Relationships... can they get better?

I wrote a blog post on loneliness a while back, and I found the comments interesting and a bit depressing. The Mad Priest said this:

Competition in the church is not all about climbing the greasy pole. It is more like competition among siblings. You are the baby in the family now. Just wait to you grow up and start trying to get one of the increasingly fewer incumbencies. If, as in Newcastle, your prospective bishop is in on every interview, then pleasing daddy and showing daddy you're so much better behaved than your sister, can have life changing results. And if you remain an assistant priest until you retire, whatever you do, do not preach better sermons than your vicar.

Sadly, I can see exactly what he means, and it increases the sense of isolation and loneliness, I don't know whether it is true in every sphere or just the church. I think it should be different to this. A little while back I recognised that I have contributed to this myself by discouraging others rather than encouraging them (see blog post). I am trying in all my conversations now to both be encouraging of others and call people when they discourage me. Perhaps this will change things. I was also struck by the poem below, (thanks to banksyboy) because I whilst I think encouragement will improve relationships, it requires the death of pride, and if we don't kill pride it can have devastating effects:

So Abram rose, and clave the wood, and went,

And took the fire with him, and a knife.

And as they sojourned both of them together,

Isaac the first-born spake and said, My Father,

Behold the preparations, fire and iron,

But where the lamb, for this burnt-offering?

Then Abram bound the youth with belts and straps,

And builded parapets and trenches there,

And stretched forth the knife to slay his son.

When lo! an Angel called him out of heaven,

Saying, Lay not thy hand upon the lad,

Neither do anything to him, thy son.

Behold! Caught in a thicket by its horns,

A Ram. Offer the Ram of Pride instead.

But the old man would not so, but slew his son,

And half the seed of Europe, one by one. 

The Church gains a hold on people by fear?

One of the best things about blogging has been the comments I have received by email and Facebook, some from old friends, some from new friends and some from complete strangers. This was one of them:

It seems to me (from the viewpoint of a non religious person) that the church seems to gain its hold on people by making them fear what can happen if they don't conform. Some religions more than others.

Of course I would like to reply that St John told us that perfect love drives out all fear (1 John 4:18) or that 'Do not Fear' is the most frequent command in the Bible appearing 366 times, hence fear has no place in Christianity.


But instead I hang my head in shame, for I know that I have conformed and behaved in certain ways because of the fear of condemnation of other Christians. And as I look back through the long history of the church I can see how the church was an instrument of control.


It is the difference between the ideal, where love is the only currency in the church, and current reality where there is a lot of good stuff but a lot of bad stuff too. I enjoyed this blog post by Revd Alan. In it he describes how there is a perfect faith, one that is pure, but it is unachievable, and uses the metaphor of lines approaching a point at infinity (or asymptote in maths-speak)..

He goes on to say that whilst faith is pure but unachievable, we have the church which is achievable but is not pure, it does not demonstrate pure faith. I genuinely hope that we as the church are moving along the direction that makes the church ever more true to the pure faith, and even though we are a long, long way short, I hope that we will love more perfectly and drive out more fear.

Who is the God you don't believe in?

A little while back, I read about a church in Bournemouth, where the vicar was persuaded to open up the building between 11pm and 2am on Friday and Saturday nights in December. The church was located between three nightclubs and those who manned it made the interior appealing with banks of TVs and projectors, and poetry and prayer stations, oh and mince pies. They were inundated with young people who were keen to pray, to hang out and to talk about Jesus and the meaning of life. In the end, the organisers finally locked up each morning at 5am. 

This set me wondering – is the desire to pray and talk about spiritual things limited to 18 year olds in Bournemouth, or do 52 year old men in Salford or indeed 38 year old women in London want this too? Possibly not at 5am.

I heard another interesting little snippet this week, that the only rule of comedy improvisation is you never contradict anybody. This lead me to think about conversations generally, that if we argue about the exact definitions of things or the exact truth, then the conversations become boring and shut down. However, if we add our thoughts and our truths to the mix then conversations become dynamic and expansive and rich.

So I wondered whether we would all value conversations about spiritual things if we could have them without argument and contradiction. A philosopher called Pete Rollins offers this thought – if someone says to you they believe in God, then reply, ‘that is interesting, and who is the God that you believe in’. If they say they do not believe in God, then reply, ‘that is interesting, and who is the God that you do not believe in’. 

I wrote this a little while ago for our village magazine - 'The Bernwode News', what brought it back to mind is that I'm feeling like the God who I don't believe in is the same God that Richard Dawkins doesn't believe in, but it seems he won't give me that option, see the blog post here.

Those who do not learn from history....

....are bound to repeat it.

I wrote a blog post a few days ago about regrets and have been interested in the way that the theme of regret has surfaced over the subsequent days. This post from Ron Edmonson's blog caused me to pause and wonder if there is any wisdom without regret:

Having wisdom doesn’t mean you have made all wise decisions…in fact, it could mean the exact opposite. Wisdom often comes from painful and bad experiences. In fact, some of the greatest wisdom I have gained have come from some very foolish decisions I made in life. Many times you could have easily called me a fool. Hopefully I’ve learned from those times and can share my experiences with others. Certainly I hope my sons are learning from my bad decisions.

And that reminded me of that Einstein quote:

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

But the most challenging comments came from private conversations with Facebook friends, one of whom challenged me to tell him four things that I regret and to try to find what good had come from them. I guess it is a similar process to the blog post quoted above, regrets can turn into wisdom. I was shocked at my reaction, for one thing talking about raw regrets is very intimate, can I do it? Then the second shock was that I think I have tended never to admit regrets and so I was amazed at how many there were, how could I choose just four? The next realisation was that most of the regrets focussed on events that I couldn't do much about given my lack of life experience. Eventually I did write a list and it was interesting to see my patterns of behaviour. Every regret had the same error of thinking in it.

