photo © 2008 jim crossley | more info (via: Wylio)
Rightly or wrongly, probably wrongly, I kept an appointment on Monday that meant I was out the house all day. Since then I have been exhausted – sleeping on and off in the day again and very diminished in energy.
Been feeling low as a result, and stupid.
Also, whereas I was pottering around the house feeling like some things were getting done, now nothing is getting done and my little list of possible jobs I might do feels overwhelming.
Weird how it affects everything. My mood has been almost endlessly sunny since being ill, but today everything seems difficult.
- I regret that I can’t see my dad (now bedridden and sleeping all the time – worried he might die before I next see him).
- I feel fed up that I can’t get a wedding dress sorted.
- I feel sorry that I promised my mum she could stay and she is waiting on top line to come over, but I’m too ill.
- I feel guilty that it is so long since we’ve seen Alan’s mum (she has dementia so she doesn’t know, but I worry that deep down she does).
- I feel like my kids are taking the piss about computer games.
- I feel frustrated that I’ve changed a program that I use a lot and now it doesn’t work… grrr…
- Oh and I’ve burnt my finger on the oven, sob… (seriously – it hurts)
Interesting how elderly parents have become a concern in this phase of life. Of course, nothing has really changed. Other days I just accepted that my health was most important right now, and the rest would have to wait.
I’m sure there are lessons I am learning from this about sometimes putting my needs first, about not finding worth in what I do and not worrying about what I can’t change.
I was sent an article about pacing oneself if you have ME or CFS and I found it helpful – common sense stuff really. It struck me that it had a monastic feel to it and that my life has a forced monasticism at the moment – eating the right food, no excesses, sleeping the right amount, getting the basics of life done like washing and cooking, then a small extra thing like sorting a cupboard, on days when I feel well.
The article said that people with ME reported an improvement when they stuck to the regime, and I wondered whether people without ME might also feel the benefit if our lives were more balanced with exercise, rest, work and sleep. Of course we would benefit, we all say, but life isn’t like that… is it? But why isn’t it like that?