, they are simply finding their boundaries and finding themselves. We worry because we know what some of the experimenting could become, but for the majority, it is just experimenting. they try stuff to see if it fits them, to see whether they can get away with it. They push those boundaries, and our job is to let them go so far but to rein them in when need be. in love. They won't thank us now for it, if ever, but the reality is they will learn what is ok and what isn't. Doesn't make us any less worried but helps to remember it I think. (that and the fact that there are millions of other parents going through the same thing! you are not alone... )
hugs
redxx
Good luck Lesley - from all the other trillions of parents out there! My kids are 29 and 25 and it really never gets easier, I find, the issues just change. I think the good parents probably are the ones who continue to worry and I GET my own mom now! I'm certainly not a child anymore, but I'll always be HER child, so she'll continue to be affected by anything that happens in my life. Don't be too hard on yourself or them, sounds like you're doing a pretty good job.
Wise words from Rev Elizabeth!
I had a friend once who was in his sixties when I met him. He had 2 children in their thirties and two boys in their teens. When he told me what the teenagers got up to I, who had a 2 year old at the time, wondered how he could possibly cope, it sounded so scary!
It is, he said. But every generation sails close to the wind. What that means is different for every generation and every parent worries about risk the children are taking that they, the parents, hadn’t been faced with. But the skill is just the same. And kids are good at sailing close to the wind, whatever their wind may be.
I did admire that!
I’m not a terribly overprotective mother and I have always tried to give the girls as much independence as possible so they learn to be as mature as they can be in each stage of their lives. It has meant a lot of heart stopping moments! I realise that I’m trying to protect them from the mistakes I made. There are some risks I let them take without even thinking about it and others that have me twisted with worry. And I’m learning that it’s really me re-living my life through them and wanting to protect them from what hurt me, what I got wrong. It’s more about myself than it is about them. But I can’t protect them from life and I know that I shouldn’t want to. Cosseted children don’t grow up into mature adults, they grow up into weak people who are incapable of assessing risks properly and who often lack empathy because they’ve not gone through the things other people experience.
I hope their mistakes will all be of the reversible kind, the ones you can lean from and move on without any lasting damage.
In a weird way I see God’s relationship with us as the best example for successful parenting. I’m asked to give as much love as I can but also as much freedom as possible, however hard that may be for me. And keep the brandy at hand!
My oldest is 17 today and I’ve just booked her first driving lesson….. I’ll need that brandy!
It is great when they grow up and move out - and seem to manage just fine-- but then there are grandkids to worry about -- we still go on high alert when a call from them comes through! Who knew that one little act would commit you to a life of worry? Still -- worth it
Yep. The worry doesn't stop - it's just the issues that change. There's a life-long process of letting go, but remember you will never be the perfect parent - good enough is good enough.
Without knowing the exact issues you are facing it is difficult to give any specific advice (and you may not want it anyway). But you said this was an issue that pressed your buttons. You may need to ask yourself why that is and exactly what fears it conjures up for you (families are great places for learning how to push other people's buttons!).
If you feel able, it might help to talk through your reaction with your son(s), but only you will know whether that is a good idea in this particular instance. Don't know if that helps?
Dear All
You are really kind - thanks for all this support and advice - just what I needed.... (although if I can be a bit picky WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE WORRY NEVER STOPS!!!)
Feeling much calmer (honest) - had a very good and sensible conversation yesterday with the oldest two (although one of them wouldn't look me in the eye), and I realised once again I am phenomenally lucky with my lads - kids are the most amazing gift in my life..
Hi Anon who was having a bad day.. I think I was an utter zombie for the first five years when they were small and my sense of self only started properly returning when they were all at school.. so we are all with you sister - keep going, it is the toughest job in the world!
Thanks again kind people. Have a great day
Lesley,
My father used to say "small children small worries, big children big worries".
As long as every human life is a constant up and down, we worry about those nearest and dearest to us.
My own family had a fair bit of worries about me in recent years. Is she really going to divorce and put our grandchildren through that? How unhappy was she without us having realised? Could we have done anything to help? Can we do anything now? She's with a woman, THAT takes some getting used to! How do we respond? Is it our fault? How will it impact on the children? Her daughter is very ill. How will she cope? How will we cope? How will the children cope? Will she be able to survive financially? If not, how will that impact on everyone? Will she crack up and end up depressed, an alcoholic? Will she pull through? We're so helpless, so far away, there's nothing we can actually do, at least when she was smaller there we things we could do!...
No, it never ends.
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