So my challenge to anyone reading this is to answer the question yourself, what are the four things you regret most, and do you see a pattern?

Tiger Woods and Sex Addiction

I normally cringe when a famous person like Tiger Woods comes out as a sex addict, because there is often a huge wave of scepticism, firstly about the star and how, lets face it, many men would like to have had the opportunities to make love to a series of beautiful women as he did, and then there is the scepticism about whether sex can be an addiction and suggestions that it is just a pathetic excuse. However, I feel the press and public this time have been a bit more sympathetic to the idea of sex addiction.

Why do I care? Well alcoholics would tend to find public support and understanding for their condition, and I believe this helps their recovery. However, I believe sex addicts would be more likely to experience scorn, and therefore less likely to seek help, condemning themselves and their relatives to a great deal of misery. I think the coverage of stars like Tiger Woods and the subsequent public response affects this greatly.

So can sex really be an addiction? There are various types of addictions, but certain drugs or activities stimulate the production of dopamine in the brain, these include cocaine, amphetamines, certain foods and sex. Dopamine is central to the reward part of the brain, so if we repeat these activities we feel good. Over time a person can become addicted to the drug and if it is withdrawn then the addict becomes anxious, and then starts to experience the withdrawal symptoms. It doesn't matter whether the high levels of dopamine have been produced by the use of external drugs like cocaine or by activities like excessive compulsive masturbation during the day.

Do I think Tiger Woods is a sex addict? I have no idea, but sex addicts normally have three aspects to the addiction, use of pornography, compulsive masturbation and a fetish or sexual fantasy, the extra marital affairs would fit into the third aspect, but we don't know about the first two aspects. Interestingly, addicts are often enneagram type 7s, who are adventurous, thrill seeking types but if they become stressed can be prone to addictions. Tiger Woods is thought to be a enneagram type 3, a type who are self assured, competitive, image conscious. An unhealthy type 3 would tend towards narcissism, and 'somatic' narcissists tend to have a series of sexual conquests and brag about their prowess.

I personally doubt whether Tiger Woods is a sex addict, but I care about how we speak of sex addiction in our society. I hope that those men and women who need help and feel desperately isolated will find it. There is more information here and here.

Church Culture and Codependency

'The church is notorious for supporting codependency. Refuse to play this game and you’re considered cruel.'

This is a statement from the nakedpastor's blog, and it has fascinated me since I read it. I keep wanting to email him to expand on it a bit more, but in the end decided that was lazy and I will try to do it myself.

First I will try to explain what I think codependency means. It was a term that was coined when successful programmes for alcoholics were created, and it was discovered that the partners or relatives of the alcoholics were sabotaging the sobriety of the alcoholic. The relationship between say an alcoholic husband and a codependent wife was a mutual bind, the alcoholic needed someone to look after him, the wife needed someone to need her, so they were dependent and codependent. If his dependency lessened then their relationship became meaningless and her identity was at stake. Better to sabotage the sobriety.

Codependents don't have to be married to addicts, they can be in any sort of relationship with someone they perceive of as needy, so for example, those with personality disorders, eating disorders or mental disorders, but for ease here I will call all these things addictions. The codependent sublimates all his or her needs to concentrate on the addict. All the problems in the codependent's life are centred on the addict, they take responsibility for them, plead with them to stop drinking, drive them places, lie for them. The codependent gradually loses any sense of self and cannot get away. Previous attempts to leave result in recriminations about how they don't love the addict and threats to commit suicide or the like. The addict continues the addictive behaviour without seeking professional help ad infinitum and the Danse Macabre continues endlessly.

What has this to do with the church? In some churches this relationship is acted out, I've got a feeling it is in more prevalent in Charismatic Evangelical churches where obedience to the scriptures is put above one's own needs and feelings. Hence, no matter how little you feel like rescuing, the scripture tell you to be the Good Samartitan once again. As everyone is practising codependency it is easy to get sucked in. And, let's face it, being a pastor is a great job for a codependent, there are often needy people to look after. The church is seen as a great place if you are an addict or perceive yourself as needy to find someone to be codependent with you. After all there are scriptures in the Bible advocating it:

If someone messes up you life with an addiction, turn the other cheek and let them mess it up some more.

Take up your addict and follow me.

Blessed is the codependent who lays down his/her life for his addict.

Well, something like that. In these churches the pastor is often the grown up, taking all the responsibility and many of the congregation act like children in that context, even though they might be very mature and successful in their careers. They expect the pastor to tell them what to do, to be their parent. In these churches, if the pastor puts in some boundaries they are considered cruel.

So how is it to be avoided? I don't know, but here are some fledgling thoughts on the side of the pastor:

1. Don't tell the congregation what to do, help them come to their own conclusions.

2. Trust people to make their own decisions about their own lives, threat them like adults.

3. Respect people's personal decisions, do not interfere in their personal relationships.

4. Recognise your own need to be needed, be honest about codependent behaviours.

5. Put boundaries in relationships, never get into the situation of 'if only they were ..... it would be ok'.

6. Enforce 'Tough Love', allow people to suffer the consequences of their own behaviour.

7. Be yourself, do not control others by pleasing, being a chameleon or manipulating situations.

8. Be very honest.

Are Men more adulterous?

A few months ago I sat in the dentist's surgery reading a magazine with an article about the websites that are for married people to hook up and have sex. There were various testimonials from men and women about why they chose to use the website and what their experiences were, and in some cases what it had taught them. I can't remember the statistic, but it was something like 3:1, the ratio of men to women who had subscribed. Hence, it doesn't surprise me that the above billboard is trying to recruit women. In addition to this, marriage seems to depress the frequency that people have sex from 127 times a year to 98, see statistics here.

Which leads me to the question about whether men are more adulterous than women. You may say durr yes, men have a higher sex drive than women, so of course the statistic inclined to be with men committing more adultery. I always feel uncomfortable with that presupposition, and protest. Then I get the response that it makes perfect evolutionary sense, women needed to stay at home looking after the children, whilst men needed to go round making as many children as possible. (At this point in a conversation I normally pout because the romantic in me doesn't like this description of sex as mere propagation).

Perhaps this is totally off beam, but recently I have been watching older movies, black and white classics. I am struck buy how, well.. normal the women look. They look a bit like me. I am fascinated by how comparitively fat the women look, how odd their breasts look in comparison with modern movie stars, how their figures are almost always pear-shaped. I catch myself wondering how they got the parts and then being disgusted with myself for having those thoughts. Clearly, my perception of beauty in women has moved from something similar to the people I meet on the street to something only attainable by starvation diets and plastic surgery.

Even heart throbs like Marilyn Monroe seem very ordinary in their looks compared with modern stars like Angelina Jolie:

This must affect the way women perceive themselves in sexualised cultures, and perhaps reduce the amount of sex that happens. I was interested that in this blog post sexualised cultures have reduced the levels of breast feeding. In this article, Japan has the lowest levels of sex going on and it is blamed on the exceptionally high level of internet pr*n*graphy. The USA and the UK also have comparatively low amounts of intercourse. Perhaps if we could change some perceptions then the websites advertising adultery would have a much smaller market?

Christian Bumper Stickers

I found this hilarious at Stuff Christians Like via Christian Intel Daily

Christian Bumper Sticker Scorecard:

1. You have an ichthus fish sticker. = +1 point

2. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it. =+2 points

3. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it, eating a Darwin fish. = +3 points

4. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it, applying a sleeper hold to the Darwin fish or stabbing it with a sharpened prison style toothbrush. = +4 points

5. Your sticker features a bit of wry Christian word play. “Jesus accepts knee-mail.” Or “This car is prayer-conditioned.” = +1 point

6. Your sticker is stolen straight from a popular secular idea. “Subway is HisWay, Adidas is Add Jesus.” = + 2 points

7. You find a way to work topical, relevant issues into the mix. “Jesus Recycles.” = +2 points

8. Your sticker is completely baffling to people who have never read the Bible. “My boss is a Jewish carpenter.” (Does that guy really work for a Jewish carpenter? Should I get a sticker that says, ‘My boss is an Atheist Accountant?’) = +3 points

9. The sticker completely baffles even you. “Try Jesus, if you don’t like him, Satan will take you back.” = +4 points

10. Your sticker makes a random mention of sexuality. “Avowed Celibate. (How’s that for diversity!)” = +10 points

11. The back of your car mentions the devil or hell. “Boycott Hell!” = +3 points

12. The sticker gives your wife a shout out. “I love my wife.” = +1 point

13. The sticker gives your wife a fun shout out. “I love my hott wife.” = + 2 points

14. You give America a bit of a “talking to” with the sticker. “America needs a faith lift!” = +2 points

15. The sticker is oddly competitive and talks trash against other religions. “My God is alive, sorry about yours!” = 0 points

16. Your sticker tries to shame people into God’s open arms. “Real men love Jesus.” = +1 point

17. Your sticker makes a not so subtle threat. “Live it up, sinner.” = – 10 points

18. Your sticker tries to use drug vernacular to reach these crazy gen millennial tweeners. “Another dopeless hope fiend.” “Want to get high? Try God!” “Get stoned like Paul!” = + 3 points

19. Your sticker makes a case about having God in the school system, that may in fact make it kind of seem like you are threatening to murder people. “Bible or murder. Pick one for your school.” = + 2 points

20. Your sticker kind of makes God seem a little like a slot machine. “Get your way, pray.” = – 4 points

21. You find a sneaky way to have a swear on your car. “God’s last name is not dammit.” = + 5 points

22. Your sticker references a movie from the 90s. “The Sin Exterminator, Jesus, Hasta la Vista Satan.” = +2 points

23. Your sticker makes an Alec Baldwin type threat, “I’m moving to Alaska.” = + 2 points

24. Your sticker features Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes fame praying. = + 4 points

How’d you score? If you’re under 20 points, I’m not sure you’re doing very well. If that’s the case and none of the stickers I mentioned appeal to you, perhaps you’d like one of the new ones I am going to create:

1. “Quit judging! I direct deposit my tithe.”

2. “Sorry I cut you off. I’m a Christian, but I drive like an agnostic.”

3. “My other car is a chariot of fire.”

4. “In case of rapture, I’m not sure reading this bumper sticker is a top priority for you.”

5. “Another Sunday Morning Jogger/Saturday Night Church Attendee”

6. “God created it. The Bible said. My wife and I are doing it. SEX.”

7. “A hedge of protection is my car insurance. Seriously, I’m uninsured.”

8. “I’ve got GPS. God Prayer System!”

OK, that last one was a little cheesy, but that’s what happens when you write Christian bumper stickers.

What’s the best one you’ve ever seen?

No regrets?

I think I must have just moved from one life stage to another. I think from Erikson's young adult to adult, these are the stages as described in Wikipedia:

The Erikson life-stage virtues, in the order of the stages in which they may be acquired, are:

1. hope - Basic Trust vs. Mistrust - Infant stage. Does the child believe its caregivers to be reliable?
2. will - Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt - Toddler stage. Child needs to learn to explore the world. Bad if the parent is too smothering or completely neglectful.
3. purpose - Initiative vs. Guilt - Kindergarten - Can the child plan or do things on his own, such as dress him or herself. If "guilty" about making his or her own choices, the child will not function well. Erikson has a positive outlook on this stage, saying that most guilt is quickly compensated by a sense of accomplishment.
4. competence - Industry vs. Inferiority - Around age 6 to puberty. Child comparing self worth to others (such as in a classroom environment). Child can recognize major disparities in personal abilities relative to other children. Erikson places some emphasis on the teacher, who should ensure that children do not feel inferior.
5. fidelity - Identity vs. Role Confusion - Teenager. Questioning of self. Who am I, how do I fit in? Where am I going in life? Erikson believes that if the parents allow the child to explore, they will conclude their own identity. However, if the parents continually push him/her to conform to their views, the teen will face identity confusion.
6. love (in intimate relationships, work and family) - Intimacy vs. Isolation - Young adult. Who do I want to be with or date, what am I going to do with my life? Will I settle down? This stage has begun to last longer as young adults choose to stay in school and not settle.
7. caring - Generativity vs. Stagnation - the Mid-life crisis. Adult. Measure accomplishments/failures. Am I satisfied or not? The need to assist the younger generation. Stagnation is the feeling of not having done anything to help the next generation.
8. wisdom - Ego Integrity vs. Despair - old age. Some handle death well. Some can be bitter, unhappy, and/or dissatisfied with what they have accomplished or failed to accomplish within their life time. They reflect on the past, and either conclude at satisfaction or despair.

It is as if I am standing on the top of a mountain, and I can see for the first time the paths that brought me to this place, the turns I took on the way and the reasons for them. And surprise, surprise, I took a lot of wrong turns and did a lot of things for the wrong reasons. Whilst regret seems futile, I find I have many, many regrets, and the more I understand of life, the more regrets I have. Daft regrets too, along with the important things, odd. I guess this is what they call a mid-life crisis. They say that by the next Erikson life stage, old age, the aim is to have come to terms with the life one has lead, that there was only one life, and that on balance it was good.

Gioia describes this phase of life perfectly for me poem Summer Storm, here is one of the verses:

There are so many might-have-beens,

What-ifs that won’t stay buried,

Other cities, other jobs,

Strangers we might have married.

Jesus is my boyfriend music

ANAHEIM — The latest Vineyard Music worship CD, "Intimacy, vol. 2," has raced to the top of the Christian sales charts, but Wal-Mart is refusing to stock the album without slapping on a parental warning sticker. The ground-breaking — some say risqué — album includes edgy worship songs such as "My Lover, My God," "Touch Me All Over," "Naked Before You," "I'll Do Anything You Want," "Deeper" and "You Make Me Hot with Desire."

"We've had concerns about previous Vineyard CD's, but this time they went overboard in their suggestive imagery depicting the church's love affair with Christ," said a Wal-Mart spokesman. "It would be irresponsible to sell this to 13-year-old kids."

A Vineyard Music Group (VMG) spokesman defended the album.

"We felt this was the next logical step in furthering people's intimacy with the Lord, as the title implies," said Sam Haverley, director of VMG public relations. "People aren't content with yesterday's level of closeness. They want something more. We feel this album gives them that."

Wal-Mart represents a third of all CD sales, which has forced VMG to try to negotiate a deal. VMG proposed adding a heart-shaped warning sticker rather than the black-and-white label more often seen on raunchy rap albums, but Wal-Mart refused. VMG is considering issuing a censored version of the album.

"If Christians want to make R- or X-rated music, that's up to them," said a Wal-Mart spokesman, "but we don't have to carry it."

Yes it is a spoof from 'Lark News' but perhaps further evidence for why men don't come to church.

Silence is Golden

As a twittering, blogging, emailing facebooker known for their chatting and laugh (always told a vicar shouldn't have a laugh like mine), I find the parts of the Rule of Benedict (changes every day) on silence challenging.

Joan Chittister, in her commentary writes:

Silence is a cornerstone of Benedictine life and spiritual development but the goal of monastic silence is not non-talking. The goal of monastic silence, and monastic speech, is respect for others, a sense of place, a spirit of peace.

I do value silence, I like silence in worship, I like silence in prayer, I like the house being silent after the children have left for school. I think the chatter is to reach out and connect. I wonder whether Twitter isn't simulating working in an office with others, I have amongst my friends on Twitter many who are priests and there is that background hubbub of people writing sermons, going to meetings and doing assemblies, as I am. I wrote yesterday about loneliness, especially amongst clergy, and perhaps social networking like Twitter mitigates against that; a problem that isn't encountered in the same way as a monk. Joan goes on to say:

Once upon a time a disciple asked the elder, "How shall I experience my oneness with creation?" 

And the elder answered, "By listening."

The disciple pressed the point: "But how am I to listen?"

And the elder taught, "Become an ear that pays attention to every single thing the universe is saying. The moment you hear something you yourself are saying, stop."

Perhaps, then at this point I should stop.

Granny hits car with handbag

Granny hits car with Handbag

BENGALS FANATIC | MySpace Video

No idea why but I remembered this video today after church and it made me laugh and laugh

The Blame Game

I was deeply challenged by Pray as You Go a few days ago, the mediation was on these words from John 9:

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus

Of course, I thought, the blindness was not caused by sin, that is as ridiculous as the comments about Haiti that Pat Robinson made. But then the meditation went on and asked me who I blame for the situations they find themselves in? The following is advice I should follow:

"I will not judge a man till I have walked a mile in his moccasins"

Seth's Blog makes the point that it takes emotional maturity to stop with the blame and get on with fixing the problem. Giles Fraser points out that throughout history Christians have explained things like earthquakes by blaming the victims, nice! He suggests that we should rid ourselves of any theology that plays the blame game. I agree, wholeheartedly, but I fear it isn't just crap theology, blame is part of the human condition.

Lambs in the midst of wolves

'Go your way, behold, I send you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. Carry no purse, no bag, no sandals' (Lk 10:3-4a).

These words have taken on a new meaning for me recently, they describe the journey that I am trying to follow, a journey of honesty and love that I call undefended, and is described in this excellent book:

The purse, bag and sandals represent for me things I cling onto for security, worn out dogmas, popularity, the desire to control or coerce people, half truths and deceptions. Sadly, I haven't left all these things at home before I set out on  the journey, but I am trying to rid myself of them on the way.

The reason that it is like being a lamb amongst wolves is that the display of honesty can be unsettling. In the comments of a nakedpastor blog post a person called Daniel said:

You can’t lead people in a truth if you don’t know what that truth is. A shepherd leads the sheep to safe places, places that have defined parameters. He can’t lead them to the wolves and safety at the same time.

I can see the difficulty in following a leader who has doubts and blogged about it here. I love the evocative image of being amongst wolves. I think though, the wolves I used to fear were those of taking the wrong steps and falling over an abyss of doubt. Having now fallen over that abyss, I actually think that God is big enough to catch us and journey with us wherever we go, and the wolves are something different, My response to Daniel in defence of the nakedpastor blog was this:

I think there is a clear lead in this blog, it is leading towards genuine truth, towards humility, towards love, towards an ever deeper understanding of theology, towards a dynamic faith. I am completely unconvinced that when Jesus said take up your cross and follow me that he was suggesting that faith was either safe or static. I think the wolves of self doubt, duplicity, fear and deception are always with us and we have to face them and overcome them.

Where are the men?

Tearfund tell us that in the UK churches consist of 65% women and 35% men. Furthermore, the men tend to take a back seat. Worse than that the trend is widening the gap. Not only are the men absent, but they often are not involved in the leadership or running of the church. George Barna puts it like this:

Women are the backbone of Christian congregations. Men are like hood ornaments on cars: nice, but not necessary

I might add that in our Benefice men do much on the PCCs, sometimes take services or preach and are often involved in looking after the church buildings. But the Local Ministry Team (group of lay people who work alongside the clergy) that we have set up is almost entirely comprised of women. In other religions there are more men than women attending and involved in the faith.

My question is 'Why'.. I am concerned about it because I feel that the church is dysfunctional without the gifts, abilities, leadership skills and ideas of the men. I feel we are missing out big time. I also worry because I feel the men are missing out on growing in the faith and missing out on learning from each other and from teaching the rest of us. Any ideas? I am hoping to form a men's group in our church, I hope this will be the beginning of a new trend.

Awareness Test

If you haven't seen this before then it is worth checking out, I failed miserably, thanks to Ian for bringing it to my attention again.

Gospel Personality types

In the Anglican church our readings concentrate on one gospel each year. And to my delight we have just changed from the gospel I dislike the most to the one I like the most, from Matthew to Luke. Joy. A friend pointed out to me that it is obvious why I feel this way - I am an iNtuitive Feeling (NF) type in the Myers Briggs Type personality test (see here if you are not familiar with Myers-Briggs), and Luke's gospel is NF but Matthew's is the opposite type - Sensing and Thinking (ST).

My initial response was that it was a bit convenient that we have the four gospels and we happen to have the four core types represented. But, on reflection, I can see that it seems right, I found the following suggestions here:

Matthew (sensing-judging – SJ) points out how Jesus is the fulfillment of Old Testament prophesies. ESTJ

Mark (sensing-perceiving – SP) is action-oriented. ESFP

Luke (intuitive-feeling – NF) is person-oriented, showing Jesus’ great compassion for sinners, women, and outcasts. INFP

John (intuitive-thinking – NT) emphasizes truth and knowledge and is the most mystical and contemplative of the four. INTJ

Do as I say and not as I do

We are very conscious of religious hypocrisy, and as a society we are very hard on religious leaders who preach one thing and practise another. And rightly so.. says the judgemental part of me. As a leader, a parent or whatever we should lead by example. But then two things shook this judgement. The first was from the Rule of Benedict on the web yesterday (changes every day), which is published in this book:

Benedict says:

Obey the orders of the prioress and abbot unreservedly, even if their own conduct--which God forbid--be at odds with what they say. Remember the teachings of the Holy One: "Do what they say, not what they do (Mt 23:3)."

Surely Jesus doesn't support doing what people say, not what they do? I looked the passage up:

Then said Jesus to the crowds and to his disciples,"The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses' seat; so practice and observe whatever they tell you, but not what they do; for they preach, but do not practice."

The second thing that shook me was this post from a friend's blog:

Why is it I have this ability to think that I can "just fit that one more thing" in? I have a friend who says that if you open a new door then you have to close another - and they are no better at it than I am!

Mmm.. guess who the friend is? Yours truly. I give advice that I don't follow. Furthermore, rather than feeling repent I think it is good advice, and the fact that I don't do it doesn't mean that I don't aspire to doing it. I guess we are all hypocrites in so much as what we aspire to do is short of what we manage. Or perhaps we aren't hypocrites as long as we admit that.

Raising Lazarus

This powerful statue of Lazarus by Epstein is in the chapel at New College, and I regularly saw it as I was a College Lecturer for three years. I didn't like it, the head at an odd angle haunted me. However, it has come to life for me recently, since hearing a sermon by Bishop Alan. He used it as a metaphor for the church, called into life by Jesus, stumbling forwards, half alive, half dead, hampered by grave clothes, moving towards the light.

I find that metaphor coming to life for me in some pastoral situations too. For certain events are like a death that we have to recover from. The loss of a spouse, something of us dies too, or the loss of a child or the loss of childhood when abuse happens. I have the privilege of standing alongside people who have suffered such losses and see them bravely struggling towards the light, and whenever I do this image of Lazarus comes back to me. I wrote a poem about the loss of childhood, which is published in here:

Suffer the little children

She lies in bed,

her eyes clamped shut,

holding her cuddly toy.

Her heart is beating,

pounding,

fearing the squeak of the door.

Tonight it opens.

Numbness overtakes her,

horror feels like a mask.

Her eyes are wet already,

she swallows,

the routine is always the same.

As she endures,

with the hand over her mouth,

she is one with women all over the world.

Although she is only five,

and her family are rich,

and she lives in the West,

She is one

with the poorest

and the marginalised.

She is punished.

For what?

For being female and powerless?

Her oppressor enjoys her fear,

if she opened her eyes,

she would see sadistic pleasure.

Lord, where are you?

Do you see the abuse?

Do you have to look away?

Why then don’t you act?

And yet,

perhaps you do.

Perhaps even in this prayer

for women

across the world.

Perhaps even in my heart

as it pounds,

beats with your righteous anger.

Leadership, Vulnerability and Expectations

Should a leader express vulnerability and doubt? A while back I wrote a post expressing my first impressions of Blogging, suggesting that there are unwritten rules about respecting others and appreciating their vulnerability when commenting on blogs. This morning, having read the naked pastor's blog, I realise that whilst it was my initial experience it was certainly naive.

I can see that in some professions, leaders expressing doubt and uncertainty would be difficult, in the army, perhaps as a lecturer, perhaps as a politician. However, as a Christian leader, I think the journey to be modelled is that of being increasingly human and struggling to follow Christ. I say struggling because if we are asked to take up our cross and follow Christ this cannot be easy or painless. I see Christ wrestling with temptation, doubt and frustration, I want to know my leaders experience with these things too otherwise I am going to believe the journey towards life in all its fullness is for superheroes only and give up.

Often Christian leaders are tempted to be the people that their congregations want them to be. The weight of these expectations are huge and can be overwhelming, but just because this is the expectation it doesn't mean it is right. This morning I read about how the whole of Capernaum conspired to stop Jesus from moving on, but he resisted this, I too am going to try to be true to myself, I love these words from the naked pastor:

One of the most recognized features of the church by those inside but especially those outside is its propensity for hypocrisy and duplicity and its use of power to protect these. I have exercised it and been a victim of it. I challenge it. And one of the best ways to do it is to live in the opposite spirit. That is, with truth, honesty, and humility. I have found that it is very difficult to do so within the church because hypocrisy, duplicity and power are often the gravitational pull of organized religion. I know I am not consistent. I most often fail. But I try because I believe in the church and the communion of saints, in spite of all blemishes. No matter how many times I am asked to reconsider, I intend to press on.

Encouragement - an epiphany in Epiphany

The power of words of encouragement, I think I had either forgotten or never knew how much energy and value affirmation brings. I woke up this morning at 5am because one of my sons woke and saw fit to check the website to see if his school was open. I've been exhausted all week and really needed some sleep, but couldn't drop back off and dragged myself out of bed at 7am, wondering how I was going to manage the day.

Right now I am buzzing with energy and enthusiasm and gratitude for my job and my life, and the only difference between 7am and now is one affirming letter, two affirming emails and four affirming conversations. All of these were unsolicited, they winged their way through my my letterbox, the ether and though smiles.

I can't believe the difference it makes, and I am going to change my ways, I am going to write more letters of encouragement, emails of encouragement, I am going to smile more and criticise less, for we all did that it would be a different world.

Below is a video, it is six minutes long and I have have posted it here because I really think it makes the point, you need to see it to the end, though, if you can spare the six minutes. It speaks volumes to me not only about encouragement but also leadership and I have been challenged.

Communion - it's all about Grace

Communion, for me, is central to my Christian faith. Sometimes I am a bit embarrassed by that, because I can't articulate or explain it, and it feels almost superstitious. A friend sent me this story, of a person who found faith and ministry through the act of receiving the Bread of Life. She writes:

That first communion knocked me upside-down. Faith turned out not to be abstract at all, but material and physical. I’d thought Christianity meant angels and trinities and being good. Instead, I discovered a religion rooted in the most ordinary yet subversive practice: a dinner table where everyone is welcome, where the despised and outcasts are honored.

It reminded me of my story. I went to church a convinced atheist, aged 14, only there to learn about Christianity so I could persuade the boys in my youth group to stop being so daft and stop with the church thing. It also gave me extra opportunities to flirt with them, of course. But every week, when it came to communion, I had a strong urge to receive it, eventually believing that God was calling me to the altar, drawing me. I was confirmed and through that process became a Christian, a flawed, rebellious, reluctant, boy mad, and always up for a drinking session Christian. The only difference was I had accepted God's grace.

I am always delighted when people receive communion, I don't care who they are or what they believe, because to me it is a symbol of God's overwhelming and outpouring grace, and nothing is required from us, other than the holding out of our hands.

PS I know what you are going to say - I haven't changed much in the last 25 years.

Death and Dying

Over the past two weeks I have come into contact with the relatives and friends of three people who have died. It has hit me hard. Now I know you are going to say that I am a priest and this is January, and many older people die in January, what do I expect? But these people were similar in age to me, their lives were snatched, they had children who are not yet adults and parents who have now lost their children. And I have cried, a lot.

However, life continues for the rest of us, whether we feel it ought to or not, and I have been thinking about the service on Sunday. It is all age and I have been wanting for ages to try a Nooma Video at that service. Somehow this week seems the right week and for no apparent reason I have chosen the one above - Tomato.

It is about how we need to die to find life. How there are parts of us that are choking us, like the desire to be well thought of, and when we admit to someone that we don't know, when rather than deceiving, we admit the truth of who we really are and what we are really like, and it is a sort of death. Somehow watching the movie has changed my mood a little, reminded me of the paradoxes of the Christian faith - you have to lose your life to gain it, the death of Jesus bringing life everlasting, blessed are they who mourn for they will be comforted.

I am often asked whether I struggle with my faith, and the answer is unequivocally yes. Faith, is something that can't be held onto any more than life can be, or our loved ones, it is continually dying and being born anew. So in the midst of all the death and dying, actual or metaphorical may I allow myself to die to the ungodly stuff and be born from above.

Divorce, Marriage and the Tax system

Grrrrrr... struggling not to go off on a rant about the way single parents and divorced people are looked down upon as inadequate, selfish and irresponsible. This has been triggered by the debate about marriage and divorce, coming out of David Cameron's desire to have some recognition of marriage in the tax system. I have found the discussions and presuppositions about Marriage and Divorce offensive and predictable. Here is an extract from an article in the Mail that outlines the thoughts behind the policy:

MUCH of our welfare policy is designed to cope with the consequences of family breakdown - to pick up the pieces when families-fall apart. It's not hard to understand why. Family breakdown often means poverty, especially for a single mum. It's right to try to help, by making up for the absence of another breadwinner.

But this well-meaning policy has consequences of its own. And it is time for a different approach - one that helps lone parents, but doesn't keep them trapped in dependency. Once a child is at school, it's right that lone parents go out to work, at least part-time.

And most of all, we need to help couples stay together in the first place. That's why I welcome the recommendation to recognise marriage in the tax system.

I find it staggering that David Cameron thinks that he can keep couples together by a tax break and that this is a universally good thing, what about toxic and violent relationships?

This was compounded for me when I listened to the Jeremy Vine Show today and Anne Atkins was giving her opinion. She was saying that it wasn't the money, but the principle, that the government should encourage people to get married because it is a better environment in which to bring up children. I imagine that the vast majority of parents who are either single or living with someone or married would wholeheartedly agree that what they wanted for their kids was a stable and loving environment and preferably a loving relationship between two adults as part of that. I don't think we need the government to tell us this.

The presuppositions are that couples don't stick together because of feckless whims, Anne Atkins made the point that is invariably made that all marriages have tough times, and hence the suggestion is that if you don't succeed in staying together then it is because you haven't shown enough staying power. Then she brought out the list of awful things that happen to children if their parents are divorced, they suffer in their education, their chance of good relationships, their psychological stability and their life expectancy. Just in case any single parents out there weren't feeling guilty enough.

There is no mention of the shear courage of men and women who leave abusive and violent relationships, no mention of those who realise that substance abuse or drunkenness is affecting their children's well being, no appreciation of the agonies that parents go through in separating. There are enough people trapped in awful situations without the combination of David Cameron and Anne Atkins putting another nail of guilt in the coffin. Is there any chance that Christians can stop bashing divorced people and consider that perhaps in the same situation they would do the same thing?

Blogging - Ten first Impressions

I have been blogging for a month and I want to record how it feels to enter this alien world before I forget my first impressions. I started blogging because in the Benefice we put together a new Website and it was thought that it would get more interest if it had a Blog.

So Lesley’s Blog came into being and I thoroughly enjoyed it. At the next Website planning meeting we decided that we needed a ‘Bernwode Blog’ as my blog will move with me when I move jobs. So now I am doing two blogs, and thoroughly enjoying that too. The Bernwode one tends to be more focussed on the parishes and I guess I try and keep it a bit more relevant to the church work that I do. I have also started Twittering and linked the Blogs in with Facebook – Lesley’s Blog is accessible through Facebook to all my friends and the Bernwode one to those who are fans of Bernwode.

So here goes, in no particular order:

1. It makes you very vulnerable. Some people blog anonymously and others blog a certain area of their life, specifically looking for example at church or youth or a political area. No one blogs the whole of their lives, that would be unhelpful. I think in most cases people are blogging about their passions and hence it is possible to be hurt if those passions are attacked.

2. It is a community. I guess initially I thought I was just throwing thoughts out there, but very soon I find there are fellow bloggers and tweeters commenting on the posts and I am reading and commenting on their blogs too. It becomes an open conversation, and a supportive group.

3. There seems to be unwritten rules. Authenticity seems important – don’t bother Blogging from behind a mask, kindness seems important – disagree by all means, fervently, but respect the other and remember they are vulnerable, reference properly – don’t claim a thought that isn’t your own, and encourage and help the newcomer – there is no room for being competitive.

4. There are lots and lots of Gadgets. And within a day or two I was up to my elbows in HTML code to get swirling, swooping label clouds and ten ways to know who is coming to my Blog (all five of them) and a whole load of other stuff that I have forgotten. This lasted a week and I got bored, but the best gadget is the Blog List – to see what else is going on with my new found friends.

5. It stops me sitting on the fence. I posted a sermon here, which you would think is fine, but now instead of a group of twelve or so people knowing my opinions on homosexuality and inclusivity, anyone can find out. There isn’t any point any more in fudging things so not to upset folks.

6. It is such joy, fantastic to have some thoughts and share them, or a funny story, or a prayer, or a poem. I am a frustrated writer and this medium is ideal for me, I love the pictures, I love taking my camera with me and sharing my life in this way. It is also satisfying to have the things I love recorded for me, like a photo album remembering the highs and lows, remembering the places and the people.

7. It is fun when someone references me because they find something I say either meaningful or funny. It is that connection with other people that I love about my job in general. However, I have been quoted in three places, the distillery church, rectory musings and in the current favourite Twitter quote at the bottom of the RHS column in the General Synod blog, and all three involve a swear word. Mmmmm… what do you make of that? J

8. It has put up mirror to who I am. I navel gaze- I think it is a function of my personality type. And these things are somehow more obvious now I am blogging. I have been contacted by people who are in difficulty and find my struggles helpful, others have suggested that I should get a grip.

9. It is half baked. Most people I follow write in their blog every day. It is therefore a stream of consciousness, a conversation, an exploration. I have to say sorry from time to time, I get things wrong, and weirdly I feel it is better for that, I think because it is easier to engage with something half formed than finished.

10. It is church. I believe there are many who follow blogs who can’t find their ways either in or back in to ‘proper’ church. I find church difficult too sometimes. I have a metaphor that I felt my particular brand of church a few years ago was a house, where I became increasingly suffocated and eventually fell out (or perhaps jumped out) of a second storey window. Since then I have wandered the postmodern streets that are pretty empty and without a map. I feel like I have bumped into more people on these journeys since I have been blogging.

Common Tenure in the Church of England

Bishop Alan kindly answered my question about the new Common Tenure legistation in the Church of England, first posted here

Common Tenure is a tool for relating clergy to their work as office holders. It gives protections, rights and responsiblities:

Protections: apart from qualified CT posts (training, project based, maternity leave cover etc) full timers get a right to remain int heir jobs until 70, in place of the present system of freehold (for about half the clergy) and time-based licences for everyone else. They also get open access to employment tribunals in exactly the same way as employees.

Rights: To be treated at work with the same level of care as a contracted employee. This affects training, occupational health and safety, and a variety of other areas of working life. Although most dioceses have tried to the decent thing, this has not, pre CT, been a right for the office holder. In addition, clergy will get a right to clear job descriptions and other clarifications that may help them know what is expected of them.

Responsibiities: Clergy work becomes subject to concepts of "capability" (not being up to the job) and, potentially redundancy, in the same way as employees. In practice employees find this not to be that terrible a threat most of the time, because terms and conditions of service that define problem areas are probably less abusive than leaving everything up to personal discretion and indiscretion. This doesn't affect Disciplinary matters, which remain subject to the CDM2003, or matters of ritual or doctrine (EJM1963).

There's a website (www.commontenure.org) that explains more. For most clergy they will be more protected in work than they have been, and the whole context of their work will approximate more closely to contracted employment. All clergy from the AB of C outward will be offered it.

Whether this is beneficial is for them to decide! Also, the details of exactly what is meant by "capability" will partly have to be established through tribunals — not a comfortable thought, perhaps, but that's how these things are done. Once established, I believe they will generally vindicate the hard woprking dedication of 99% of clergy, who have nothing to fear, and a fair amount to look forward to if they are treated more fairly by people who are accountable in a new way to them for what they do. That's the intention of the legislation, anyway.

Haiti. Why does bad stuff happen?

I worry about blogging on this question, and particularly in light of this graph on the nakedpastor's blog. In general I feel the question of why bad stuff happens is unanswerable and as soon as anyone does try to answer it then the result is at best laughable and at worst sickening. And yet it is a question on many people's hearts and minds.

I thought Giles Fraser did a good job on Friday's Thought for the Day, with the 'I don't know' but I still believe conclusion. I wrote an essay on the subject of 'Suffering and how there can be a good God' just after the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami, and my conclusion was that Shit Happens, but I still believe. We had quite a debate in the group about whether Shit does just happen or whether there is a greater deliberateness in the world. But I didn't change my mind, and I haven't since.

However, I can see that in terms of human behaviour that God can't stay the hand of a murderer without compromising the free will of the person, and if God did that then we would all be robots without the richness of choice and genuine love that we enjoy. This line of thought of course doesn't work for natural disasters, however I enjoyed reading the ReJesus Blog post almost despite myself, which sees the world as a dynamic place, and earthquakes are part of that, without these chaotic and creative systems we would not have the rich diversity of nature.

I don't really know about this reasoning, all I know is that I was fully aware of suffering before I became aware of God, and so the two have to live alongside each other. I also know that prayer changes me and hopefully I become more compassionate and reach out to help alleviate or perhaps simply weep over some of the shit that happens.

Clergy Terms and Conditions?

All the discussion about bullying has made me wonder about my terms and conditions. I have a few thoughts in the middle of the night..

1. What happens if I become unwell?

2. What happens if I lose my faith?

I suppose the issue of bullying brought this to mind because I feel if there is a straight forward rule that everyone understands then maybe pressure and bullying in cases like the above would not occur. I have had a rifle through my paperwork, found several documents telling me how much fees I charge and that I get none of the money, found nothing on terms and conditions, and decided I need a new filing cabinet. I turned to the internet and found  this table of the difference between common tenure and freehold here:

	Incumbents – freehold	Incumbents on Common Tenure
Parsonage house	Legal title vested in incumbent as corporation sole	Legal title vested in  incumbent as corporation sole
Removal from office	Only following: ·         a breakdown of pastoral relationships; ·         after pastoral reorganisation; ·         ill health; ·         reaching retirement age ·         disciplinary proceedings	Only following: ·         a decision to remove from office under the capability procedure ·         after pastoral reorganisation; ·         reaching retirement age ·         disciplinary proceedings

The problem feels less straightforward than when I was in secular employment. Firstly, because it isn't just my job at stake, it is my home, the children's schooling, my community, my way of life. Secondly, I don't think there are easy answers.. churches may thrive and grow through a pastor's struggle with faith or with unhealth, or they may fall apart, depending I suppose on the pastor and the congregation. I read this in the comments on the nakedpastor site:

I once read about this clergy guy in the UK who stood infront of his church and told them he had lost his faith and because of this would have to step down. They adored the man and decided to ask him to stay and keep leading their church through his doubts and crisis of faith. He was allowed to teach on whatever was on his heart or had been studying, bla bla bla. Apparently after several years his faith was restored and he carried on as their minister and the whole experience was wonderful for everyone.

In Rev'd Alan's Blog he suggests that common tenure will improve the worst but limit the best. Terms and Conditions and procedures perhaps take away some the freedom of the Bishop to act according to how he feels about the particular situation. In some cases that is good, in others bad? In Bishop Alan's Blog he suggests that it may help and that we should all sign up. I am pretty confused, what do others feel about it?